Many wise people on this list have stated that this time is a gift. It has been a year now for you since the bomb. What have you done during this time for you? It doesn't sound like her R with the BF will last long. She will hit bottom. You have survived your first year and the next will be better, if you let it.
I think they do think of the kids constantly and possibily us but the guilt and crazies are in the way of contacting. My H does ocassionally reach out to my DD. She ignores him though. He hurt her too much right now for her to forgive. Maybe someday but that is between them. (btw, she is 15 years old today!!! agghhh, - how did that happen and I am only 20 something - well in my mind ) Focus on you and the kids and have fun and enjoy them. It sounds like you had a great summer with them. I tend to think my H is dead and that makes it easier for me. Someday he will rise and then I will have to figure out what happens but until then I will enjoy my life.
OK, zen bookpusher going to go to party with F1 (at least board party - hangovers are easier to handle virtually...gotta bday party with DD in real life and have some fun today!!!
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
Things took a turn. MIL had us over for dinner and seen how unhappy the kids are. They told her that their mom never calls to see how they are. Seems MIL called XW and told her to contact kids. SHe did and it after she talked for just a couple minuets, it was like she pealed the scab off the wounds. TOld them that shes eventually getting married and that their will be just a small wedding with no bridesmades. Also said that she never got any pictures and that they should ask me if I even sent them. They did ask me and I did sent them. told them either they haven't gotten there yet, or BF found them first. Anyway. Im wondering if starting a R with MIL is a good idea. seems shes butting her nose in the situation again. I don't want to be a bad guy but it seems after all this time with no contact the wound was healing. NOW its wide open again. This situation sucks!! Im trying to be the only stable one hear and shes filling the heads with info they should not be hearing. My god, why tell them shes getting married?
Im trying to GAL with my girls and XW keeps pulling us back in emotional state. SHe called the girls after weeks of no contact and told them she and BF are tying the knot, wanted the girls to go to the wedding. Girls were devistated. They do not want to goand told her this. AFter the phone call I seen they were destroyed. I called her and told her she has to stop all contact and let these girls heal, she was moving too fast for them and its doing nothing but hurting them more. SHe told me to mind my own business and she'll do as she pleases. Told me I was putting all sorts of things in their heads and thats why they have nothing to do with her. Told me if I don't le them come to visit, she'll get a court order forcing them to go. I asked her if that was in the best interest for the kids and she replyed that she has rights to see her children. After so long, she keeps blaming me for everything. Is taking NO responsibility for her actions and feels everything is my fault.
I told her she was the one who abandon her kids, SHe blamed me for using the word abandon. I said these kids have their own minds and come to their own conclusions about issues concering her. SHe again blamed me for feeding negativity to these girls. I knew this was a losing battle and got off the phone. I can see i will get knowhere talking to her and told the kids that if they do not want to see her, that their is NO court that will force them. Its been 1 year since the bomb. She is still blaming me for everything. saying the same old things that she said in the begining. How long can I expect this to last? SHe has No idea what shes putting these kids through. They have to accept her decision and not question it. IS this right?
2 weeks since I called XW and told her not to contact girls. She hasn't. and things are somber with the girls, So many reminders of their mom and they are so heartbroken. Oldest asked me again what they did to be treated like this. I told them it's not them and that its her. She's living a fantasy life and all shes doing is thinking about her. They wanted to know why shes getting married. ITs been just a year since she hit me with the bomb. they feel shes moving too fast with all her decisions. Had No answer. All I could say is that shes being controled by BF, and he's pressuring her to do what he wants.
MIL is still trying to be apart of girls life, seems the guilt of what possision she took in this whole mess is getting to her, girls have some resentment towards her and are keeping her at a distance. Of course everyone is blaming me for this. Their not saying it. but I can tell, Body language. oldest D asked her how mom can get married right away after such a short time after the D. MIL told her that she got married after just 5 months of dating with grandpa. This woman is still backing her D. and the kids do not like it. Knowbody on that side is critisizing her for what shes done. They've all accepted it and are OK with what shes done to us. They all say there hear for the kids, But there actions do not show it.
Im trying to be stable for these girls. The emotions from them are overwhelming. Im still hurting and seeing them hurting is too much for one person to handle.
I wish, for 1 day XW could see what shes done. Feel what these girls are going through. Experience their pain. But since shes 1000 miles away and has No cantact with them. This will NEVER happen.
I think you will find that most parents will support whatever decisions their children make, no matter how wrong, bad, whoever it hurts, no matter what. I am facing a very similar situation, just have to live with it and move on.
