Pouring all my garbage out here is definately helping me. I've just been reading JM's old posts on his sitch and that has really helped as well.
What is frustrating me right now is that your H is where I was 3-4 weeks ago, and I can't talk to him. I'd like to.
He keeps running back to you because he loves you. He misses his family, and he realizes that his fling, regardless of what he thought it was when it started. was just that... a fling. And that is a bitter pill for him to swallow.. he regrets what he has done. But where the real pain comes in is that he hurt you for it. He said things he didn't really mean, because he was so delusional. What he is struggling with now is, "how could I have been so wrong?" How could I do this? Then, you have to consider the OW... I know I know.. F Her! but listen.. What is her sitch? Is she M? is He the OM? If so, you can bet that he's getting an extra dose of guilt. Esp, if she is a WAW. OR worse a WAW W/K(s). But what I'd really like to tell him is let her go.. Regardless of what happens b/w U2.. she is trouble he dosn't need. Face it, she has commitment issues, and so does he. That is a recipe for disaster. The fairytale romance won't survive that fact. They never do. And.. that what he really needs to spend his energy on is rekindling the romance that he feels lost with the woman that will stick by him through thick and thin.
Hey JM! Nice to see you around today. How is Steve? Or is it Jennifer? I lost track, anyhow....now that there is Mike and you, why don't you? It'd be easier to get feedback and for everyone to "jump right in." Oh by the way, how are the twins?
Yes JM, excitment. He's hooked on a feeling. A Fleeting moment.. a fantasy.. But in his stooper he finds guilt. Don't you want to talk to him?
Side note: Yes! a forum for narcissitic sob's... In there I'd really like to start a thread on the OW's MO. or to be politically correct, the OP's MO.. I bet we could rant together for hours on end. Mike.
I really am so sorry that you're caught up in all of this, and to be pinioned by the addiction of another is always an ugly thing.
Others have given similar advice to mine: I think you have to get to the point where you simply tell your spouse, "I know this is what makes you happy, but I can't do this anymore. I am setting a healthy boundary for us, because I love you/us. I won't give my permission/say yes to this anymore because I love you/us.
Your spouse has got to know that you're firm and ready to do the LRT. Besides, how healthy is it for you to have him off with someone else--what risk are you putting yourself at?
Mike, My H's OW is single and 30 (my H and I are both 32). She has never been married. She lost a fiance in 911. She was with some guy for 3 years and she was living with him. She told him to hit the road when she got together with my H. She is unattached. No kids. No restrictions. And like I said, every guy's dream. A cool hang-out chick.
I keep hearing you all talk about guilt. I have to say, I really don't think my H has guilt. I think he finds ways to justify it in his head. He doesn't seem to care about huring anybody. He will do what he has to do to make himself feel good, regardless of who it hurts in the process (his kids included).
So, here we are... Wed night and we haven't heard from him since Monday. Hasn't checked on the kids or anything. Hasn't asked to see them.
He seems to have no problem saying to me that things are "going great" and the going straight to her.
JM and Mike... did you at one time think your OWs were your soul mate? i mean, did you feel like you had more in common with them than your Ws? that's what I really struggle with. We have stuff in common like our history, our family, our kids and we do have some common interests... we like the same TV shows, we like working on our house, we like to take walks, etc... But she has the same job as him, plays golf (which is my H's passion in life), loves red sox and patriots, like my H (i can handle a certain amount of sports, but I'm not about to spend my Sunday watching football), plays pool. They're both from RI. You get the point. And at the end of the day, is all that enough? Relationships aren't meant to be in a bubble forever. Part of waht make an R an R is their exposure to the outside elements, like frinds and family... like life responsibilites and problems.
I do find myself constantly competing with someone who seems to have it all over me from the fun, common interest perspective.
I'm in so much pain. My H has come back to me professing his love and commitment too many times only to have him continue to have OW in his life. I'm drained. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken.
I highly recommend James Dobson's Love must be Tough book.
You need to lay down some boundaries. Please stop comparing yourself to OW. WHo gives what her interests are? That's surface stuff. She obviousely has no integrity, self-worth, honest values, to break up someone's marriage and family with young kids.
Don't ever compare yourself to her. She in no way fits even into your catefory. If men are from Mars, Women from Venus, she is from Jupiter, or hell.
Actually, I have the book but I haven't looked at it a very long time. I thought DR was a much better book and that one has pretty much my bible.
I did lay down a boundary. No more OW. ANd if he was to talk to OW, he was to tell me about it and I agreed not to ask 20 questions about it. But he contineus to talk to her (and see her as well) and has not once told me about it without being caught. I think he's completely lost... just gone.
I'll go back and take a look at that book. Thanks.
aidandylan, check out MuddleThrough's (MuddleWaters IV)thread. He has posted a great article which does talk about comparing yourself to the "perfection" of the OP. You are comparing yourself to a fantasy figure, the real person is nothing like what your S believes him/her to be. I found it very helpful, take a look.
JM and Mike, What's your perspective on writing him a letter to let him knonw exactly where I stand.
I also posted this letter to my thread on the MLC board. I want to get opinions before I do anything potentially damaging.
Quote: Dear H, I apologize for creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. As you know, I have taken responsibility for the mistakes in made in our marriage and I have put forth every effort to correct those mistakes.
During the last 5 months of our reconciliation, I have made it clear in my actions that I was willing to forgive and move forward toward a new and improved marriage. I put my heart and soul into meeting the needs you said were lacking in our relationship. And I was happy to do it to save our marriage and to bring you back into my heart again.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough, as you are seemingly continuing some form of relationship with OW and have not been upfront with me about it. As you know, we made an agreement in counseling that you would tell me if and when you would speak to and/or see OW, and that did not happen. I do not know the extent of your relationship or how often you see her. At this point, those details don’t even matter. What I do know is that you are being dishonest with me about it, despite your previous commitment to severing ties and opening up to me with total honesty.
At this point, I am unwilling to continue a relationship with you in any fashion, except for that of a parenting relationship, while your relationship with OW continues or while the lying and deception continue. If ever there comes a time when she is not in your life and when you decide you want to be an honest and honorable person, I would be willing to talk to you about it. But in the meantime, I have decided to move forward with my life and try to find happiness without you.
All I ever wanted throughout all this was the ability to rebuild our marriage… to build a life for each other whereby we could make each other happy… to be the best friends we once were. I have loved you completely for 13 years and continue to love you. But I simply cannot be in this relationship with you if you are not in it 100% and willing to do what it takes to be in an honest, faithful and committed marriage.
All my love, me
Anyone else who has an opinion, please let me know. Oh and by the way, I got this idea from a book called, "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr. and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers.
Hi,I don't know that the letter would help.It helps you to get it out,but he is still in his alien world.Your best bet is to DETACH big time from him.Make him miss you.You can write it for you and put it up,but i don't know if i would give it to him.You have already shown him you love him and you just spent the weekend together,i think detach.He has to still love you or he would be gone altogether,make him come to you.Don't be there emotionally for him right now. BTW,being single,that OW,is probably very selfish.She hasn't taken care of children like you.Give it time her ugly side will show.You have great aspects of being a COOL Chick also.So get to getting yourself cool.Be nice to you.God Bless,K
