My husband and I are back together. Technically we were never really seperrated. He was in Iraq for a year and just got back a little over a week ago.
We had a huge falling out at the end of May. He was telling me about various friendships he had made with other females there. Then one day he calls me and tells me that he has been miserable in our marriage for the past five years. I kind of put two and two together and realized something wasn't right but he swore it wasn't someone else.
We went on with the divorce talk until late June when I luckily found this site. We then began to slowly reconcile with the help of his chaplain and the books and this site.
During this whole time he swore he wasn't involved with anyone else. Well, the day he flew back in I was checking our joint email account and was looking at an email he sent. Problem was he sent it to himself, not to me, I didn't know that at the time. It was email addresses that he fowarded so he wouldn't lose them. There were five or six women on the list but the one that caught my attention called herself (husband's last name) girl. Ex. Johnsonsgirl@yahoo.com.
Needless to say I was pissed and hurt. Husband called me a few hours later and I blasted him. He told me that she was the airforce girl he was talking to. I told him that he NEVER told me he was "talking" to anyone. Then he said that while we were talking about divorce he was talking to her about her moving to where he is stationed in January after she gets out of the Airforce. He's army so at least she isn't near by.
Then he tells me he only talked to her a couple of times and it wasn't serious. Then he says he didn't know that she made her email say that she was his girl. He saved the damn email address! How could he not notice that? Then he acted like he was pissed she did that and wanted to call her. I told him hell no, leave it alone. Then later I cornered him an asked him when was the last time he talked to her. He said he called her twice the week before. Once, he won't tell me what was said, the second was to tell her he was going to work things out with me. That's all fine and good but that was around the first of September, we have been reconciling since the end of July!
I don't know what to do. He says he is committed to our marriage and he says that he never cheated on me. He says that I'm right when I say we were never really seperated, but what would you call all of this? I call it an emotional affair!
I have decided that I want our marriage to work. I know that he made some mistakes in Iraq but I just want some answers, and the truth. I want to know why he did it and why did he let it last as long as he did? Am I wrong for wanting answers? How do I approach him with my questions without making him mad? How do I get the truth? I don't want to rock the boat because things are going so well right now but this is eating away at me.
Any advice will be appreciated. I'll take what ever anyone has to offer.
Quote: I have decided that I want our marriage to work
Okay.
Quote: I just want some answers, and the truth. I want to know why he did it and why did he let it last as long as he did? Am I wrong for wanting answers?
You aren't wrong, it's just that this part doesn't go with the part above. So if you want to reconcile in a real way, than the actions of asking for answers would be very unhelpful.
Don't ask for answers. If you can keep your composure, an announcement about how hard this is for you and you'll need time and space to learn how to deal with it may be in order.
And then do things for yourself. Bubble baths and bowling leagues and shoe shopping and long walks and dog parks and whatever else you can think of that you enjoy. Try to invite husband along but don't expect him to come. And don't be disappointed when he says no.
Please try to remember that the definition of an affair differs greatly between men and women. In general, to men it has to involve sex to be an affair, to women if it's an emotional connection it's an affair. So don't beat yourself or your husband up over the different definition.
Many people here recommend the book Not Just Friends for affair participants and betrayed spouses. I've never read it, but it might be worth a look.
