Not exactly sex-starved....but.....

[haustalavista]

I'm new here. I have read DB/DR, but only the article about the sex-starved marriage.

My scenario
Me (H): 36
Wife: 37

My problem isn't that I am in a sex-starved marriage. We average maybe a couple times a week, but it's always the same. My W is willing to have sex, but there isn't passion. She either won't or doesn't want to kiss me before or during. It usually comes down to oral (for her) and builds up to typical missionary position. The vast majority of times I'm the one that initiates and she just seems to go along with it without seeming all that interested-almost like she's resigned to the act. I've tried to discuss it with her and ask for more passion and more of a build-up to it, but she actually gets upset, says I'm never satisfied, I'm needy, and demanding. Trying to not be the one to initiate results in nothing happening. I don't know how long it would go if I didn't eventually make the move. And before you ask, yes, I've tried romancing her first....nice restaurant, flowers, bubble baths, massages, etc, and it still works out that she claims being sleepy. Her solution to that is a quicky in the late afternoon followed by putting our clothes back on and resuming everything else.

The problem is that it isn't just about sex for me. I want the whole ball of wax. I want to make out and "heavy pet". I want to take my time and build up to things. I would like to feel wanted and desirable (and I think I am..and I think other women would agree). I think that part of the problem is the disappointment I feel and she can pick up on. If things go for awhile and I'm feeling especially amorous, I think I'm sweeter, and she notices and appreciates it, but still, she never initiates or just enjoys the whole physical experience. It always just works out to be a quickie.

Compounding the problem is a recent experience. I went out with some friends and there was some much younger women out that I know. I was getting more of the attention I wish I got from my wife. They were vibrant, flirtatious, playful, and cuddly. I know that I should have discouraged it, but I didn't let it go any farther than just play. There were several girls, but one in particular was definitely putting on the pressure. I don't know if it would have went anywhere, but I made sure I kept it just friendly with flirting. I know, this is going in a very bad direction and I also know that a person of the opposite sex providing the things you're lacking can lead to actual feelings. I want to be with my wife, but I want things to be different....so both of us can get at least some of what we need.

I guess I'm looking for suggestions for firing my wife up. Letting her be in the driver's seat for a while or at least a time or two. Any ideas.

[Greeneyedlass]

haustalavista,

You mentioned romancing her etc....but have you talked to her, about how this is really making you "feel", about your emotions etc?

There are a great many women out there who don't really understand that men crave passion, just as many women do. Unfortunately a lot of women are raised that sex is something you do to take care of your H (which is what it sounds like your W does), but unfortunately many of us are also raised to erroneously believe that men crave the physical release primarily....and not the emotional side of things.

So...if you have talked to her what did your convo go like....if you haven't, why haven't you?

Oh...and stay away from those flirtatious situations, they are a slippery slope. I know the attention feels good, but if you are wanting to build your M with your W, stay away from those situations.

GEL

[haustalavista]

GEL,

Yeah, I've had that talk. Basically, I told her exactly what I wrote here...that I needed to feel more connected while ML. I said I wanted it to feel like we were ML, not just having sex. I told her that even if we just kissed for awhile before and during that it would be more fulfilling for me. Her response was, "that just isn't me. It's not how I am, you know that." The problem is, that it was her when we started out and it just disappeared after we married. At first she said she would try, but after nothing changed I mentioned it several times since and she got upset and frustrated and started talking about how I was needy. I couched it in terms of it being difficult to feel the love, but it just went sour. So, she knows and understands that it isn't just about physical release. I'd rather just make out and not have sex than have passionateless sex.

Yes, I know it is a slippery slope and I'm going to avoid any future situations like that, but what it did for me was push me to write instead of just read. It was a stark contrast to what I have now and really drove home that I need to figure this out. Nothing really happened this time, but I shouldn't have even been in that situation. And I wanted to be. I didn't want an affair, but I wanted to feel desirable and wanted. I feel guilty, but part of me feels...I don't know...relieved, because I was at the very least fun to be around. Which is something I should work on with her....being fun, spontaneous and silly.

[CeMar]

haustalavista:

You are definitely in a SSM! Join the club that absoultely no one wants to belong too. I have been where you are for 16 years. Do you have children? This will make a big difference in addressing how you solve this situation.

[Greeneyedlass]

Ok...so ya had the talk. Did you give her specific things that she can do that would make you feel loved? I know it seems like you shouldn't have to do that right? But people interperet things differently...when you say I want to "feel" loved, well...what does that mean to you? What can she (or did she in the past) do that makes you feel that way. When you tell her you want to feel like you are ML with her...did you two ever have that feeling during sex in the past?

GEL

[sean669]

I feel your pain.

