I have a long story, but a specific question. During a year apart from my W, I developed some friendships with younger girls that work with me. I was on a team with them and we would rarely go out. Now that we are back together she was jealous of them. One of them, while drunk, called and said an inappropriate sexual innuendo which I pretty much blew off, but my W felt it was much more serious than that. I can understand her point and definitely wouldn't like it myself. I should have said something the, but I didn't.
Anyway, while my "wife" (we are divorced) was out of town, I was invited to go out with these girls to a bar. I ended up going out for a couple hours. Nothing happened (nor did I want it to), but I didn't tell my W, lied about it and then angrily defended the lie (this is an understatement...it was pretty bad). Obviously a really stupid thing to do. Now my wife truly feels that I had an affair and that something is even still going on. She looks at my e-mail and my phone, which is fine because I hope to reassure her, but the problem is that it doesn't reassure her. The truth is, I don't have, nor have I ever had, an interest in this girl (or any other of these girls) beyond friendship. And this isn't what you'd call a real serious friendship. I could take it or leave it. We have a short conversation or two a week, I've went to lunch with her once (while still living separately from my W), and have went out to a bar a total of three times in 2 years with her. It's not a big deal. I should also mention that the girl she thinks I'm having an affair with is in a serious relationship and I'm sure she's not interested in me in that way either.
Because of the lie, I feel I deserve her suspicions and accusations, but I'm having a difficult time with it. I'd like some advice on how to restore the damaged trust. I'd also like some thoughts on how I should deal with the accusations. It's hard because there is nothing going on and never has been, but how do I convince her of that when she can easily figure it's another lie.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
There are posters here with a lot more insight in this area, I'm sure, but do you think she'd believe the girl herself? Maybe if this girl called to apologize to your W for her inappropriate comment, it would be appreciated. No need to mention or apologize for going out on her part, I wouldn't think.
Another option: ask your W what would make her feel comfortable again. You guys both dated while S, right? So what would SHE now want YOU to do to show her that you are serious about HER, not anyone you were with then.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Since your friendship with this younger woman is something you can take or leave- why don't you leave it for at least a while. Let the friend know what is going on so she won't feel hurt and maybe tell your W that you've decided to not hang around with her until you W feels better about things. Does your W know that the friend is in a serious R? Tell her everything and tell her the truth and hope that in time she'll trust you again. What are the circumstances of your D? Who left who and why? Is this jealousy related to something from your previous R with your W before the the D? Hope this helps you. Take care.
Quote: but do you think she'd believe the girl herself
No, when confronted with her accusations, I suggested that. I even called to have her talk to her. She just said, "Why would I believe her?"
Quote: So what would SHE now want YOU to do to show her that you are serious about HER, not anyone you were with then.
I've tried that. And I've indicated that I feel like I must be failing in how I'm showing her love if she feels insecure about my feelings for her. I've asked her to give me a roadmap back to trust. Hers is a blanket statement, "be honest with me." But she also seems to want me to admit to something that never happened. Seriously, sometimes it's gotten bad enough that I just want to admit to things I didn't do. I really can't get a feel for how to approach it other than give it time. The problem is that minor things bring it back up and it starts all over with the accusations. Then when I explain some minor thing, it comes across as I'm hiding something. This isn't just about me understanding her feelings. It's more that she's convinced that something went on and she's waiting to find out about it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: This isn't just about me understanding her feelings. It's more that she's convinced that something went on and she's waiting to find out about it.
Actually it is all about understanding her feelings. You have to understand that if she is in fact convinced that you cheated on her then in her sick and twisted mindframe you have. Just validate her statements do not argue and defend yourself. If she says that you cheated on her try saying somthing like I understand why you feel that way. Do not get defensive though because that is when everything gets out of control. Paitience is the key to this it sounds.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Quote: Since your friendship with this younger woman is something you can take or leave- why don't you leave it for at least a while.
I have left it. We still have to speak for work purposes, but I make a point to not even make small talk.
Quote: Let the friend know what is going on so she won't feel hurt and maybe tell your W that you've decided to not hang around with her until you W feels better about things
I did that also. She was initially upset, but after understanding how I had made things worse, she saw my wife's point and was fine with that.
Quote: Does your W know that the friend is in a serious R?
Yes. She doesn't think it can be all that serious if she's doing things like that. And I have told her everything, she just doesn't believe it.
Quote: What are the circumstances of your D? Who left who and why?
