Just wanted to jump in here and acknowledge your signature. I heard "I will follow you into the dark" on Letterman last week. Moving.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Re Chrom "if she suddenly were to become really HD about 5-10 years from now, I would be able to get her back!" Yes, I see some of that. What I also see and BB tells me, once a problem is a sore point for so long, then if the OP switches roles, we don't trust them to stay in the HD role so don't want to get out hopes up and become dependent on the spouse.
It's something like my back problems. Off work in 1981 and again in 1987/8. I don't buy anything on credit. I don't trust my income to be at it's peak for payment making. If I want something, I save. Not quite the same as LD/HD role reversals.
Schnarch said once a person is in a LD role long enough, the HD person has found other things to validate his/her self-esteem and what they value in the M. There is a shift in what people trust will or won't be there.
I am not saying revenge doesn't occur. I know it does. What I am thinking is people who are not out to get even, are generally fair minded, see things from their and the OP side, I think some of those people just lose trust the change from LD to HL isn't real so why depend on the changes. The changes can disappear anytime.
Do I sound like I don't count on people? Maybe I don't. I know life is not fair, things happen for good or bad that can't always be explained or are logical.
Maybe what you call revenge is something like I call selfish or defensiveness or not wanting to be exposed to dissapointment and the related feelings. Hay I don't like to be turned down. It happens too often.
Quote: Schnarch said once a person is in a LD role long enough, the HD person has found other things to validate his/her self-esteem and what they value in the M. There is a shift in what people trust will or won't be there.
I am not saying revenge doesn't occur. I know it does. What I am thinking is people who are not out to get even, are generally fair minded, see things from their and the OP side, I think some of those people just lose trust the change from LD to HL isn't real so why depend on the changes. The changes can disappear anytime... ...Maybe what you call revenge is something like I call selfish or defensiveness or not wanting to be exposed to dissapointment and the related feelings... Lou
well, I don't know that I've found any other way to "validate" myself or whatever, but things have been this way pretty much forever. I'm still hd. just cuz I am. From what I've been reading in all of this "stuff" seems to indicate that *I* should be the LD one...but I'm not. I can't imagine that ever changing.
for a short time, a while back, W made a valiant effort and became "apparently" HD. At first I was shocked...then that changed to "worry". I honestly thought she was sick or something..."could this be the "manic" stage of a manic-depressive episode", I wondered? But in any case, I didn't expect it would last. I couldn't, for the very reasons you state. And they didn't last. was that a self-fulfilling prophecy? did I not react to this change in the right way, showing fear or trepidation, instead of whatever I was supposed to? I don't know... but yeah...don't get your hopes up, and you won't be disappointed. story of my life...
Quote: for a short time, a while back, W made a valiant effort and became "apparently" HD.
Did you discuss this with your W? She could have given you some insight into why this was happening. Did anything significant happen in her life that may have percipitated an HD lifestyle? Sometimes it is as simple as having sexy dreams. It could be as complex as doing inner work and having a breakthrough.
If LD is your Ws default position, it is only natural that she would return to it if she is having difficulty maintaining a shiny new HD lifestyle.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Quote: It could be as complex as doing inner work and having a breakthrough.
yeah, kind of like that. {quote] If LD is your Ws default position, it is only natural that she would return to it if she is having difficulty maintaining a shiny new HD lifestyle.
exactly my point. Its hard for a leopard to change his spots. Thats why I don't *expect* any real, permanent change.
This has to be incredibly difficult for the LD spouse. In order to save their marriage, they literally have to change there own personality. This is WAY beyond sex, it's about how being HD actually effects ALL of your own personality. Women think this is all about sex, it is not. It is about how the change in sex drive actually changes her personality. So focusing on the sex does NOT fix the problem. This again is a point in Dr. Lauras book.
from my perspective i am a higher desire spouse, but i wouldn't say abnormally HD. i would say my wife is LD though. if i didn't broach the issue, i think she'd be fine not making love.
i think she's very confused that i have a need to get fulfillment sexually in order to feel good about myself; that i am "needy"...
i do need to know i am loved and accepted. when you share yourself with someone in an intimate way, that is a form of acceptance which is very special in my opinion, where in contrast, just getting off is very superficial.
fyi for any W reading this thread, men who love their wives very much also want to please their wifes. we want to be good lovers, and we want to be viewed as very important to you... we are not looking to merely experience release.
and our egos can be frail. we also experience a downturn in our own sexual response as perhaps tell-tale signs something is affecting our mind and body, or that we are simply getting older.
but when you've been suffering years of rejection (power thing), and then the sex ramps from fairly infrequent (once every 2 weeks maybe) to nothing as well, it affects you profoundly.
i can't seem to get an i love you, or thanks, or sorry or whatever unless it is solicited now. there seems to be nothing heart-felt.
it's very (i could write that word many times) sad.
when the person in your life that you love on all levels finds you unacceptable, what do you have?
well, you can try to fill yourself up with self worth, but there's a limit. right?
i don't need my wife to make me feel good about myself. but, i do need to have an intimate relationship to feel like lovers and soulmates. when i say intimate, i'm not speaking in the souly sexual sense. far from it.
Quote: This has to be incredibly difficult for the LD spouse. In order to save their marriage, they literally have to change there own personality. This is WAY beyond sex, it's about how being HD actually effects ALL of your own personality. Women think this is all about sex, it is not. It is about how the change in sex drive actually changes her personality. So focusing on the sex does NOT fix the problem. This again is a point in Dr. Lauras book.
Cemar, it is just not true that LD spouses must change their personality in order to impact the marital sex life in a positive manner.
