Moving Forward

[FA]

Hey Monica...been awhile since I posted something to your thread. I just skimmed through this and it seems like he is just constantly backsliding on his *responsibilities. To me...it looks like you just need to brain dump him if possible and stop trying so hard to either please him or so compassion towards him...doesn't look like he is worth it right now. Focusing on tomorrow WITHOUT him and acting like you don't have a time constaint from him will more than likely relax you a little. I myself am trying to be consistant on NOT worrying about my XW and what she will think when she makes her GRAND once-a-week appearance here at the house.

Time to move forward like he doesn't exist, because obviously YOU don't exist to him...

Just my 2 cents worth.

[maf]

Hi MonicaP

S4 is in his room by 8pm, latest 8:30pm, but often doesn't really settle down 'til 9pm. Once he's asleep I make my phonecalls, do bills, watch t.v., get online, etc. I also take my shower in the evening (around 11:30pm) so I'm in bed by midnight and up at 6:15am. Definitely not enough rest. It just seems to be the way it is these days.

Boy I wish I could get S3 on this schedule. I have insisted to H that he needs to stay until S3 is down for the night because I am not getting any results. So what does he do. Tells him go to bed which S3 does, but S3 immediately comes out of his room when H leaves. Ow has said that she would never be a hindrance to H spending time with S3 because she comes from a close family and knows how important family is (what a crock of sh*t. You took him from S3?!?!?). But I guess H does not hang around because he does not want to be there. He wants to get home to spend QT with Ow. (H has said that he is only around because of S3).

When I send S3 to bed, the crying gets on my nerves so much (understandable under the circumstances, I never planned on being a sinlge parent and in all honestly have no interest in doing it while H is out enjoying the single life) that I leave him until he goes down on his own (not good I know!?!?), usually by 10pm. Then, I have to be up, make breakfast and lunch for S3 and ready to walk out the door when H comes to get me at 6:15am. Now if that is not a heck of a schedule.

I have told H that if I have to stay up late to deal with S3 he would have to do breakfast and lunch so that I can get some decent sleep. So, then I get a call from S3's school saying that he does not have enough lunch and he is hungry. WTF??? And they think that they are such perfect fathers. But of course their leaving proves otherwise doesn't it? Running away does not solve any problems. But ironically they never tell you about your problems until after the A has begun.

I feel so empathetic with you. I often feel that my marriage is over and there is no hope of reconciliation. But, as FarAway says H does not have us on their mind.

I thought it interesting H's comment abount S4 knowing his REAL life not what you would like it to be. In a way that is fine but when you are trying to teach your children values and morals YOUR REALITY is that you don't want them to see daddy with Ow if you are not divorced yet. In our society it is wrong. Even the law says that; you can get a D for adultery and polygamy is illegal. That says it all.

The other reality is that you lead by example you can not tell your children that something is wrong and then do it and expect them to understand.

I applaud you if you are okay with S4 meeting Ow after you have. I am adamant about that not happening because she does not stand for anything that I uphold. Unfortunately neither does H but S3 can't escape the fact that H is his father. But she is nothing to him, and trust me she feels the same way because if she did she would not be involved with his still married father.

If you feel comfortable with S4 interacting with Ow, more power to you. I do not trust H's Ow one bit. And if nothing else I would KILL for S3. If we do D I may have to change my stance on that because I guess I would have no right to prevent it but until then... hell would have to freeze over before I let Ow pretend that she H and S3 are some perfect little family.

He has no idea how much I deal with and how much his leaving impacts S4. He just seems to want to pretend that it's all ok and we can easily share custody, everybody's happy.

Oh, I also told him that I feel so much anger from him and I don't deserve it. I am tired of being blamed and made out to be the bad guy. It's nuts. He cheats on me, leaves our family, barely participates in S4's life for the past year, and expects me to just say "oh sure, it's totally understandable".

Oh this is all so familiar.

As I said earlier they are totally delusionsal if any of them think that they can get a divorce because of A and live happily ever after with Ow like the Brady Bunch after the destruction that they have left behind.

Our marriage is over and that I was moving toward happiness again.

There is nothing like verbalizing your feelings and setting a goal. At least you have a jumping off point which is more than I can say. Hang in there. All is not lost. It is not over til the fat lady sings.

maf

[mommyhurting]

Hi, I have been reading through your sitch and I am pissed at your H right now... Sorry, but I am... If my H pulled some of the crap that your is --- well shoot, who am I kidding I would still want him back, but I would be really mad at him...

He absolutely is taking no responsibility for S4 and that makes me really mad... The schedule thing is sooo important that not only have I spoken to my H about it, but I have spoken to his parents about it too. I have DD18months on an awesome schedule and if anyone messes it up, they are going to hear it from me... I worked my butt off to get her where she takes her nap - same time every day and bedtime, same time every night with no fighting about it... I must say, once I explained to my H why it is so important, he really was cooperative and so have his parents...

