What is this thing with their selective memory? My H told me too, that the whole marriage has been awful. But so many times the past few weeks, I have talked about something fun we all did together, and he will laugh and say it was fun, or we will laugh about things that have happend in the past. So, where do they get off saying a WHOLE M was bad? I guess that is the whole weird fog thing. I agree with you F4mM, we should not blame ourselves for everything that has gone wrong, like I did when I first found out about OW. I took all the blame on myself with him, but now I know better. I am trying so hard with God's help to make things happier around the house. I am working on going to work (a sore spot with H), not arguing with him, letting him make decisions about things around the house. I am not going to give him an ultimatum, because I think in his stubbornness, he might take that as a way to stop working on us and take the "easy" way out. I truly believe in saving my marriage is something that is in God's will, and I know that He hates divorce, so I must stick in there as long as it takes. I would rather suffer for doing what's right, than to suffer for doing what's wrong. I have to believe that I can win my H back, by being the best wife and woman I can be for him and for us. These EA's are very powerful, and I guess they develop a bond, something they maybe don't feel they have with us. Maybe something we need to get back, I don't know. I don't know if my H has taken the EA to the next step, but I hope he has at least been honest about that. It does kind of make you sick to think that your H thought of his EA as a "supplement" to the marriage. Yikes! Do they think we buy such drivel? So, you keep posting, we all need to see what is helping each other to get through this. God Bless Us All! L
Be the best you that you can be not just for the M, but for YOU! You can't lose, no matter the outcome, if you're doing it for yourself too. You sound like one hell of a lady. Keep your chin up!
thanks, whatsis, I needed a little encouragement today. I need to get off my sad behind and do some of the things that everyone else is doing to improve themselves. I just read through your sitch, and I must say your are a noble man of good character, which is what I always said my H was before his EA. That is one of the things that hurts so much, I never thought he was capable of such deceit and would never harm us in any way. I feel for you, because whether the OP is a man or woman, it is still an A and the bond of a same sex affair is probably very E. Maybe it's even more E based. I don't know. My H seems to be very E attached to the OW. Isn't there some way to break this emotional bond? Is this DBing going to help our S's realize they should be emotionally bonded to us, not to some OP? I am afraid my H thinks he is somehow obligated to OW, because he says he didn't at first tell her he was M. And when he did she wanted to break it off, but he begged her not to. So, I don't know if he can or wants to break it. Of course, I don't know why he can say that someone with an EX deserves any more of his concern and regard than his true family. I guess he wants to put me in the place she was in, divorced with an EX who cheated. How screwed up is that? Of course, I am just thinking these thoughts and they may or may not be what is in his head, but I wish the fog lifts soon, and he sees just what damage he has really done. I wish she would go back to her EX, my H says he wants her back, but he lies, anyway. It's like he's telling me that she wants my H more than her own H.
You know, it just seems so unfair. why can't they sit us down for a serious convo, and insist that there is a problem , before they make the decision to get into an emotional attachment with someone else. I would have taken him seriously, and wanted to help fix our problems. My H did the same thing and avoided conflict for the most part, shut himself away from the family, and said we would miss him when he was gone. How was I to know it was a warning? I would say to him we didn't want him to go anywhere, but I think by then, he was already in the EA. How can one help H to break up the ties and obligations he feels toward the OW? He says it has never been sexual, but he feels obligated to her somehow. Why? He's know her maybe 1 1/2 to two years. He and I have been together for twenty-seven, and have a child, and a home and lots of family we love. I also thought WE had an emotional bond. How to get that back? Anyone else out there going through this with H orW saying it isn't sexual, only emotional? Please, tell me about your sitch, maybe we can figure it all out. L
I know exactly what you mean about wondering why they didn't come to you and just sit you down. I wondered the same thing about my wife. She has yet to admit she had an emotional affair but thats exactly what it was. I think that by the time you realize that they are looking for help, they feel they have already done everything they could to get their point across to you. At this point they build up a "wall" between you and them in order to protect themselves. Kinda like a self defense mechanism. I kick myself everyday for not seing the signs my wife was sending. It all boils down to communication.
