Hi everyone, I was in Newcomers but I guess maybe I belong over here now. My H bailed out on our M at the beginning of July and then came back to me at the beginning of August only to say a month later that he wasn't sure he did the right thing.
Said he missed his independence and not having to answer to anyone and all this. First he wanted to get his own apartment for 2 mos but then realized that was not logical so he asked me to wait 2 mos for him to decide whether or not he wanted our M.
I went right back to DBing and it took about two weeks but he seems to be sort of slowly coming around again. I would love the input of others who are in the same boat or similar. Anyone? Is this normal to return and then go back to wanting out?
Ohhhh, that sounds familiar. I got the bomb last year in or around July and was asked to move out. I did in mid August. For the first time in my life I really started to take care of myself and WAW noticed. In September (late) we talked about getting back together (she invited me back). Two weeks later, she got cold feet. A month and a half later, the same thing happened - but the cold feet this time was because she had met someone else. Then began the journey to hell and back.
Looking back however, I saw that her cold feet of the fall of last year was because I would become needy and stop focusing on my GAL stuff. Sadly, I didn't get the DR book until late November and found this board (Newcomers) shortly thereafter.
I was able to bust my divorce - I'm home now (since end of May) but it is a constant work in process and I continue to employ DR/DB techniques...because *I* chose to become the person that *I* wanted to be. Don't get me wrong, Piecing is probably 3x harder than actually halting the divorce - but I think if you approach it right, it can be very rewarding.
So, I guess the advice I would give is that you continue to DB/DR. You make sure that you are GAL'g - it's important to make your WAH "miss" you - the constant phone calls you H has been making to you (I read your thread over in Newcomers) is evidence that he is missing you. I'd let a few of them go to voicemail. Set yourself some goals on ways that you know would make him realise he is losing the best thing in the world. That is what worked for me (and believe me, I'm way over simplifying).
Nonetheless, what you are doing seems to be working - stick with the program...
Hope that helps a little.
Erik
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Glad to see you busted your divorce. I wish all of us we're this lucky! Did your wife ever tell you that she didn't love you anymore and that she married you for the wrong reasons? My H told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. I have not seen my H in 3 months and haven't spoken to him in 2 months. I won't see him until mediation Oct.16th. I am trying to detach and go dark. He says he doesn't miss me at all. So I don't know if any of this will work. Please give me some advice as to what you did that worked and your W noticed. Thanks!
I am with Spikecharlie.I would like to know what you have done too. My H is out of the house trying to work on himself. But I am at a loss as to how to work on myself. i want him to miss me, but I am afraid that he will get down on himself worse because he will see that I can do it without him.
Thanx!
Kim
Me34
H39
married 10 yrs
S12
D8
D6
b/g twins 2
b/g twins 1
H had PA 5/06 ended it 8/06
Hi all, I'm visiting from the MLC and infidelity boards. My H and I are currently TRYING to piece things together, but it's not easy.
My H dropped the "i don't love you" bomb last Jan. Said there were problems with our M for years. Said that we've been "trying" to fix things for years and nothing changed (too bad I had no idea of this). He was cold and mean. He was a stranger. My H had died and some alter ego had emerged.
Turned out H had an OW. In Feb he moved in with her. As soon as I found out, i told him I wanted a D. 3 days later, he came home and wanted to work things out. 1 week later, he was gone again because he coulnd't give her up.
At this point, I caled a laywer and scheduled mediation. A month later we went to mediation. After mediation (which I didn't feel went particurlary well), I told H that I thought that he was lost. I told him that the person I knew was gone. I gave him the name of a C, which he took. Over the next month, our only discussions were regarding teh kids, and in many cases there were not nice discussions.
Slowly he started to come around. After about a month, he told me he wanted to starting seein a C. said he was going to get his own place here in town. Said he never loved OW and that I was the only one he ever loved, but that somewhere along the way, he lost his ability to feel. Within a few week, he wanted to come back again. Spend 8 hours telling me how it all happened and that he wanted to fix things.
Two weeks after that, I started to hear, "not sure if it will work". Then he went back to OW for a few days. Then back to me. That happened a few times throuohg the summer.
Currently, we are "together", but i have learned to keep my expectations very low. I am almost expecting him to leave again. The thing to remember is that our spouses really dont' know what they want. But if you stay strong (or make yourself strong), make a life for yourself, be a friend to your H, without seeming needy or too nice. Try to remember what drew him to you to begin with and start to show those things.
Most of all, you need to know that you can't control him or how he feels (i wish I coudl of my H, but i know i can't). You can only control you. Confidence is attractive. Be careful not to come across as needy. As the prvious poster said, I found that some of our setbacks and what sent my H runnign away was when I started getting too needy.
Hope this helps. My laptop battery is about to die, so i have to run. If you want to see my post, check out, What exactly is replay? on the MLC board.
