I just read through your old posts and according to my calculation she hasn't slept with you THREE YEARS. WAKE UP!! Cooking for her ,cleaning , planting flowers ??? How is this going to make her desire you. Take your flowered apron off and be a man. By your own words she has been telling you this and you continue to cower around her and think that these little "sweet" jestures are going to mean anything to her. Quit being a little wifey.
Its been 6 months since you found out she is sleeping with another man, yes your wife is having sex with another man. While he is banging away you are baking bundt cakes and cleaning up after her. This makes you nothing more than the maid. Confront her already! Any fool knows that she has probably been having one affair or another for probably the whole 3 years.
She also knows that you know about it and has lost even more respect for you because you again display the total lack of being the man she wants by simply cowering and cleaning up after her.
I think whatever you do now will be too little too late but at least gain a little self respect and stand up for yourself and quit being her damn cuckold.
Sorry if this is harsh but your problem is so obvious and she needs and wants a real man not the weak, cowering, afraid of confrontation maid that you have become to her.
LL has certainly made mistakes in allowing a lack of intimacy to pass as OK for three years BUT part of DBing is looking at what was missing in the R. If paying attention to her and trying to add a little romance was missing then why not try that kind of 180! What's the big rush to make LL a "man". Confronting her is certainly an option but what is the liklihood that she will fall to her knees and beg him to forgive her? I'm guessing about NIL. So, if ending the M is what LL is shooting for then, by all means, be a "man" and confront her. Also, if this DB strategy does not work then LL has the option of confrontation, but what's the rush, I mean it's been three years already. In my mind, being a man means doing whatever it takes to save the R, if that means confrontation and ultimatums, well so be it BUT only after every other avenue is tried. I think LL owes it to himself, his M and his family to try to heal the things he sees as missing from the M first. If that does not work then standing up and "being a man" is the next option. That's my 2 cents anyway.
First of all...how dare you come aboard and post such an insensitive, judgemental, piece of garbage, I have ever seen.
LL is probably the most intelligent, sensitive man on these BB's, I've seen in a long time.
For your information, his wife has been turning around, slowly, but she has. Whatever works for him, works and that is the point of DBing. Every sitch is quite different b/c the common area involves people - no two people are exactly alike.
If you had some education - which your comments clearly show you don't - you'd realize that sex is the last thing that comes into play in solidifying the M. There is a lot of feeling between LL and his W, but the feelings are there.
If you actually read his posts, you'd also know that his W's OM lives in another "country". So your crude, rather sleazy descriptiopn of what "you" think she's doing is actually so far off base, it's rather humorous.
Your description of what a "man" should be, is just that - your idea - so next time, keep it to yourself, your truck- drivers, barflys, whomever you associate with and leave someone like LL alone - he doesn't need "your help" at all.
I'm still fuming over the post by ignorant tmite...so I'm going to apologize to you for his stupidity. I just hope that you don't even respond to his post...he's not worth it.
Luke, if more "MEN" were like you, they wouldn't even be here posting...you are adept to your W's needs and wants. You are in a marriage where your W wants to be...it clearly shows that on her behalf.
Just don't let some negative people tell you how to act towards your wife...there are alot of people here, who haven't been sleeping with their S's...it takes time.
Ignore the "Neanderthal's", especially ones that cannot do anything more than think sex is the only issue in a M.
You are by far, more of a "MAN", than that idiot could ever hope to be...
1210, You said:"You are by far, more of a "MAN", than that idiot could ever hope to be...". I don't want to take the wind out of your sails but that "idiot" signed the post as "Jane" Hey, maybe that's his last name But, in all seriousness, I've heard that one too. Somehow it's expected that men just stand up and call the W out for a showdown in the old OK corral! If you don't then your not a man. What I've seen on this BB is that guys who do that end up alone! Pretty simple to deduce what is the better strategy here. It should also be noted that if someone has been less than assertive in the past then a 180 could indeed be acting in a more assertive way BUT that sure is different than "being a man" for the sake of "being a man"!
He is a guy...I read his only other post about getting a handjob from his wife, back in august...I do my research before I post...he thought he was being funny, by signing his post Jane. I guess that's his idea of sex...he probably did it to himself...what a fool.
Wow, I didn't think that this would stir things up so much, but thanks for your thoughts. I did in fact consider "take her for a roll in the hay" as a possible strategy (seems to me that there are at least four - the manly roll in the hay, the confrontation, the be a better me and the do nothing options).
The roll in the hay had a bunch of downsides - high risk (she is avoiding me, after all), possible rape charges (happened to a guy in our town here), etc. Sure, I think it might help - folks are more relaxed after - but it doesn't address the main problem, see more below.
The confrontation also carries a high risk - it might spiral out of control, but maybe also an upside, in that she says we never fight and it would be one. I am keeping it for the last resort. Fighting about other things might be smarter though.
The do nothing goes nowhere - so doesn't fix anything - so forget that.
The be a better me path tries to DB - I just got back from weightlifting (working the (physical at least) strength angle), and now think that aiming to run a marathon might be a good birthday gift to myself, a slap in the face of age (I am turning 49 next Monday). I think that assertiveness training - improved spiritual strength - would be good also, but that is hard to find, and anyway, I had training in it a long time ago.
She told me what she wants a year or two ago - more fighting (code I think for more assertion on my part), more strength, and not to feel trapped in marriage. These are all things I can work on. Surprise and newness are good also - again things I can work on - and with no downsides I can see. I don't wear an apron - .
That said, it is funny coming home, having been gone nearly two weeks. It hurts more to be separated when you are close, to have her say good night to me after half an hour of talking in the evening, to not have any physical contact when she picks me up at the airport, to have her criticize me for having bought too many groceries. A roll in the hay might well take away some of her edginess, but to me, sex comes after affection, after zuneigung (a great German word meaning something like leaning toward, caring about, attraction to) and after better communication and more assertion.
We spent quite a while talking (about Thanksgiving, which I spent at her mom's, about people's Christmas gifts, about the OJ Simpson affair, etc.) yesterday, and I think both enjoyed it. I initiated a lot of this, but she wasn't bugged by it, and on the contrary, hopefully misses friendly gab when I am not there (she still does get phone calls and SMS that she has to do privately, irritating and worrying, but what the hell, I am tougher than that, and she is spending her time with me; remember the other guy lives a whole day's travel away).
Maybe a good way to gauge how things are is does she actively want to spend time with me? Does she initiate conversations beyond merely transactional ones? Also, how will her response be a hopefully possible date on Friday night? Our big party (50-60 people!) is on Sunday evening, so I trust she will have a bit of time for us (I hope so, I likely have to go back to the States next week).
Thanks again for all your thoughts - Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Oh - I forgot to mention this - she was digging in the garden today, maybe a sign of there being a next year (I'm not an expert on horticulture) or maybe it was to make things look better for the party, though with this at 6pm Sunday, you won't see much here in Sweden (dark at 3.30 nowadays...).
Funny how you look for signs when in these situations -
Luke
In the 40s, weirdly, a heatless golden light on the opposite lakeshore, an echo of summer, months ago, the garden still green.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
