Hello, I am back. Things had been going pretty smoothly until last night. I was on our computer and learned that my H had visited some sites that make me feel disappointed in him. Granted this may be a natural thing for “men” to do, but I have a hard time with it. It’s even more difficult when the site is “virtual”. I already have a hard time trusting him. Just by him doing this, makes me feel like I still can’t trust him.
My initial reaction was to tell him how angry I was and that I now know I can’t trust him ever!!! But instead of approaching him when I was angry, I thought I would cool down and think about it. I had found out back then that he was doing this and his reply was because I didn’t give him any S, which was true. I feel I’ve been there for him every since and have never said no to S after finding out about his A. So now, what would the reason be??? It makes me jealous that he is doing this and fantasizing about someone else, but my friend says everyone does this…… I thought I would throw this sensitive situation out there for you guys to give me some feedback.
I would say that any sexual activity undertaken by a person without their S's enthusiastic agreement is destructive.
Unfortunately, I went through a period where I used porn to deal with the pain of my wife's rejection, and I did it with her knowing about it, and disapproving (even though she was involved in an EA/PA with OM, which I didn't know about). The more my wife withdrew, the more I used porn like some people use drugs or alcohol...to escape the pain and loneliness.
Which of course just created more pain and loneliness, created more distance, and further hampered my ability to become a better husband.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I know some women will look the other way and say it is "normal"....or that they don't mind because it isn't real... I still feel it is demeaning....pretty soon it takes more and more to excite them....and fantasy is NOT REAL LIFE... we live in a real world here, act like it!... My biggest objection comes from the mere fact that most men find the need to hide it....if it has to be hidden it isn't good for their conscience....they begin seering it so that pretty soon they can rationalize other things too...so if they hide it, wouldn't that be cheating???...to me it is... As to how to handle this subject with dignity and get your point across....I am not sure....but I don't believe you can just pretend that it isn't happening.... If he is unhappy and using this as an escape then you need to get him to talk to you....nothing will be fixed by virtual fantasy....things get fixed by being real and facing the problems....working on them together....no secrets or hiding... I wish you the best
I think many men have porn addictions. Is it right? probably not...could it be worse...yes. I personally have struggled with it but after getting caught I quit...it was hard because it was part of my life for many many years...I never though much about it or put much importance in it but I saw it hurt my wife so I stopped for her.
Not sure how to handle confronting him...if you are in joint counseling or anything like that I would do it there.
Interested in what others say....
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
I don't struggle with it really...once the truth of our sitch was revealed and my wife are being honest with each other, that's still worth more to me than almost anything else.
It's painful, but honest, and when it is painful I rely on God to help me deal with the pain...don't need any solutions that aren't really solutions anymore.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I think that as long as it breaks an agreement of what both spouses agree is acceptable behavior for both parties it is a problem. Whether it's cheating is another question. This then poses the question about whether a man's wandering eye is cheating, or a woman's thoughts about being with a celebrity is cheating, or if sexual dreams are cheating.
On some level, man is a manifestation of the essence of man and woman is a manifestation of the essence of woman. We men appreciate the female, but commit to one that represents all of the female being, and vice versa. Just what that commitment entails is a combination of social conventions and the specific agreement between the two people in the relationship. As long as the actions bring justice to and honor the relationship, even if it is counter to societal norms, it isn't cheating. Only once a member of the union is hurt or feels dishonored, a boundary line either must be re-evaluated or a clearly defined boundary has been crossed and a wrong done. The trouble here is that societal norms play a big part in our internal value structure, but they don't dictate them. This is much the same as a child's value structure is built up around the parent's but in doing so is a response to key componants of it, and the subjective judgements may be polar opposites of those of the parent.
If you are hurt, communicate your hurt. If your spouse doesn't want to address this hurt, there may be deeper issues at play. Read the section in DR about this. Some suggestions are to get involved in the fantasy yourself - thereby fostering bonding and improving your relationship or give ultimatums if this behavior is totally unacceptable to you. There should be a way to come to a compromise, as this behavior is likely an escape/habit that can easily be replaced if both partners are willing to get creative.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
If it creates a problem in your M, then it's a problem. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it is a problem. I also don't believe that looking at porn is "natural" for men and that "everybody does it". To say that he does it because you don't give him sex is horsesh*t! How does he play hide the sausage with a computer screen? Give me a break. Now, if there are issues re: sex in your M then this is a good time to address them together. Forget blaming and look at how this can be fixed TOGETHER. I think in DR there is a section on porn addiction, you should take a look. Remember you are not responsible for what your H chooses to do anymore than he is responsible for your choices. Don't fall for that nonsense.
I would not say that it is "cheating" per se. But once again I agree with whatisis. If it is creating problems in the marriage...it is a problem. I know it not an apt analogy, but if he were sitting on the couch watching TV all day, or at the gym all the time, or having too many poker nights each week....it does not matter.
