Starting from scratch...

[StrongEnough]

Hi all. Don't know if you remember me. I was posting here before. Things still aren't going well...and I think I have to start from scratch for my own sanity here.

My sitch:
Me: 31
H- 34
kids- 3 and 11
11/2003- H left, PA with OW, demanded D.
3/2004- I filed for D and we went through court proceedings.
12/2004- H decides he wants to come home. Says ILY, always did, etc. I break it off with my b/f whom I planned to marry. Struggle with that decision.
Current- Moved out of state looking for a fresh start. As warned, isn't helping.

So here we are, back again. Things have been touch and go. H and I aren't seeing eye to eye on much of anything. The only thing we seem to agree on is that we are both miserable and this isn't working the way it's currently going. A month or so ago, I told him I was done. I wanted a D. We just weren't meant to be together. H agreed to change if I agreed to give it one more try.

Now, I am not perfect. I have my moods. I am miserable. H is miserable and has his moods. The difference between the two of us is our temper when we have our "moods". H is infamous for breaking things. Most recently, he snapped our D's cell phone in half so she could no longer have it. I got ticked because I thought it was a bit extreme. (This is just an example of how things are)

So, H has this new thing that I need to apologize and accept blame for almost everything. Not a problem, when I am wrong. I find myself having to apologize for things that I am not wrong on. Good example, I had a series of unfortunate events happen within minutes of each other. I was aggravated. H asked me what was wrong, I told him the events that had happened. He flipped out saying that I just didn't want to be here with him, etc. Now, I was only telling him what was wrong. Didn't really think I was wrong for that. I had to apologize anyway to keep the peace. It really seems that anytime I have something bother me or aggravate me, H yells at me and tells me in a roundabout way that I am wrong.

He has said a lot of things over the last two months or so that leave me wondering. Some of them are:
*"If you afraid that I am going to cheat on you again, instead of wondering about it, why not try preventing it?"

This was after he ranted to me about how miserable he was, felt like he was a roommate, not wanted, needed, etc. All the things that he originally left me for.

*"If you think you are going to walk away and take the kids you are going to have a fight on your hands".

Per our D agreement, he gave me "full custody".

*"I would leave with just my clothes even though you know that if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have anything that we have now".

Has to throw that in my face since he was able to transfer jobs and I wasn't.

When asked if he was only here to save face since he told his family he would never leave again or if he was here because he wanted to be with me he said:

*"I said I would never leave again and I won't. If I have to live this way the rest of my life then I will. You seem to take advantage of that statement."

I know these might not sound like much when typed out on a screen, but, they are also out of context with the rest of the conversation. Lately, I just feel out of touch with myself. I feel like I am not in control of my life. I can't have things upset me or have moods. I have to walk on egg shells and watch every last word I say. If I say the wrong thing then I have to kiss up for it. H isn't really willing to do the same although he is guilty of the same behaviors.

We have been at this for a whiel now. (Alomst 2 years) When does it get better? Does it ever? Can two people just not be meant to live together as husband and wife?

I just don't know anymore.

Thanks for listening if you have read through this far!

[toughlover]

Are y'all in MC?

Breaking things and yelling...a lot of anger it sounds like. I've been there. Not really breaking things so much, but a lot of yelling and anger.

[cat03]

I do see we regress at times, but even as detached as my H is from me, he knows that neither of us will settle for less (being happy w/each other and confortable in our R).

I do agree with the above post, you guys need a third party so you can learn to deal with the anger and arguments, C won't tell you how to agree on everything, it will teach you how to work together to find a solution without pointing fingers and figuring who did what.

Until then, I see it can be rough if he doesnt' admit he has an anger problem, admitting is half the battle.

[runningoutoftime]

You guys definitely need MC and maybe also some individual counseling. Whether you stay together or not. My prediction is if anger and behavioral problems aren't dealt with these kinds of patterns will only continue in the next relationships.

[StrongEnough]

Thanks everyone for the responses.

There is a lot of anger. On his part. He has always had sort of a temper. Sometimes, he can control it, other times he can't. I am the type that when I get angry...I get quiet and isolate myself from what is making me angry.

We have tried counseling and it really did more harm then good. H was livid that the C thought he was controlling and manipulative...and that his anger and breaking things...was just another control technique. He will not face his demons and face the fact that he does have issues with this. I was in C alone and that too caused a great deal of anxiety in our M. He wanted to know every week what was discussed. Any books or reading material my C gave me he wouldn't allow in the house. (The Verbally Abusive Relationship, etc.) So, C has been tried and shot down.

H has been this way since I married him. He gets very angry and lashes out. He knows it's wrong....but sometimes he just can't control it.

