LDW just can't get it together

[RJ]

I have been with my husband for almost 15 years (we are both 34), we have 2 kids, the youngest is 3 yo.

My libido has been pretty much non-existent for the past 5 years. I have tried herbal remedies, seeing doctors and counsellors to no avail. I am not on any birth control or other medications either.The desire to ML is just not there and if we ever do have sex I find that I would rather be doing something else, like the laundry. It's probably 3 months or more since we last had sex and my H is going crazy. I am going crazy because he is going crazy!

He tried to initiate this morning, at 5am, after I'd been up since 2am unable to sleep. I was tired and not in the mood but he pulled me over to his side of the bed and started touching me and kissing me. I made it obvious that I wasn't interested (eg. moving my head away when he tried to kiss me), but he kept at it until I eventually turned away. He got up, banged and crashed around with the shits while getting ready for work, then came in and forcibly rolled me over and kissed me 'goodbye'. Now I want sex even less. When I got up I noticed on my 'Things to do list' he has added 'have sex with my husband'.

This is a typical situation that goes on in our marriage, and I'm sick to death of it. I have read Michele's SSM & Schnarch's Passionate Marriage books (he hasn't - finds other things to do), but they haven't helped much.

I know he shouldn't be denied sex so I'm at the stage where I am going to tell him to find someone else to have sex with. I know that will have the risk of an EA, but at the moment I really don't care. At least he would be leaving me alone.

I am dreading his return from work in a few hours.

Your opinions would be appreciated.

[Greeneyedlass]

RJ,

Why do YOU think your libido has waned? You said there are times you'd rather be doing laundry....are there other things running through your mind constantly, like lists of things you feel you need to get done? Has his behavior towards you changed in the last 5 years? More grabby? Attitude? Anything really.

I want to impress upon you that your rejection of your H is making him feel very unloved by you most likely. Sex isn't always just about sex and physical release, for both men and women it's about much more emotionally....it's about how our spouses perceive us, how they react to us and only us....and something we share as a committed couple.

Are you aware of the emotional impact you are having on him? You state that at this point you wouldn't care if he was having an EA (do you really mean an emotional affair or PA (physical affair)? Either is truly devastating to a marriage...and I don't think you truly realize the impact it would have on your if that happened. It's easy to think "well at least he'd be leaving me alone.", it's a completely different issue to live with infidelity.

Telling your H to go find someone else to have sex with is such a rejection of him...in so many ways. Would you consider counseling? I have a sneaky suspicion that there are underlying issues (that perhaps you aren't even aware of at this point) that could be affecting your interaction with your H...since you seem to be physically healthy otherwise :-)

Something I want you to remember, if you don't take anything else away from this RJ is this....it's not that your H just wants "sex", he wants sex with YOU, his wife...the woman he committed to....not with someone else.

Oh BTW...welcome to the BB You will receive great input from other really supportive people on here....this is a great community!

GEL

[chromosphere]

RJ

Don't mean to be harsh, but I can pretty much guarantee you based on the interactions you have described that if you tell him "go have sex with someone else" and he does, he is going to have a full-blown EA/PA and will start "checking out" of your marriage. If he is of the sort that will not seek sex outside of marriage no matter what (even with the "blessing" of his W), then your comment is going to create an enormous gulf between you and him.

Again, I hope you don't think me harsh by saying this. But can you see how telling him to go have sex outside the marriage is breaking your marital vows as surely as if he had gone ahead and had an affair without your knowledge? I'm not saying you MUST have sex with your H right away, obviously you two have issues you need to deal with first. But I really hope you see that telling him to get his needs met outside the M is the last thing you want to do if you want your M to be healthy.

Best wishes
Chrome

[Cobra]

RJ,

I say pick up a copy of Dr. Laura’s “The Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Have sex with your H and cool down that problem or there will be an explosion that may be irreparable. Assuming you have seen qualified doctors who have correctly diagnose that there is no biological problem, then maybe there are psychological issues. Get into counseling.

Also, if you’ve read Schnarch, recall the example of that one angry woman who was upset with her H for always pressing for sex? She made it out to be a problem with him, always bothering her, keeping the spotlight on her, and the cure to their marriage problems was for him to back off. Schnarch made it clear that her avoidance of the issue was what kept him putting the focus on her. She would not move forward so he was stuck. A husband’s need for sex is not unreasonable. Withholding is unreasonable. My W did the same to me last year. It was not a good scene.

What could be going on within you that turns you off to sex?

[MrsNOP]

This is a typical situation that goes on in our marriage, and I'm sick to death of it. I have read Michele's SSM & Schnarch's Passionate Marriage books (he hasn't - finds other things to do), but they haven't helped much.

RJ, why do you think they haven't helped? I'm curious. I read SSM somewhat grudgingly and it at least started the mental journey for me and I came away with a greater understanding of what my HD husband was feeling.

I know he shouldn't be denied sex so I'm at the stage where I am going to tell him to find someone else to have sex with. I know that will have the risk of an EA, but at the moment I really don't care. At least he would be leaving me alone.

