Umm, yes it is debilitating. Your wife is severely restricted from participating in normal everyday activities -- LIKE GOING HOME!
Quote: Make no mistake about it OT, THIS is the major source of my W's problems.
Clearly. But, it is also a major source of YOUR problems (you probably worked nights so much simply to have an excuse to get a much needed break). And an incredibly damaging factor to your R. It isn't just slowing things down, it is causing great harm.
Look. This might help you a bit. Think about your W with some compassion. All that "free" time you think she has is not at all free for her. She is not able to simply go home and relax. While it feels to you like she has oodles of free time, it doesn't FEEL free to her. In order for her to get "down time" at home, you have to be there taking care of things. But this is incredibly nonfunctional and destructive in so many ways. Neither of you has enough down time because she is unable to get any during that 7 hours each day. Then, you turn into a caretaker/martyr at night. Not good.
You are enabling her to continue this lifestyle by making sure to accomodate her craziness. This really needs to stop. She needs to get help. You can't force her to. But, you can insist on a more balanced R in which the household responsibilities are more reasonably shared. And yes, this means she needs to be more since you work full time and she does not.
One idea, and this is not sarcastic... Maybe she could get a part time job to pay for a companion so that she can be at home during the week. (That this is possibly a reasonable interim solution shows that her panic disorder really is debilitating... She cannot function as an independent adult.)
Wow,, OT gives some fabulous advice... I learn so much from reading these threads everyday. GH.. you deserve an award.... my h goes to work and comes home.. I do everything else. It is like Leave it to Beaver in my house,, I like to joke and say,, I am Jenniffer Lopez,and June Cleaver all rolled into one..LMAO and I am a great cook too.. well if I do not flatter myself who else will? LOL
My God if my H came home once and did everything you did I would be IN AWE for WEEKS! The day after we reconciled and I took the kids to swim at my cousins pond,( which in the past when he stayed home he would not like for me to leave him alone) he stayed home and he cleaned the kitchen for me I just about melted....he had me eating out of the palm of his hand.
I hope that in time you and your wife can get thru her insecurities of staying home alone etc.. cause from all I read about you, you are really and truly stepping up to the plate and doing a great job as not only a Husband but a Father as well... feel proud of what you are doing and take it one day at a time...
GH, I always knew you were a great guy but now I think you are amazing! When I was a stay-at-home Mom, which was for the past 9 years, I would feel so guilty if my H did anything around the house. He works 40-60 hours a week, that is enough. Because I am at home, that is my job and I try to take care of everything. Even now that I work 2-3 night a week I try to get as much done during the day as I can so that my H can relax once he gets home.
You and your W are partners and should share the responsibilites equally. Some nights can you just say to her "W, I'm really tired today, can you give the kids a bath?" Maybe by you doing everything, she doesn't feel needed and has lost her self worth....FWIW
Yes, I am a great father and husband as far as "doing things" but I am also emotional and for the last several years, I have been very angry towards my kids especially, and my W. I also allowed my work-life/career TOTALLY overshadow my personal attention to my W. Sure, I did things around the house, but not nearly what I do now and that was when she had two kids at home. I suppose you could say I am trying to make up ground in that dept.
OH, and to interject, yes, OT gives GREAT advice!!!
My W did it all the first 4 years or so with the kids, me being gone at least 14 hours 3 maybe 4 times a week and occupied with other stuff on the weekends.
I guess like so many other people here, I am overcompensating for all my past inadequacies and sometimes, as OT recently pointed out, it's probably not "fair" but you know what, I am ok with that for now. I know things won't be this way forever.
You know, one of the things that comes with doing all this is an almost nauseating optimism. It's what causes a lot of failures around here because we refuse to accept the reality that our marriage are in the crapper.
That said, I am optimistic. I know there could be another bomb drop. She somehow could still be seeing him or just decide that this isn't working but for now, I am doing my part and most of the time, she's doing hers. We are both happier than we have been (with each other anyway) in years and that is a good thing. We just have to get over the other hurdles, the ones that brought us to this place, and then I think we'll be ok.
Again, the REAL work begins now and most of that for me is trying to be a BETTER dad and BETTER husband. It's all I can hope to do...along with take 100% responsibility for my own happiness.
Quote: Maybe by you doing everything, she doesn't feel needed and has lost her self worth....FWIW
First of all, thanks for the nice words. Sometimes I think my character on the internet is a little to good. Not that I am not being honest but there are aspects to me that are not so desirable too...anyway, like I said, thank you.
Now, I need to clarify this "me doing everything" stuff. Here's the breakdown and of course this is not set in stone. MANY times we do the things that usually the other does but here goes...
Me: 1) Get the kids ready for school 2) Go to work 3) Look after the kids in the afternoon/take S6 to practice 4) Clean the kitchen most nights (at least the dinner stuff, she usually CLEANS the kitchen later). 5) Help put the boys to bed. 6) Do my own laundry (she does all the ironing if needed) 7) Occasionally sweep/mop/vacuum or clean a bathroom.
Wife: 1) Takes the kids to school/picks them up. 2) Does most of the cleaning and for her, thats a daily process. She's a clean freak for sure. 3) Does her's and the kid's laundry, which is a TON. I sometimes help sort the kids' or put hers away. 4) She does 99% of the cooking. 5) Makes the boy's lunch/snack boxes. 7) Does their homework with them. 8) Helps put them to bed.