Well. XW decided to call girls after a 3 week silence. Talk only about herself. 11 yr old told her she missed her and can't concentrate in school. said she's getting a tutor to help her. Xw told her shes has a better life now and girls should be happy for her. This is NOT what 11 yr old wanted to hear, here she was trying to tell her mother about her pain and problem and all mom could do is tell her shes better off.
16 yr old called her and gave her both barrels. told her how dare her tell her sister what she did and that she sould have her head examined. XW said maybe its a bad time and hung up on her. This put 16 yr in a frenzy. cursing up like a sailor, telling me mom is now dead to her.
Quite an emotional evening to say the least. How can I get this to stop?
I have tried over and over to explain to her that she does more damage than good when she calls and I get knowhere. Im tired of these girls minds being played with. They do not need this.
My W left 8 months ago, only seeing our son about once a month for lunch and give a few bucks to. My W was the foundation of our family and was the closest to our son as is usually the norm.
My son deals with this by not dealing with it and doesn't want to talk about it. He has met OM and HATES HIM.
My son has been in the hospital 3 times since she left, the last being critical condition in the ICU. She was there at the hospital during the week but when it came to the weekend, she told me she was tired and needed to get sleep. I found out through her girlfirend that W WENT HUNTING. No one can understand what the hell she is doing. I was so pi$$ed but restrained myself from confrontation.
She told me our son doesn't need her anymore. I told her "you don't see him everyday, you don't see the look on his face, the confusion he is going through". She won't accept any responsibility for her part in the devastation she has caused. I told her it is not all her fault but is a factor in what is going on.
My W admits to drinking everyday and can't live without anti-depressants. Says her life is great now. Go figure.
What person in their "right mind" would not be at their kids bedside, especailly one in ICU. I found out from her girlfriend things she confided to me of what my W has been doing that were truely shocking and disturbing.
If I was not living this MLC nightmare, I would not believe my own posts but unfortunately it is all true.
How can you get the madness and selfish behavior to stop-you can't. I have been told to tell my son that his mom is not well right now. I think they figure that out on their own. The kids frustration as well as ours comes from not being able to reach or help them. Logical thinking is out the window. The only advice I can give you is EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.
TC. I have been following your thread and I know what your going through, Are sits are so much alike that its scary. I too cannot believe that a woman could give up seeing their children, let alone being a part of their lives, But there is many of them like that from what I read.
My xw moves 1000 miles way to be with BF. She still contacts her MIL, who I was quite friendly to until she showed her true colors as far as who shes backing through this whole mess. My gilrs have also seen it and now have nothing to do with her.
One thing I did learn through this who ordeal is I cannot show my anger. It does absolutely NO good. My girls pick up on it and it confuses them. They need me to be strong and together for all of us and thats what they bank on. I know it'll pay off in the end, Heck I'm already seeing signs.
Another thing you MUST do is to LET HER GO! SHe's living in a fantasy world now and there is nothing you can do about it. She IS going to feel it later. When she wakes up from this and realise what she's done. It's going to rip her up inside so much, That the pain your feeling is nothing compared to what she's going to experience. Im starting to see this happen in my XW actions. She thought after she left and established her new life, the girls will see this and leave me to be with her. This tatic has totally BACKFIRED on her and now she's scrambling. But it's too late. The girls have seen through her lies and smokescreen and have nothing to do with her. Told her not to call anymore. Even told Grandma to tell her not to contact them, This, of course Pissed off Grandma to where she told the girls that because MOm is sending 1000 month Child support, she has every right to contact them, They returned with even though shes sending money, She has NO right in treating them the way she has. And they both have no right blaming me for everything. That that excuse is getting old and they need to look inside. This came from a 16 yr old to her Grandma. Quite insitefull for her age, Don't you think?
What Im trying to say is be the best Dad you can be for your kids. They need you right now to be as strong as you can be. If you feel the anger building up. Do what I did, Go out and buy a punching bag. Im on my second because I beat the SH!! out of the first one. It's great therapy and YOU WILL feel better.
Good luck. I keep looking at your posts and wishing you the best.
(Journeling) I have heard the Xw has gained alot of weight. When we were together. she was always self-counsious about her weight. Affter mentioning this to the person she gave me this info. They said that people who are depressed do gain weight.
Good to see you doing so well. A year ago you were nothing but a ball of anger. It's good for you to take care of your girls, but take care of yourself too.
Regarding the weight thing. I think gaining/losing too much weight is never a good sign. I know when I was most depressed about my M I pretty much stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. On the other hand, my H definitely gained quite a bit of weight during that same time period. So I guess it depends on the person and how you respond to stress.
- well in my mind 
) Focus on you and the kids and have fun and enjoy them. It sounds like you had a great summer with them. I tend to think my H is dead and that makes it easier for me. Someday he will rise and then I will have to figure out what happens but until then I will enjoy my life.