Yeah, been there, done that.

"Why don't you just go get you a f*ckbuddy?"

Luckily enough, during this spat my husband's maturity exceeded mine and rather than get huffy and respond in kind, he calmly replied, "I don't think you really mean that."

Until you get past the mind set that your husband has to jump through several hoops *before* you start addressing the sexual issues, you are going to continue to spin your wheels.

It is best addressed by *both* and at the same time.

MrsNOP -

[cinemanymph]

RJ,

He tried to initiate this morning, at 5am, after I'd been up since 2am unable to sleep. I was tired and not in the mood but he pulled me over to his side of the bed and started touching me and kissing me. I made it obvious that I wasn't interested (eg. moving my head away when he tried to kiss me), but he kept at it until I eventually turned away. He got up, banged and crashed around with the shits while getting ready for work, then came in and forcibly rolled me over and kissed me 'goodbye'. Now I want sex even less. When I got up I noticed on my 'Things to do list' he has added 'have sex with my husband'.

My H has displayed identical behavior. I can understand the frustration, but it certainly doesn't make him very attractive. I'd like to be inflamed by the mere thought of him. That doesn't happen and never has, but I'm working on it.

I can appreciate you wanting him to find sexual release elsewhere, (I've felt the same way) but that is supremely destructive. I urge you to rethink that.


Has your libido been on an even keel for most of your marriage?

[cac4]

"Why don't you just go get you a f*ckbuddy?"

"as if" it were that easy...
(actually...I know some people for whom that wouldn't be difficult...but I think they're the exception that proves the rule).

heck, my W won't even have sex with me; what makes you think anyone ELSE would??!?!?

[virginwife]

Wow! I'm your opposite. You and my H would get along just great!

Curiosity killed the cat and here comes kitty! Have you always been LD? If not, what changed? Would you feel better if you took control of the situation and seduced him? What could he do to make you more receptive to his advances? What is your idea of a good sex life?

Sorry for all the questions but I can't help it!

The answers are all there, you just have to find them. Good luck!

[RJ]

Thanks for taking the time to reply guys.

A strange thing happened the other day when H got home from work. He was acting fine. I didn't believe it as he would usually come home in a foul mood, so I pressed him about what happened that morning. He said, 'don't tell me you've been thinking about that all day! You work yourself up over nothing!'. Well that's all good, but I was very surprised as every other time something like this happens he will be mad at me for days if not weeks. It would make a huge difference to our relationship if he has changed the way he deals with rejection. It may possibly lead to him being rejected less. Stewing about my lack of desire only makes it worse.

Sex in the beginning used to be great. I remember not being able to get enough of it! These days I just don't see what all the fuss is about. Having kids really messed up my hormones and today they are still not right. The only thing the doctor's have recommended is going back on the pill to regulate me. I was on the pills for years before and for a short time after we had the kids and it definitely doesn't help in the libido department.

So, part of the problem is physiological but a lot of it is mental.

H has always been pretty grabby and it REALLY started getting to me when I was breastfeeding. I just wanted to knock his block off when he touched me. I still really don't like him touching my breasts.

Often he will lose his temper because he is so frustrated and we have horrible arguments where he will say the most awful things to me (many times in front of the kids which disgusts me). I'm sure our whole neighbourhood knows about our sex life or lack of. Why would I want to have sex with someone who does this?

I have bought toys, looked at soft porn and read 'steamy' books. There is sometimes a 'flicker' but the 'fire' never really gets going.

I am absolutely aware of the impact this is having on him. But I am conflicted with my own emotions. This is where I find it hard to come at Michele's 'just do it' philosophy. I don't want to do this to him, but I don't want to have sex just for the sake of keeping him happy while making myself miserable. Plus, he doesn't want me to do that either.

When I read virginwife's question about 'what is your idea of a good sex life?' the first thing that popped into my head was 'none!'. That's so terrible. How the hell did it get this way?

[25yearsmlc]

RJ,

my libido dropped after the 2nd child, but I still wanted to feel close to H, and so, I don't get how you can just continue to deny him. I really feel it's wrong of you.

Women want to feel close before they can ML. Men want to ML in order to feel close....My brother had this problem with his Now ex-wife , and they had a Mexican stand off. When my brother tried to romance her, she said she felt manipulated. He couldn't win.

I think it's easier for us, as women, to make the move rather than assuming your H should. At least give your H some route or way he can reach you. And don't look at ml as just having one goal; 'cuz it is NOT alll about an orgasm, it's intimacy....that's why they call it Making Love, not making sex.

You are playing with fire by telling him to look elsewhere. And if he leaves you, who will you see as the victim? You are leaving him, by saying no all the time.

Last, my libido came back and is quite fine now thank you. Yeah it took a couple years, but I suspected It was hormonal. I think it is for you in all likelihood, and you should get yourself checked out.....and after ML I have NEVER wished I'd done laundry instead. Is your H good to you in bed?
If so, please listen to what we are all saying. I feel like I'm hearing alarm bells going off all over the place... Good luck.

j-