When I first came to these boards I was a mess. I did not know how to make it thru the day. I felt as though my world was crumbling, I felt lost , I was scared and did not know how to make it thru the day without crying and feeling sad. I started in Newcomers and moved to seperatecd when I felt as though I was surely headed for a "D". I would look for success stories and pray for a Miracle. I prayed daily for God to restore my H,, not to give him back to me but to make him happy and whole again,, it seemed as though he was gone not just from my love but from himself ,, he was distant even with the children something that broke my heart more than even just being gone from me. I prayed and prayed some more and even when I found out he had " OW" even though I suspected it all along , I told him to go and be happy that I would be fine that I loved him with every part of my being and wanted for him to have a happy life.. It secretly knocked the wind out of me.... I discoverd her name on his chest as a Tattooo ,,, so there was no more lying on his part.
He came home on Fathers day weekend and was still trying to juggle being here and with her on the phone,, he had started a " A " with her in May or maybe even late April shortly before he dropped the Bomb.... she is friends with my SIL and 11 years younger than me,, My H is 8 years younger than me... it hurt like you all know .
...it hurt like he was dying and there was no way for me to stop it. But I had everyone here to support me and to help me to see that I could do it I could survive with or without him. Of course I wanted him with me but the thought seemed hopeless, he would then be so arrogant as to talk to her outside in the driveway knowing full well that I knew he was on the phone with her. Less than 3 weeks after I discovered the Tattooo he broke it off with her,,
while he was still speaking to her, I would tell him you can go be with her be happy... he would answer " I am not happy with her", expecting me to wait.
During those three weeks I felt as though I wanted to pull every last strand of hair out of my head and my hair goes straight down my back. As I type this I am crying... wow this has been a Journey. Dunno ,,,sometimes ,,,looking back How I made it.
And 5 weeks after discovering the " A" he told me he loved me very much and that " I want us to love eacother for a very long time..."
I could not beleive it,,, she continued to call and we still had work to do,,, On Sept. 11, I asked him to remove her #, her last TM and her pic ((((she sent on Aug. 5 and he saved inside his phone))).... it made me feel so ugly that he would keep it, I felt an arrogance on his part for keeping it. Anyway he did it and said ..."done" and smiled at me....
So now almost a month later I feel better in our "R" and I feel happy but the sadness is still there underneath it all, I felt as though the Honey moon of it all would last longer but then the resentment came on strong and I knew I had to fight the demons by myself. I had promised him the day after I discoverd the Tattoo that I would be fine and for him to be happy with her but if he decided to come home I would never bring it up again as long as I lived...... I kept my promise and although into our Reconciliation I did finally put my foot down it was too much for me to bear and on AUG. 11th when I had had enough of her calling even though I knew he did not care about her I said ...."
If you are not trying to Reconcile with me and are not sure ,ILY but I can no longer put up with her being in the background."
.... and all the calling stopped. It was either me or her ( and him feeling sorry for her, he told me this back In July that he felt sorry for her))) basically I had , had enough OF being the Good little wife while she was being scandolous and did not care that he chose to be with his Family again.It is one thing to take a man from his wife and not care and another to continue to try and take a man who has chosen his Family . I could replace him one day even though in my heart I felt he was irreplacable but it is quite another to take away my chidrens " DADDY". That was the last straw,,, you can mess with me I am strong,,, but my kids H*ll no...
So now I feel I have earned the right to post here... I have been to hell and came out the other side,
.... a beautiful WOMAN who knows who she is and what she wants and needs. I am still giving him his space but I have learned to give my absolute best without expecting anything in return and at the same time expect NOTHING but the best...
My one way trip to hell turned into a roundtrip and I am back and never want to visit there again....So I choose everyday to love him and love myself first so that I can be the best me there is. For many years I was invisible and did not make a peep now I am here loud clear and with a serenity that I have been searching for ,for YEARS!
It feels so good to be at home with myself. The pain of what he did is still here just underneath the surface but I will make it thru and not the'OW" nor my husbands occasional outburts will make me lose sight of me or my Happiness..I still stumble but I get up brush my knees off and continue to walk in the light and it feels good. I found myself in this Journey and I will be invisible no more.