Ow is an as*hole. They all are. She doesn't have a kid and a closeknit family is not going to ever allow her to understand how important raising a wellrounded child is... No one without a child can know this, I am sorry... She is a selfish bitc*... And ignorant to boot...

Sorry I am so mad, but this just takes the cake. Yeah, my H left me. he is not living with any Ow, but they are still "friends" which I cannot stand... And I totally agree that until divorced, children should not meet Ow.. Even though my H said they were just freinds I said, no way do I want Mia to meet that whore... Sorry, but that is exactly how I feel.

I cannot express my opinions to you because they will sound like all my friends sound - leave the fuc*er... But I can't say any of that cuz I haven't left my own fuc*er... I know what you are going through except my H does not live with Ow, and they rarely see one another cuz she lives in whitetrashville...

Sorry - you got me going there... Chin up... You will get through this. It sucks though, doesn't it...

[MonicaP]

Hi FarAway, Maf, & Mommyhurting...

I appreciate all of your responses and can identify with so much of what you all shared.

Yes, my H's behaviour is absolutely insensitive and immature (to put it mildly). I really believe that in many ways he has lost touch with reality, at least in comparison to the guy I married. The guy I married said "having a family is the greatest achievement one can have". He adored his newborn son, stayed up for the 2am feeding, carried him in the baby bjorn, massaged my feet, cooked for me, was silly & fun, liked to talk for hours about whatever was happening in our lives or plans for the future, made homemade Valentine cards, worked on a scrapbook of our R with me, hosted parties with me, listened when I was feeling down, enjoyed taking drives or walks and just being together.

In the 7 years leading up to this never once did I imagine he would ever leave me for another woman, let alone want to be out of our marriage. We were the couple that friends and family thought were so great together and were so "healthy". We communicated, we supported one another, we "truly" loved being together.

So what happened? That is the question that haunts me and tortures me. Faraway - you're right - time to let go and move forward WITHOUT him, and without asking this question anymore. I have analyzed this to death and nothing has changed. I KNOW my H is going through some identity crisis, depression, maybe even something more serious, but no matter what it is I can't change it. And he doesn't want me in his life anymore.

It is f'ing painful, for sure, but it has become more manageable. I'm not "done" yet in the sense that it will take a while - maybe even years - to truly accept at the deepest level that our marriage had to end. But for the sake of my sanity and sense of self-worth, and for my S4's well-being, it's time to LET GO.

Maf, if I could control whether or not S4 met Ow I would - OF COURSE - keep her the hell out of my S's life! The thought of her makes me ill and the thought of having to see her in person, learn her name, and actually "accept" her as someone who might be in my S's life is about as painful as it gets. I would like nothing more than to tell her what I think of her, but I know I have to think it through. I don't want S4 to end up in the middle where he might feel guilty for liking her (ugh!) or feel afraid to share things with me. For his sake I need to show him that I "know" her and that he is safe. Unless I have evidence otherwise, I can't really do much to keep her out.

Mommyhurting, I don't know if H is living w/ Ow. He rents a room out of a large house and she (supposedly) shares an apt w/ a friend in the city. There have actually been a couple of times when I encouraged him to live with her to save money (so he could pay me) and he said he wouldn't choose that. Well, that was months ago so who knows now, but S4 has been to his place and never mentions anything. Who knows.

I am going to try and go to family court on Friday to start the legal separation process, I'm sorry I waited so long.

Meanwhile he was a "no show' tonight. He doesn't normally come on Wed's but said he might since he missed yesterday. No call, no email, no nothing until I got home at 5:30pm and he had left a mssg saying he'd be over tomorrow. Later on S4 became sad and said he wanted his daddy. I asked him if he'd like to draw daddy a picture or write him a card, or call him. He asked me to call him. I asked him what he wanted me to say and with tears he said "I want my daddy". So, I did. H called later and immediately asked for S4 who wouldn't get on the phone. I got back on and H basically hung up on me. Nice!

He has actually gotten worse over the year rather than better. I think that whatever is going on with him is deep and has nothing to do with me. He'd like to blame me and our R for his current troubles, or blame me for actually not trusting and respecting him now, anything to avoid taking responsibility.

I've been thinking of writing his mom who lives in another country and doesn't speak English. I can write in her language to an extent, but I do have someone (H's cousin) who can translate for me. I feel like she would want to know what's going on with her son, if for no other reason than to give him real support. H certainly isn't telling her the whole story and in turn he feels unloved.

What do you guys think? Should I write my mother-in-law and share with her the fact that he has not been reliable and that I'm worried about his health and well being??

