How to handle H in separate room

[inpain_dup1]

Not entirely sure this is the right forum but here goes.

My H has started to hint that he may want to try to work on M and move back into spare room. Whilst I am thrilled at this massive improvement in our sitch I just don't know how this would work.

At the minute he is coming round every day (we have a S2 so not just to see me) and last week he was hugging me goodbye. Now this week he is talking about buying a bed for spare room and poss coming back yet now when he says goodbye he kind of gives me an I'm sorry smile and ruffles my hair???? I'm worried he's coming back because he feels sorry for me or something but daren't ask because of no R talk rule!

If he came back and was in spare room I'm not sure how to handle it. Do I act as if we are back together in every way except intimately and wait for him to make first moves on hugs, kisses etc? Do I "act as if" everything was totally normal and try to hug?? Do I treat the spare room as his private room or can I go in and give him a cup of tea or whatever when he wakes up?? I just don't know? Or should I ask him all this if he moves back. Can the no R talks be lifted slightly when he moves back???

If anyone has had partner return to work things out I would really appreciate any advice/suggestions. Thanks.

My story is in newcomers sorry I don't know how to link them together

[brandnewday]

First question...
Do you want him to move back under these circumstances?
From your post it doesn't seem like it.
You do need to understand that yes the goal is to have him come back, but you also get to have a say in what happens to your relationship.

IF you cannot emotionally handle this arrangement DON'T DO IT.

My H moved back home after moving out but he moved into his own space.

I was NOT allowed to go in there under any circumstance.
He joined in all of the family activities, ate dinner with us, watched TV with us, we even went on a few dates, but that was HIS space.

Gradually he began to spend the nights in our bed again, but this process took several months.

I did not pursue him, I took it very slowly and gave him his space.
In some ways it was good that we each had our own corners to retreat to, as there was so much unresolved anger between us.

Unfortunately he got a job far away so now he doesn't live at home anymore...BUT we talk several times on the phone each day and are im the process of moving so we can all be together again.

On the plus side, my marriage in some ways has become better.
Our communication is stronger and we have rebuilt the friendship between us that we lost along the way.

So in answer to your questions, play it by ear, let him set the pace and treat him as if he were just a friend.

He needs to be able to trust you and this is a way for him to test the waters.

[inpain_dup1]

Thank you for your reply and advice. I don't think its so much that I don't want that arrangement its more that I thought when he came back it would be because he has realised he does love me. I didn't realise that maybe he would come back before feeling that he loves me. I suppose I'm just wondering is it possible to go from being in the spare room to him being in love with me again. I'm not sure I'm explaining it well.

[brandnewday]

Yes,
We all would love for our spouses to come to their senses.
Show up at the house with chocolates and flowers professing their undieing love for us, that they made a terrible mistake and live happily ever after.

This is not reality.

This is why this forum is called piecing.

One step at a time.

[cat03]

I didn't realise that maybe he would come back before feeling that he loves me

He could still love you but he needs space, you want him to pick up where he left off before he left, it isnt' reasonable, he isnt' ready. My H and I sleep together, but he is still finding his feelings for me. Respect your H's decision, he wants to connect w/you but at this moment he's also doing soul searching.

You both need to reconnect and go back to that stage where you were friends first, I'm guilty of rushing my H into being that man that was crazy for me, by rushing him I actually push him away. Give him his space, take his cues, for the time being I'd just stay away from the spare room. When he is ready he isn't going to need the spare room,he'll come to you.

Haven't read ur story, but in my case my H was still depressed and torn about the failed A, wasn't affectionate w/me at all, still not as much as I want him to. But I started slowly, now and then would hold his hand, he'd take it, or I'd hug him for a bit when we'd watch a movie, would kiss him on the lips good night, eventually I initiated sex and he'd respond (that's another whole enchilada) no need to withold your affection if he isn't as affectionate as you want him to be right now, give him time oK? good luck! it's a great step that he wants to move back

[inpain_dup1]

Thank you for your replies you are all so helpful. I'm trying to say to myself over and over to just be grateful if he moves back in - it's one step nearer. Hearing that other people's "reunions" have been similar makes me feel better.

I have cleared the spare room this afternoon just in case and H also rang to say he's arranged for his Mum to look after S so we can go get a bed. (he keeps saying it's for S but when he first mentioned it a week ago I said that I couldn't put S in it if he was going to end up wanting it because S is only 2 and wouldn't understand and he did agree) I now know what everyone means by aliens on these boards!!! They really are talking and thinking in a different language!

My mission: to work on my patience (I really need to crack this or I'm going to fail aren't I?)

[inpain_dup1]

Still don't know what is going on. We are definitely getting a bed on Thursday but that's all he's said. He kissed me on the forehead this morning - he popped in before work. He keeps telling me to keep my chin up and stop worrying. I hope this is his way of telling me he will come back eventually. Has anyone else felt like this? I feel more upset now in a way than when he left - its as though when he was saying there was no chance I kind of accepted it and now that there maybe a chance I feel sick/upset with anticipation of knowing the outcome?

[cat03]

He did say he was coming right? he is getting a bed, why would he do that if he doesnt' want to move back?
He's actually conforting you (something I don't get from my H right now) so that's a great sign. Tomorrow is thursday, calm down, you are going to need loads of patience AFTER he moves in too, remember that, so start now.

[inpain_dup1]

Hi Cat03. Mmmmm...He kind of said he was coming I think. What he actually said was he was having a serious think and not to worry. I slipped up and said how can I not worry when you're thinking of divorcing me and he said the decision I'm making is not divorcing I'm deciding whether to move back in and try again. So I've kind of taken it to mean he is coming home. But then now i'm thinking straight what's the opposite of not coming home other than divorce??

He has said all along that the bed is for S2 although he did mention about 2 weeks ago that if he came home he could use the bed we get for S.

Its like he's hinting because he doesn't know how to just come out and say it - I don't know. But like you say tomorrow is Thursday . I'm going to get to bed early tonight so I'm not tired or cranky and make sure I'm cheery the whole trip!!

You're right it is a good sign that he is comforting me. i think I flipped out for a few days and feel a bit more in control of myself today. H had to drive a 600 mile round trip last night/this morning and he texted me to let me know he was home safe and made a joke about where he'd been. I txtd a jokey reply back and he rang and we had a really laughing joking conversation. I can't remember the last time we joked with each other like that.

I have been thinking hard about how to behave if he does come back and I'm just going to carry on as I have been only happier because I'm another baby step forward. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow!

[cat03]

what's the opposite of not coming home other than divorce?

it could be that he is still making his mind, for a time my H was between me and OW, he'd say things, about the future together, etc. It really wasn't the best thing to say, him saying "not to worry". If nothing happens tomorrow they you can just be frank and say "I'd like to know where we are going, as this separation is painful to me". He prob doesnt' realize what this is doing to you.

I know here in DB we dont' bring up R talk, but if he is hinting he is coming back and has you hanging by a thread I don't think it is fair either. Before my H came back, he'd say his T suggested we "date" each other to see how we do together (though the next week he moved back after Op broke it off)

So maybe that's what he means, he wants you to date each other which isnt' a bad idea either, it is a chance to reconect, to find out about each other again.