So, he basically thinks he can do no wrong and I am the one who is holding us back. I know that I am not giving thi smy all right now. I just have to try and find out why and whether or not I actually can.

[believing_isaiah43]

This situation doesn't sound very evenly balanced. At. All.

What kind of reconciliation is this where one person is not all the way in, willing to to WHATEVER it takes, listen to WHATEVER advice, to create a good M/R? I just think that is crap (but I'm tired and have no patience tonight).

So. With that said, I'm too cranky with these half-assed reconciliations tonight that I'm reading about. My bad advice would be for all ya'll to be WAS for a while and see how they like it.

(I think I need to go lie down!)

[StrongEnough]

Believing_isiah......

With all due respect....I have been at this (DB) since 2003. After you have been doing this for three (almost 4) years..then feel free to give negative responses.

Please don't attack me for not being "all the way in" in my "half-assed" reconciliation. When you have walked a mile or two in my shoes, in my exact situation, with my H, with my life......then feel free to say what you will about me.


Until then, I have enough negativity in my day to day life without getting it from a SUPPORT board.

With that being said, I truly hope you get some well deserved rest and feel better tomorrow.

[MotherMovingOn]

Hey SE,
Your H sounds like a toughy--determined not to be blamed for what goes wrong. I know how frustrating it can be to live with an ill tempered and sometimes violent control freak (my father). After YEARS of trying to help him see how his behavior did the opposite of what he wanted, I gave up trying and told him I wouldn't see him again until he got help. For a long time he refused to be blamed--he was the victim and he wasn't about to relinquish that role. He was being treated unfairly and if only the rest of us would do what he said (IOW "obey")everything would get better. He refused to get introspective. This gained him no friends and lost him all that he cared about. After a few years of estrangement from the family he finally went to therapy and is a little better--at least I can be in the same room with him now without needed to self medicate.

People like this are very hard to deal with rationally. I can certainly understand your withdrawal from that and I can empathize. It's a protective mechanism. There's only so long you can fight it before you have to activate your protective shields--the containment bubble.

Sheesh, almost 4 years of this-oh SE, that is a long time indeed. YOu have given it the good fight and I know you will find the right answers for yourself however you chose to deal with it. Verbal abuse and the breaking of things is abuse and you absolutely should not have to put up with it. No one should.

BTW I read BI's response as crankiness toward your husband, not you. I think BI's response reflected the frustration many of us feel when we do what feels like ALL the heavy lifting while the person we love sits back with a pina colada and tells us to lift with our legs. Yeah, thanks for the input--could ya maybe get over here and carry a little of the load?

I could be wrong, but that was my take. Glad to see you're still your sassy, beautiful self!
Althea

[believing_isaiah43]

Hey, wait. I was absolutely being cranky toward your H, NOT YOU. HE is the one not all the way in (it reads like) and therefore the one that was making me crazy.

OMGosh, anyone who is on this board is certainly NOT being half-a$$ed but working to save their M. It's the WAS's of all of us that are p*ssing me off this week. NOT you. Sorry to have offended. I had a long day and obviously was not clear in my cranky-aiming.

[StrongEnough]

MMO-

Thanks for dropping by. Your insight is always welcomed and very much appreciated. You are correct, H is a toughy. When we first got back together he took blame for his faults. I don't know what happened. Well, I do. He's the same old H that I had before the bomb. I see a lot of similarity between him and your father.

It's true there is only so much a person can take. I think I have taken more then I ever thought I would. I don't expect him to kiss my butt, but I also don't expect to have to kiss his to keep the peace.

BI- I apologize. I did read into it too much (or I am on auto-pilot with feeling like I have to defend myself) and I was out of line. Guess I am as stressed and tired as you are. I didn't mean to sound so harsh towards you. I do thank you for taking the time to post to me.

This week H is covering another store for his job. He forgot his shaver at the store he normally works in. After work last night he actually drove 1+ hours one way to get it. I have no idea what time he actually got home because I go to bed early for my job. I found it kind of odd that he would do that...knowing that I was working in that area today and could get it for him. I don't even think he used it this morning....so what gives? Also, he mentions this morning that I am sleeping restlessly. (Nothing new for me) After 12 years of it........NOW he says it's waking him and he doesn't know what to do. I know him well and I know this is his set-up to sleep in the spare room.

So, here I am. I am so down and out right now that I couldn't even go to work today. I feel sick to my stomach. The anxiety and stress is causing me chest pains. I just don't think I could possible sink any lower then I am right now. Not sassy and beautiful like I would like to be, but just merely going through the motions of life to survive.