I get things now from him that I have always wanted and needed. I am teated like the Queen I should have always been and he gets treated like the KING.... we interact in a way that is soo much better now. And when he was on the phone with my SIL the other day ( he was in the room with me and had his cell on full volume , I could hear evberything) she said xxxxxxx says to say "HI" to you I felt as though I wanted to hurt him and her but I swallowed my pride and remembered all I have been thru and how I have reachd my Goal and let it go. I called my Aunt for assurance that I was doing the right thing in not saying anything and she replied" Yes honey you have come so far do not let their immature behavior affect you.." so I poured myself a drink( I am not a drinker) and I tried my best to stay calm and made it thru. Little things like that are not supposed to hurt after all the immense pain but I felt so disrespected and felt like it took me back to the pain. I just remember I have a place in Heaven and I keep loving him. I want to be the best me and show him that daily.. he obviously saw how beautiful I am or he would not be here so I thank God for helping me thru this. One of my old thread titles was Workings towards a Miracle and I have my Miracle...
SO I intend to treat my "M" as the miracle it always has been. Thank you God for helping me every step of the way and thanks to you all here for helping me when all seemed hopeless. Do not ever give up ....be the best you .... God bless....
I failed to see this before he left, I took so much for granted, I will never take for granted what I have now, and when my H decides to love me again and when he reaches for me it will feel much more sweeter.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
That is really the amazing thing that it does feel so much sweeter even with the underlying pain I still feel. This feels better to me than when we first met,,, it feels real and genuine...it feels as though we are working towards the same thing and he respects me so much more.
When I was first letting go of all my bad behaviors that lead me down cheeseless tunnels it was actaully physically uncomfortable... like when he would go out with the "boys". normally I would get really upset and jealous and when he would leave in the past. ( trust issues , he cheated before)
And during our seperation and for sure reconciliation... I would work thru the feelings and now they are gone. Thank God I used to dread when he would go out cause I would get so panicked... the trust issue.... And when I did not act as before he would return Super Happy , even call me when he was gone!!!! and be so sweet to me... that was my reward and so I knew I was onto something.
It feels like I just got married for real this time . I bought the Book : Lies at the altar. By DR. Robin L. Smith at the beginning of my ordeal and I realized I was living a lie. It made me so sad and I realized I had so much work to do and so did he.How could I have lived for so long like that?
.... and when I sat down to read it AGAIN yesterday,,, cause Hubby stayed out of town,, And I had some free time!!! I realized I am now living in the truth. Fantastic. God bless...
----------------------------------------------------------- "YOUR LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE, TO A LARGE EXTENT ,WHAT YOU MAKE IT ." Your life is yours. You own it, and what you make of it is purely up to you.
Others may support you in your aspirations,but, in the end, it is your creation. You are your one and only boss, and with that awareness comes a special responsibilty. Once you accept this responsibilty and stop waiting around for others to make you happy you will become unstoppable. There will be no denying you. Your life will change, all because of you.
So turn on the green light and go!
----------------------------------------------------------- This was delivered to my Email this morning.... and I thought I would share it. I get daily meditations from www.meditationsforwomen.com. It is very fitting to the Db way of living and thinking and I know I have been guilty of waiting for my H to do all the right things but when I have decide to step up to the plate and just live it has made such a difference in my life. Have a great weekend everyone and May God bless you all...
Thank you soooooo much for that I was feeling down and you made me smile..... I do so appreciate when anyone posts on my thread it makes my day.
Earlier I tried to post before you left that nice message b/c my H blew up at me and made me cry. He has not done that in a loooong time. But then I had to be a MOM so I had to wait until now.. you never know when kind words will make someone smile...
He really hurt my feelings and belittled me.. something he used to do daily. Like I have said before though I know this is more of an Anger Management issue than a Reconciliation Issue. And I have been strong with his more recent outbursts and I have not been crying but today was toooooo much.