Me: (H) 34
M: 11yrs
2 kids
I am in the same boat. Although the last couple of months it been zilch! I go out with my buddies, and feel (who really knows) I could go as far as I want. But I don't. I've tried to take her out, but she is not the same person when we were dating.

I read the books (and continue reading) and have listened to keeping love alive. we are also talking to a DB coach. But there is this wall that she put up and I can not penitrate it. not sure what to do. While I don't have an answer for you, your not alone. as men I think our wives sometimes think is all about sex. But I would like some passion. sometimes just holding each other is enough for me. other times I want to be wild. But when the other S seems distant and emotionless it makes it hard.

Hang in there

[sapphire68]

I'm in the same boat that you are, except I'm the WIFE. I only WISH we had sex two times a week atleast. We have sex maybe once per month if I'm lucky. I usually have to push for it if I want it more than that and it stresses him out and he ends up getting angry because he thinks all I think about is sex when I just want to get it atleast a couple times a month. I don't think that means I'm a horndog for wanting it that much.

For my H it's more because he is under a tremendous amount of stress at work and doesn't want to have to perform sexually. For me, I'm home all day and it's all I have time to think about I guess so I tend to want it more.

It's very easy to go out and notice other people (opposite sex) looking at you and showing interest in you sexually. I love the looks I get from men every day. In fact, sometimes I dress in a way that will attract attention to me. I know it's probably not right but I crave attention constantly.

If you love your wife then you can make it work if you talk to her perhaps. I'm no expert and I'm here to get advice as well since I'm in the same situation. But I do know that when I talk to my H about this topic it does help somewhat. I try and talk about it when we are in the bed together but not having sex. Maybe you could try letting your wife initiate sex at times. I try to do that with H more often now and he does do it but a lot of the times we still just cuddle and end up not having sex anyway. And that may be what your wife needs right now, to be in control. Atleast it would be progress.

I do hope things get better for you soon. I SO know how it feels and it is NOT a good feeling to be rejected by someone you love and adore and spend every day of your life with.

[sean669]

sapphire68,

good to hear that it's NOT just men... sorry to hear that as well :-).

How do you go about talking about it? I guess I'm looking for anything. Although, we are at different places, I would love to get some ideas.

Not only have we not had sex in a couple of months, she stopped kissing me as well. anytime I try to give her one, she turns so I kiss her on the cheek. It kills me.

[haustalavista]

That's guys and girls,

GEL, I have given specifics and that I wouldn't even want sex as much as now if when we did we actually made love. I basically gave her the roadmap...kissing, followed by....etc. We both read the 5LL and I pointed out to her that the things talked about under PT were the things that made me feel loved and loving to her. What is hard is the times she does try...it's seems so forced, like giving me a hug and kiss is onerous to her or something. If anything, a half-hearted attempt makes me feel worse about us than no attempt at all. It makes me feel that it just isn't possible for her and this is what I'm in for with her. She's even said things that reinforce that stance by saying that it "just isn't her" and that "I need to get used to it" and stop being so needy.

I've also tried what was suggested, letting her initiate. It doesn't happen. Or if it happens, she initiates a quickie right after I get home. Our hectic lives have a lot to do with it, but it isn't all that's involved. Even when it is just us things are the same.

How does a person go sixteen years? I just can't see me doing that (unless I lose my sex drive). Sometimes I wish I'd lose it and was the one that basically held all the cards when it came to sex. I know, I know...revenge or "tit-for-tat" isn't much of an answer.

Yes, we have kids. Two (12 and 14) and an additional two from a previous marriage (8 and 10-part of the time). It is exhausting running around to their various activities. And it doesn't leave much time at night. Plus we both work. In her defense, she's tired by the time bedtime rolls around, thus her suggestion about during the day. And that would be okay if I felt she was into it rather than just placating me.

I feel like a complainer because I know that many have it worse. Plus, I'm in a mood where I'm painting a more negative picture...there are times when we are going along fine and she does provide physical affection of other sorts. But I just feel I need to address it now because it really did make me feel good to be lavished with so much female attention. Honestly, I felt better about our relationship before that happened and since have felt what is missing from my marriage. And why shouldn't we try to achieve the relationship and sexual experience that we desire? I know that the grass isn't necessarily greener elsewhere, but I just wish sometimes that her LL was PT.

So, besides just giving her time to initiate (and perhaps go down to once a month), any suggestions for getting her fire burning? I've really tried to figure out her LL and basically settle on them all except for PT. I just know what creates a negative effect....complaining (about anything).

Anyway, I appreciate your advice and telling me your own stories. I'll have to catch up on your threads.

Thanks

[cinemanymph]

Hi and welcome haustalavista,

Did your W show passion previously in your M?
Is there any circumstances in her life that may have an effect on her level of passion?
Does she consider kissing intimate?
Do you have children?

I know that it is tempting to bask in the attention of pretty young things. It is a slippery slope that you will regret sliding down.