Like I think I said, it's not that she doesn't do anything, it's WHEN she does it that I sometimes take issue with. She waits until night, after the boys are in bed to do 4 hours worth of cleaning. I would either like to help (something she often refuses either because I worked all day or because she wants to do it herself) or have her do it during the day so we have "us" time at least once or twice a week. We do that now, but there is ALWAYS some kind of housework hanging over our head, waiting for the TV show to be over or whatever. Knowing my W, this will never be different. Cleaning is like a compulsion to her and you know what, I've learned to accept that. Hell, as a constant slob (not really but compared to her...) she's even reformed me so that I can't stand to let clutter/cleaning go for very long, lol.
I think the responsibilities are pretty equal, it's just that her choice of when to take care of her part bothers me a bit. I wish she could get some of this stuff done in the daytime. I truly believe there will come a time when she either gets a job and makes that a moot point, or gets help for her anxiety so that she can be home more often in the day.
Hey, I think I forgot to add one VERY important thing that my W said to me on Saturday during our talk.
At one point when we were talking about us and less about the kids she looked at me and said "We have our issues but one thing you don't ever have to worry about again is some other person being involved. I know what I have now. I have seen what the world has to offer. I can see now how good a husband and father you are. Yes, I'll mention his name [om] (she actually used his name for the first time in a LONG time) proved to me how bad things can be and how good things really are for me. I get that."
I responded by thanking her sincerely for saying that. I went on telling her that while I thought it was GREAT that she realizes that things can be good with us, I wanted to make sure she doesn't think it stops there. I want to make things GREAT between us and that means that we never stop talking, growing and learning about each other.
I think for the first time, maybe since all this started, I used the concept of the "old" marriage versus the "new" marriage and how I wanted our new marriage to really and truly be evolved.
She said she wanted that too but there were still her "issues" to deal with but even they were getting better as all this gets sorted out.
Anyway, I thought I would journal that bit of forgotten news. It was a VERY important thing for her to say because she's not really said that before.
You resent the kids because they take up so much of your time and W's time, leaving you very little quality time with W. BUT, the reason this is so is because of how W handles her time, or mishandles it because of her (chosen) handicap. That is A LOT of stuff to be angry/resentful about.
Your W's refusal to get help is toxic to your M, and you are taking your anger and resentment out on your kids. Methinks.
BTW, I truly can't think of anything short of real abuse of some sort that is less attractive than being impatient/angry/raising voiceish with the kids. I'd say time to quit coddling the W and direct some of that anger/resentment towards the true source (her) rather than putting it on the kids.
Now, back to the part time job thing. If she can't go home during the day, she could certainly get a part time job to pay for a maid to do the cleaning that she is incapable of (currently and by choice) carrying out during the day.
Perhaps it could be a shared goal to have evenings free of almost all basic household chores. How can you work together to make this happen? The job/maid solution is a possible part of a solution. Perhaps you could also clean the kitchen well enough after dinner to last until morning.
Anyway, face the facts. I think this is what you really need to repeat to yourself.
1. W is incapacitated and debilitated by her panic disorder. 2. W is choosing to not get treatment for her panic disorder. 3. W's panic disorder significantly undermines our ability to have quality time together. 4. I react to W's panic disorder by living in a way that I resent. 5. I take out this resentment on my children. 6. I can do better with my children. 7. I acknowledge that I very much resent my W for not seeking treatment for her panic disorder. 8. I acknowledge that I am incredibly angry that W allows her panic disorder to severely undermine the possibility for a much better M than we have. 9. I want a better M than we have. 10. I cannot fix W, but I can quit enabling her behavior.
Just an observation, for what it is worth. It seems like anytime anyone suggests to you problems that your W might have, you come back with a post stating that things aren't THAT bad, and she doesn't REALLY have a problem, and that YOU are probably in the wrong for whatever situation you have just posted about.
Perhaps you don't REALLY hold her accountable for HER part in this.
Just an observation from little ole me who follows your sitch.
Not trying to hurt ya, just pointing out to you that I can always guess what your response is gonna be to someone who points out something about your W that may appear less than flattering.
Also, FWIW, I also let my DH do WAAAAAYYYY too much around the house when I was having my anxiety, ocd issues. And guess what, he went with it for a very, very long time. Then he cracked and became a walk-away. Talk about an eye-opener.
CC, you're right and so is OT. I knew someone would say that at some point. Actually OT has said it to me before.
Anyway, I guess I just consider it totally obvious what my W's problems are. I talk about them all the time. I don't think I have to come here and blame her for our problems, nor do I excuse her from them. I just want to set the record straight.
Like I think I have recounted a number of times (or some version of this), my W, after being with me for a few years encouraged me to quit my job. I asked her why. She said it was because I was SO miserable at my job and everyone there was so mean. I was shocked. This was not the truth. Why would she think that!
Well, she would think that because I always told her all the bad stuff and never the vastly overwhelming good stuff. It wasn't even that I was actually miserable in life, or at my job, it was just that the things I told her made it seem that way. I learned right then to try to make sure to communicate the good with the bad and from that point on, she had a much clearer picture of my work expeirence.
That is what I try to do here. I feel like I complain so much about my W that I should make sure to tell the good with the bad but I know how that comes off, and you're right, I do get defensive from time to time.
I DO take all of what is said about her to heart and I DO try to hold her accountable for her part in all this. Like I said, I just think it's obvious that she's to blame for a lot so...
Sorry. I will try to just take things without getting defensive.
and I am a great cook too.. well if I do not flatter myself who else will? LOL 