Communication breakdown is always the issue when a marriage is falling apart and an affair comes into play. I too wish my H would have come to me and actually talked about the "unhappiness" he felt, especially when I tried to discuss the issues I knew we had with intimacy and closeness in these past 4 years. However, my H will even say that he would have just shrugged it off as being "busy, living a crazy life commuting, too much on the plate right now" and would have never discussed it anyway. He just didn't want to face any confrontations about it all so avoided communication about the emotional aspect of our marriage for years! Now since discovery, all he wants is to put the "apples back in the apple cart", get back to the way it was before the affair! And we all know that without working on the relationship with me, that will not happen!!! We cannot go backwards, putting it all back in place! That life is long gone! But there can be a new life together if we "work" at it!! VC - your H must break off the EA before you will ever be able to move forward, together. Unless he does that, then you need to do what is best for YOU!!! Please focus on what you need right now.....be it getting out with friends, spending time with your extended family, starting a new hobby, doing something you have put off since H didn't want to do it! Me: I am heading to NYC for the first time with my best friend from high school for a weekend of sightseeing and fun!!!! We are sharing a room down on Broadway!!! I have always wanted to go but couldn't get H to ever take the time or even get interested in going so....I will go without him!!! I am so excited! So....work on YOU! Easier said than done but it is the only way to make YOU happy again! And remember, if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!!!
I told my H to end it with her, so we could work on our M, and he said he did. But, a few weeks later, I found lots of messages from ow on H's secret cell. So, to keep the peace, I have to believe him, and hope that he will be telling the truth. I told him that communication was our major problem, but he just snorted at me. He dwells on the past and of course, me and how bad I was. I told him that we can't go back, as much as I wish I could, but we can only go forward. F4myM- I hope you have a great time in NYC, and I hope your H wishes he had gone with you. Let me know how it was. Max- I agree with you about the protective wall they build up. Sometimes, the wall seems a lot higher than at other times, and I wonder why. How did you find out about your W and EA? L
Well, it was kinda by accident. Prior to all this I had never heard of an emotional affair. It was only after I found out about them that I did some reading and ran across the term. I had always trusted my wife, even when it came to her guy friends. At times it would make me a little jealous, but I never let her know. I had been having a feeling that things were going downhill between us but I just dismissed it as stress and the like. I was finishing up my MBA and was gone most nights until 9:30pm or so to class. After I finally finished my MBA (DEC. 2005) I was home quite a bit more, but things weren’t getting any better. Finally one night when we were ML I knew something was wrong. It was the first time ever that I felt she didn’t want to be there. It got me to thinking about something I had run across on the computer a few months earlier. The next day, I did some digging and found some emails that were quite explicit in a private e-mail account she had. She denied anything at first, but when I produced the emails there wasn’t much she could say. Things just went downhill from there. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t entirely her fault. There were a lot of other things leading up to this which were my fault. It’s quite a long story.
Okay, that is so weird, because we were ML and that's when I thought it seemed so different like it was a different man with me, somehow. I even remember commenting on it. He just said "what?" But it was a couple of weeks later that I found the evidence, which he also denied at first. I, too had never heard of an EA. I, too take responsibility for my behaviors that led up to this, but he is the one who decided to take it to a place he should not have.
My husband also had (having) an emotional affair for about a year. He was getting more and more involved and finally I thought he was going to try to see her. I hired a detective and caught them. I told him then it was either her or me, and had an attorney draw divorce papers. After that, I found this website and read the Divorce Remedy book. I have had 2 consultations with Joanne, who is great, and next one scheduled for 2 weeks. I have tried most of the things in the book and some work. However, his temper tantrums, attempts to coerce and control me, his blaming me when he can't have an orgasm (the fact that he is hypertensive and diabetic and does not take care of himself does not enter into it for him), and his threats to leave are making me feel that I would be better off without him. I am going to give it as long as I can, but at least now I feel like I have done what I can do. If it does not work out for us, I will be able to get on with my life.