We are a blended family and had a lot of problems integrating and with my treatment of her kids. Things were rocky and she met someone else online that gave her what she needed. I worked on my issues, but I find I still need work in those areas. The thing that makes it hard to keep my changes going is when I'm under this pressure from her, I don't actively make as much effort in the areas I worked to correct. I get upset about all these accusations, there are hard feelings, and I'm then more short-tempered with her kids (and my own occasionally as well, but clearly not as much).
Quote: Is this jealousy related to something from your previous R with your W before the the D?
Yes, on many levels. For one, she knows how a person can find themselves in an affair. Secondly, her first husband cheated on her repeatedly and she knows what a guilty person looks like (just like I acted). Third, she has friends that have experienced affairs recently. Fourth, she writes on, and reads this board, so is surrounded with yet more stories of infidelity. I've got the deck stacked against me in convincing her that nothing has ever gone on and never will. I didn't even want a relationship with this girl or the others from work even when I was completely free and single. Why would I now?
Thank you for the advice and support. I know it sounds like I'm, "tried that, didn't work" to the advice, but I'm willing to turn over these rocks again if I thought it would help. I'm just looking for some more rocks also.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I see what you are saying. I have been saying, "I understand how you could feel that way" or "I see how it looks that way", but I haven't accepted and acknowledged that she actually is convinced that I have cheated on her.
I wouldn't say her mindframe is sick and twisted; she actually has a keen mind and is pretty discerning. She is simply following the logical conclusion: Why lie about something so small as just going out for drinks with her (and her friends also)? Why so adamantly lie, including saying, "I'm so sick of your accusation that I want you to move out", if I didn't have something major to hide? It took a lot of lying before I finally told her the whole truth. It started as deceptions (I didn't tell her about the invite or that I went out and then I erased the calls in my sent calls), a lie about why I did that, and then just filled out from there. I gave her small additional truths, half-truths, and flat out lies, in increments to protect my initial deception, which would clearly make her wonder what possessed me to erase the calls. And I made the initial deception because I knew she would be upset if I accepted an invite from her for drinks. I've created a scenario that sounds exactly like a man that is cheating and covering his tracks. Now, she wonders whether I divulged it all or neglected to tell her that this woman also came over to the house, spent part of the night, or that we slept together. Why would she believe it? If I heard that stuff I would believe it too. So, I dug this hole of deceit and lies, convinced her I'm unfaithful, and now what do I do?
By the way, we have explored why I went out when I knew she wouldn't approve. It wasn't some big get-even. I developed these friendships while getting-a-life, knew that nothing inappropriate would happen, and resentful that after doing the solo thing for a year that I found myself suddenly under her thumb. Obviously, that was a very immature way of looking at it. It should have been out of respect for her feelings that I avoided even the appearance of infidelity. I should have waited until she could go as well. Basically, it was a lapse of good judgement and very selfish, but I can't take that back now. What's done is done. I just have to learn from it. I just really would like not having good days ruined by these accusations; it sets the relationship back, and it's hard enough without that.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I was not trying to disrespect you W twith my Sick and Twisted comment. It was more just saying that eventhough you have fessed up to everything and told the truth, her mind is not ready to accept it yet. That is what I meant by sick and twisted. Guess it was bad phrase to use. However, All you can do now is continue to be completely honest and deal with the repercussions of your deciet. Eventually the trust will come back if you keep proving that you are honest. I would not try to justify anything to her nor defend yourself just be there to listen to her. I am sure in one way or another she is trying to tell you what to do you just have to be the listener and figure that one out. But I am not in your shoes so I do not know how bad it really is.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
No problem. I just wanted to clarify that my actions definitely put the impression in her mind.
The not defend yourself part is hard. How do you not defend when she says, "I don't believe you. I think more went on than you are telling me", or makes comments about the sex I had with this girl or "she probably stayed part of the night". It's hard not to say, "no, I told you everything. There is nothing going on with this girl. She didn't stay over. Why would I choose now to have an affair with her when I could have done all that when I was single?" There just isn't that great of a response.
But, I appreciate your comments and suggestions. I'll try my hardest to be patient. I have to atone for this and make it right. It's just hard. I think about months of this going on and I worry about what it will do to our relationship.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Just remember trust is something that can always be rebuilt it just takes a lot longer than a lot of other things. Keep you chin up brother and remember to vent here and someone will be listening (or reading).
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