He really hurt my feelings and I dunno it will take me days to let this one go( but I wil not let him know he got to me.. his theory is that only when he yells do I understand his point)... I never once lost my cool and let him know he was overreacting.... he is stressed from work and feels like it is ok to take it out on me..... and then insult me.
I will not allow him to take away what I have worked so hard for. I have worked really hard on my self esteem so even though he hurt my feelings he can rant and rave all he wants... because I love him but do not need him to validate me anymore. The old me would have still been crying and upset and felt like sh*t. Not anymore yes I am hurt and yes he was out of line but he will be the one trying to make it up to me for the next few days and I will not say a D*mn thing he will just know that what he did was uncalled for. Just a few days ago he had a similair outburst and I said to him " you can get angry all you want....."
He can blow up like a volcano and even hope I get in on it and BLOW up too. No such luck, I refuse to act like a child and I refuse to give up the peace it took me soooo long to find.
He left after his outburst and has gone " drinking: with friends. ( to punish me ....) the old me would have cried and asked why he had to leave and when are you coming home etc. etc and probably had a Panic attack. For years I used to have those mostly induced by how I let him make me feel. NO such WOMAN resides here anymore.
I CALLED HIM LATER AND HE ANSWERED AND ACTED LIKE HE DID NO WRONG.. HOW SWEET.
I STILL HAVE SOME WORK TO DO TO NOT LET HIM MAKE ME CRY BUT THEN AGAIN I AM ONLY HUMAN BUT HE HAS ALOT OF GROWING (up)TO DO. AND YES DO NOT GET ME WRONG HE IS AMAZING AND HE CAN BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN BUT HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT VERBAL ABUSE IS NOT NEEDED TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS . I DO NOT CARE HOW ANGRY YOU ARE. THERE IS NO PLACE FOR IT IN A GREAT M.
I will mention it tommorrow when he brings it up (that he does not need to get like that that there is no place for that here anymore).. b/c that is his 180 now he apologizes to me when I do not react and he blows UP and I remain serene and do not argue back....
I know I will be ok but earlier I wondered how did I remain so calm when I discovered the Tattoo that he still wears on his chest BTW.... he has promised to cover it soon more than once and I have not reminded him too much maybe just three or more times but then I will mention it again and he says I know honey I will cover it lets not talk @ it.... And then he blows up over something not near , anywhere near as ugly.....
Like I remind myself when I am feeling down @ how he gets sometimes and I doubt what all this hard work has been for at least I have a place in Heaven cause no I am not without sin but I know I have been to h*ll and back and I will go to heaven upon leaving this earth.....
Just last weekend he was being fabulous and even admitted he was jealous that I went out with My Aunt which he "approved" and was upposed to come along but instead chose to not tell his friends who stopped by to hang out that he had plans..
and that ( to admit Jealousy and not just be angry and yell to get his point across) for him is a GGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTT 180.
I was gone @ 4 hours ( stopped home for an hour or more in between )and he called @ 4 times that when was I coming home???????????? He knew My Aunt was coming to our towns Octoberfest festival for over a month and he was so excited to spend it with me,,, when we got married 10 years ago this festival was going on so it has good memories for us. I was taking sooooooooooooooooooo long. ( His exact words abd he was pouting too.... sheesh.) I told him when his friends left I would send a cab for him so he was not drinking and driving and he would say " NO thanks" like he was 4 years old.. Sheesh is he ever spoiled...this coming from a MAN that will go to his friends to " DRINK" for a bit and return 8 hours later. And this was honestly the first time in 8 or more years he allowed me to go out. he also apologized for letting me down and not going with me.... another 180 for him.. he is very proud and stubborn. Plus I had never mentioned I was upset that he did not come.. so when he did sorry and he was Jealous..
I responded with " Honey I did not go to make you jealous you told me to go ahead and I was not about to let her go out alone and YOU know I would have had alot of fun if you had come and Yeah I am sorry you didnt come too. It did kind of hurt my feelings thanks for telling me that."
Sometimes I wonder where I get the energy from... anyway thanks for listening ... God bless....
Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you.
wow I read this in newcomers and I love it just what I needed to read to reaasure myself.. I think I will put it in my signature so I can read it daily... God bless....
