First...I'm new here and don't quite understand the lingo so forgive me if mess up.
OK....here's the dirt. I've been married 10 years and have a 6yr old daughter who means the world to me. I'm 34 W is 33. I began an A on Feb. 1, 2002 and it ended (for good) on Aug. 15, 2006. The OW is someone I worked with. I don't see her on a regular basis, but I know I'll run into her at some point since we are both professionals in the same field and only 25 miles apart. She was M when we started and is now D. She says it wasn't the A...that it was already over when we started. I don't know if I believe it, but I can't think about that right now. In Dec. of 2005, I told her I had to work things out at home and I felt I did. But the A continued (less intense) until Aug.
Now all contact has been stopped because she wanted it that way. She realized that she couldn't let me hurt my daughter because of her and that she couldn't take being hated by freinds and family if the A was discovered. (and everyone would know if we endeed up together) Problem #1 is that I had decided that I didn't want it to end...I wanted to leave. Now I'm in a total state of longing for her....I miss her so bad...I have NO ONE to talk to about this.
Problem #2 is that I have now told my W that I am unhappy (which I am), and severly depressed (big time) and I want out. However, I really don't know what I want. I know the A is over and the OW has probably already moved on so that's not really and option in my mind (running to her). But I can't begin to go on with my W with this secret hanging over me. Me wanting out is killing her (she doesn't understand), and that kills me. I wonder if she would still love me if I told her about the A? Would I want to work it out? Sometimes I think that if I could lose the baggage I'm carrying and let her know the real me and she would still want to be with me then I could be happy. I just don't know.
We've been to C twice, but I can't put forth an effort with this hanging over me. I'm a very strong willed person and things don't usually get to me, but this has just about put me over the edge. I'm dying inside and I feel so hopeless that I don't know where to turn or what to do. I almost spilled my guts last night, but I thought I should think about it some more.
I do know this for sure right now...either I tell her about the A, or I get D. I can't go on with her living a lie for the rest of my life. And if I tell, I will ruin the live of the OW and her 5 yr old son...wow, what a mess.
Any advice would be greatly apreciated....I'm on the edge looking down
Take a deep breath. It is good that you told your wife that you are not happy and depressed.
What did you talk about when you were in counseling? The affair? Your depression? Guilt? Did you talk about the root of the problem or just a symptom?
Do youself a favor and spend some quality time with your daughter tonight. I know the only time I feel at peace is when I am spending time with my daughter. Small steps.
Try not to focus on the affair much right now. That won't do much for your depression. You messed up, but it is over now.
I almost spilled my guts last night, but I thought I should think about it some more.
I'm a believer that in order to repair the M, all will need to be told. But not necessarily right now. You sound very, very distraught and you need time to think things through. Your W is <probably> going to have lots of questions for you and you need to make sure you have good answers.
I've been where you are in some ways. I did not have a full blown A, but despite that, over two years later my M is still suffering greatly. This is going to be a long road. You need to start getting strong.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
CF, You've been in an A for almost half your marriage. I wonder if perhaps you would be ready for what marriage will be like without the A going on - even without all the hurt that ending an A implies.
Maybe you could see an individual therapist for you first, before you bring everything up to W and before you decide to leave... just so you can figure out how you'll deal with this heart-ache and terrible secret at the same time. Also so maybe you can find out why you had the A and if you want to try to save your M. Don't act on what you're feeling right now.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
So the A lasted 4 yrs or was it a typo? if it isnt', I'm not sure my advice would really apply but here it goes.
My H also felt the very same way, except he just walked away w/out warning, had a 6mth A and the Ow broke it off.
I've forgiven him, of course I blew up and went ballistic, I had to calm down, needed tons of reasurance that it was over and that he only wanted me. With time I was able to cope, though could've use more of his support. I discover the A after it was over, so he had a time to deal w/it and didnt want to talk about it.
I've forgiven him, I had to decide to fully forgive him with no strings attached and accepting I could never use the A as leverage for anything in the future.
My H was almost relieved when I found out (NOT happy, relieved) 'cause it waasn't hanging on him anymore, so I understand what you are saying. Why would you ruin OP's life by coming out clean to your w? You dont' really miss her, you just miss "someone" to talk to, taht's what affairs are, an escape from misery. The A isn't the end, please read this: Beyond betrayal..live after infidelity
Quote: either I tell her about the A, or I get D
Which do you think will destroy her more? I'll you, the D. I know you are scared, but if you decide to take the high road you will come clean to her, it will hurt her, yes, but in teh long run it is the best desicion. Some WAS here didnt' have the courage to rebuild their marriages and fix the damage done, your W also has a part on this, the A isn't her fault but i'm sure other things were a factor to the strain of your M.
We all mess up, there is always a chance to fix things. My H never believed on drs yet his depression was crippling, his anxiete left him unable to sleep, he was numb and miserable, please consider talking to a psychologist or just your dr for some depression meds.
YOu will be a better man for coming out w/the truth, go to MC with your wife and maybe there you can confess to the A. I pray you do)))))))))))) if my H would've come clean I would've handled it better and not felt as miserable as I did, I had to dig and snoop to find the whole truth which turned ugly each time.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Counseling was pretty much a waste of time. We mostly focused on the root of the problem...my unhappiness and my depression. But I wasn't truthful about it so what good could it possibly do? I know exaclty why I'm depressed. Just going through the motions....unless I spill all I can't work on the M......
CF, it's a mess. You need to work on one problem at a time, but at this point, it's all intertwined. Make sure you have a good MC. Working/talking about your problems of why you're unhappy will/should bring out about your A. You've got to come clean to your W. She deserves that respect. Be prepared and cautious. Her reactions will be normal and under the circumstances understandable. You both will probably need time apart to figure out what you both want our of your R/M. Alot is going on here, be ready for what is to come. Be true to your W, but also importantly be true to yourself.
