The lighting o' the lightbulbs

[OG_Lou]

Re cine
No, Lou, I think that you are more reflective.
So, maybe that "Women's Issues" class and those Co-Dependency books did some good. Just kidding around Cine.

I used to have my opinions and think what is wrong with some people. The soc/Psychology/communications classes and meeting men and women that had traumatic events take place in their lives, opened me up to different ways of thinking and to be able to see the different sides to people.

One class had 3 women that were raped, another class had 2 women whose H would let then talk to anyone unless the h was present, another class had 2 lesbians and 1 gay guy, and of course several guys in different classes with back, joint, and arm problems that caused them to lose jobs, along with a raft of recovering alcoholics and wheelchair users.

Everyone told their story in class, the coffee shop, or some one-on-one in the library doing research work. Then there was all the stuff I heard working at the group home. So, yes I had an opportunity to listen and maybe learn to be reflective and considerate.

H walks around all puffed up after a good number of our sexual encounters talking about how he "put the hurt" to me. It's as if he views it as a sporting event with at winner and a loser.
As in he wins, she loses???????? Is this what your H really wants, really feels. Are you sure he isn't just saying he performed a good sex act, one that you should find him hot/a good, like he is saying he is a skilled lover or he is a man that women want in bed.

about how he "put the hurt" to me Gee, I can't imagine that. I feel guilty that BB doesn't get as much out of sex as I do.

No, H will not read/talk to anyone about sexual abuse. It makes me suspect that he may have his own issues.
Some people don't want to look at the troubled side of life. Some people avoid widows widowers because they don't know what to do or say. I think Honeypot didn't want to touch hair in drains at one time.

My point is, some subjects are very uncomfortable to think about and discuss openly. Look at some of the posts that refer to genitals as "down there."

I have to get back to work cine. Just wanted to let you know you have support here on the forum.

Lou

[cinemanymph]

Lou,

I know that this isn't reflected in my posts, but people often feel compelled to tell me their deep dark secrets. I honor them by listening. Outside of danger to self or others, I don't discuss their revelations with others.

I went into social work. I felt if I could help other people, it would be good for them and it would heal a fundamental wound within me.

I put my studies on the back burner to raise my children. At some point, I do plan on going back into a helping career of some sort. Right now, my interest lies in massage therapy and providing cosmetic services to cancer patients.

Are you sure he isn't just saying he performed a good sex act, one that you should find him hot/a good, like he is saying he is a skilled lover or he is a man that women want in bed.

Thanks for this POV, Lou. You may be hitting paydirt here. Maybe H just doesn't possess the vocabulary to express this so it comes out "I put the hurt to you". I am planning on putting HPs suggestion into action and see what happens.

Some people avoid widows widowers because they don't know what to do or say.

You are right about this and have me wondering if this is actually the case with my H.

I want my heart to do backflips, and various other pleasant sensations happen when my H walks into the room. I just don't know how to make that happen. It's not a matter of getting something back that we once had, it's a matter of creating something that never existed.

Many thanks for your input, Lou.

[OG_Lou]

Re Cine Right now, my interest lies in massage therapy and providing cosmetic services to cancer patients.

That sounds like a good combination of interests.

I know when I was going to physical therapy in 1986, and getting some heat, physical therapy, and traction treatments, I found out the clients sort of spill their guts and talk about what is bothering them emotionally and physically.

One intern said she was surprised how much mental stress some people were in and that she was thinking a third of her job was helping the clients in a counseling mode, and two thirds of her job was physical therapy related.

If you go into massage therapy or the cancer fields, I am sure you will be told many personal and emotional things.

Sometimes, I felt the physical therapist was as important as a counselor, mostly by listening, as their job title skills.

I bet Lil heard several personal stories during some of her massage days.

Maybe H just doesn't possess the vocabulary to express this so it comes out "I put the hurt to you".
Cine, some people have their own or group type of vocabulary.

Our daughter's H has a Harley and within the group the wife is affectionately referred to as the "bit*h." As you know, this is usually a derogatory term in the general public.

It seem, in some motorcycle groups, being the bit*h and sitting behind the driver on the bit*h seat, means the couple is emotionally bonded and a pair. My daughter even refers to herself as playing the role of the bit*h and wanting to sit in the bit*h seat. Other times, she wants to drive her own motorcycle because she is one of these people that likes to drive as much as most men.

In your H's case, maybe he is saying he put the hurt on you means he thinks he has pride in his sexual skills. If he doesn't boink you the way you like to be boinked, then it is up to you to let him know if motion "A" is better or worse than motion "B."

I know I ask BB but usually only get an "I don't know" which doesn't help me much.

I want my heart to do back-flips, and various other pleasant sensations happen when my H walks into the room
Good goals but how about starting with the pleasant sensations on special occasions, and then build on those good feelings.

This is just one man's POV so take what works for you.

Were you doing some of the "Peace Between the Sheets" activities, or was that someone else?

If so, what part of the activities mean the most to you and why. I haven't read the book but get the general concept.

BB likes the back rubs w/o the sex. Sometimes I wonder if PBTS activities are moving us in the same direction or am I just a better H in BB's eyes but I am more frustrated and caving in to her wants, in my mind. Just wondering about how much PBTS is working for people.


Lou

[cinemanymph]

crazedmom,

You're welcome.

Does your H know about your feelings for your former flame?

Does he feel that your interest in him is genuine?

Do you feel like your H is worthy of the soul searching and self analysis it takes to repair the aftereffects of an EA?
I know how to feel that deep connection with another and want to replicate it, but I don't want the same relationship I had with my ex. I have a better sense of what relationships are and are not now. I don't feel the absolute fear of losing that love relationship. I know that I can live through it, and even gain some important insight from loss of a lover. I am ready to put myself out there again for my marriage and my family.

Best of luck to you and your H.

[cinemanymph]

You are further ahead than you think. The fact that you do not want to burden your H with your indescretion is a huge step in the right direction.

Is your C a solution oriented therapist? Does he/she give you "homework" to complete in between sessions? Are you required to follow up?