It's hard to give advice here, because it seems like you're doing all that you can. I suggest you continue to stay a little mysterious, do GAL stuff, some more 180s...keep him on his toes. Most of all, I think your H really needs to own his part in the relationship problems. It doesn't seem that he has fully done that yet. Maybe MC will help him in that regard. I really think MC would help you both to communicate better.
Everyone says that when you start piecing, that's when the real work begins. It's obviously true! Just remember that patience is needed, as is lots of faith. You can do this, just think positive and don't let him get you down. Show him the amazing person you are and he'll have no choice but shape up.
As for the tattoo issue, I don't think I could cope with that reminder. I think it should be a priority for him to cover that immediately. It's a matter of principle, in my opinion. You have to set some clear goals and boundaries. Have you guys sat down and talked about the goals for your M? Or is he just expecting things to stay as they are? If things don't change between you -- and not just YOU but BOTH OF YOU have to change -- then you're going to be back in this boat in a year or two. I made the mistake of taking my H back 5 years ago and not working on anything with him. I let him just slide back into the old routine and look where it got me! Don't let that happen to you!
As for the tattoo issue, I don't think I could cope with that reminder. I know it feels degrading to see it especially when we are making love or he wants me to snuggle with him.... It feels like she is in bed with me. YUCK.... Yeah sure he has long forgotten it but I have to look at it... EVERYDAY...... I do not enjoy this. I agree that if he does not let this anger stuff go we will be in the same boat in 5 years this is why I am so adimate about him growing.... I do keep him on his toes ( ever so gently cause believe it or not he is so much more fragile than me)in a way I never knew how to before and have gotten him to grow but I wish he would step back and look at how what he does affects others. Well me in particular. WE never had a formal this is what I need and this is what you need type of talk. But we do get into talks about our R weekly and I will admit he has grown some but that is my fear that he will get to be as ugly ( personality wise ) as he used to be and I will go into my cave again. I do not want this to happen and I doubt he does,, he is extremely needy with me and even more so now than in the past...
Why is he so needy with my love without admitting it and yet sometimes so cruel... I will work on this gently in the next few weeks ... ( 9 weeks into reconciliation and I love where we are but I do want to see it grow into something more Beautiful.)
One day I hope to report that he is absolutely there and he gets it that it is not all about "HIM" that It is ok to be at peace and not going at 100 miles per hour everyday, sometimes I see that he can genuinely relax but he brings work home too much and b/c he is SELF EMPLOYED he doesnt seem to get away from it ever. Most of his out bursts are in regards to the job and money and what I forgot to do for him/his business and he takes it personal. Would he talk to a Secretary this way when he was having a bad day I doubt it he is far too ploite with others to ever dream of acting this way with anyone but me. Thanks Lizemba you always make me think and thats is what I love about you... God bless...
Well my H arived last nite and he was trying to smother me with sweetnes of course it helped but I made him apologize for being rude to me yesterday..... 180 for me.. I did it in a silly way and he said to me " Ok I take it back I am sorry I said that to you..." 180 for him too.
This morning again not to beat a dead horse but I made him apologize again (180) , usually I just frogive and forget but as we get more comfortable I would like to enhance our Marriage and make him grow as a person.... No I can not or do not want to control him but I need him to grow with me or we will be back to the bad Marriage we had before.
He respects me so much more now and I need him to keep working on him so we can make our Marriage beautiful.
The thing I enjoy NOW (180) is he accepts his errors and is trying to change so I will keep on my journey and enjoy the blessing God has given to me ....
a Husband who loves me , who is not without sin ,but I firmly believe will make it up to me and a Man who will be by my side as long as I live. I wil keep having faith and love with forgiveness ,,,,he stumbles and he has fallen,,, but he got up and I chose to folow him, because he asked me to. He will continue to try to be the Man he needs to be for himself and I will hold him up when he seems to need to be held.. I will not enable him I will support him on his Journey to grow as a human being. Forgiveness is the best gift I can give him, myself and most of all our children... God bless....
I do not enjoy this.