I am so grateful to all of you for your support.

[jersting]

If you would feel beter doing this I think you should.
only my opinion

[FA]

Hey Monica...from past experience on this same thing....the *other* mom will side with her son/daughter...I know this. It is natural for them to feel this way. No matter how much info they get...it only stays bitter with them for a very short period of time. The letter to his Mom sounds nice, how you put it, but again....it probably won't make a difference...maybe piss him off if anything else.

See, the thing is is that MIL is not going to spank him and tell him to grow up.....that is the problem...that is what the idea behind sending her the letter is driven by. Truthfully....whether you want to admit it or not....no matter how much this hurts you, she can't do a damn thing to straighten him up.

It hurts....seems like there is nothing you can do....nobody to wake you up from this crap. It pisses me off just to have to type this out to you but like they say, the truth hurts and this hurts...all of it.

Blast of reality.......YOU are the bigger person here and this action that he is goping through is his problem....ultimately drawing you in too......

Time to be strong Monica...slap in his face may just have to be papers.....

Anyone else???

[cat03]

I think that whatever is going on with him is deep and has nothing to do with me. He'd like to blame me and our R for his current troubles, or blame me for actually not trusting and respecting him now, anything to avoid taking responsibility.

Yes, remember that everytime you wonder how your M took this turn, he is in true denial and at this point it is his disatisfaction w/life and not /w you that make him act the way he's been acting. I used to ask questions to my H and he'd answer me and I got unexpected answers, to what he'd say (without being mean) "it wasnt' all about you, I wanted to live the way I used to"(apparently there is a good deal of not-so-good stuff that I don't know from his past.

About his mom, I'd say something but not the whole thing, just mention he isn't feeling good and stuff, the poor lady will feel powerless and won't be able to do much from far away, but he does need to talk to othe people and have some support, it sounds like he is very depressed.

[maf]

Hi Monica/FarAway/cat03/mommyhurting

Yes, my H's behaviour is absolutely insensitive and immature (to put it mildly). I really believe that in many ways he has lost touch with reality, at least in comparison to the guy I married. The guy I married said "having a family is the greatest achievement one can have". He adored his newborn son, stayed up for the 2am feeding, carried him in the baby bjorn, massaged my feet, cooked for me, was silly & fun, liked to talk for hours about whatever was happening in our lives or plans for the future, made homemade Valentine cards, worked on a scrapbook of our R with me, hosted parties with me, listened when I was feeling down, enjoyed taking drives or walks and just being together.
In the 7 years leading up to this never once did I imagine he would ever leave me for another woman, let alone want to be out of our marriage. We were the couple that friends and family thought were so great together and were so "healthy". We communicated, we supported one another, we "truly" loved being together.
So what happened? That is the question that haunts me and tortures me.

Again I can fully identify. In fact, my MIL (who I am VERY close to, treats me like a daughter even closer in some cases is still supporting me and my no divorce stance 3 years later) still does not believe the stuff I tell her, but she has been so supportive so I am lucky. H won't even mention Ow to her. Monica, base how much you say on your relationship with her. MIL knows almost everything and does not like it one bit. Has tried to talk to H who refuses to even acknowledge anything. Unfortunately, what FarAway said is so true they can't stop them so don't expect more than support for you if that even

H pulled the same crap again last night coming over to suposedly put S3 to bed and then 2 hours later (midnight) when he still had not nodded off put him in my bed and walked out. Swearing at me that I am the one preventing S3 from going to bed and letting him "rule me". But you didn't accomplish it either?!?!?

This am H wakes me to make S3 breakfast before I leave at 6:15am.

As I was making B I commented on needing to be more in tune with being a single mom. H says let it be my reality. I say it is all a state of mind. H then answers it will be more than that soon enough (I guess he is planing to file. Pressure must be incredible at this point). Wonder what grounds? Maybe he'll pay someone to say that I've been having an affair or I've been beating him and take pictures of his abused body or say that I have deserted him (2-year separation, but noone knows we don't live together) or that we have been legally separated for five years (negated by the fact that we have a S3). As I said to him I can't wait.

Spoke to my mother's helper this am who is very upset at how H talks to S3. Commented on how his demeanour is so tense and unhappy (ummm trouble in paradise?!?!). She says she will not come in the mornings until he leaves to take S3 to preschool because she resents the treatment he gets from H. She has talked to him but to no avail. She also told me that H has brough his uniform from Mon & Tues and hidden it in my dirty sheets? (umm wonder what is going on there?) Ow where he lives has washer and dryer at her house (I don't). Why bring them to my house and hide them? The fog, the fog.

I think that whatever is going on with him is deep and has nothing to do with me. He'd like to blame me and our R for his current troubles, or blame me for actually not trusting and respecting him now, anything to avoid taking responsibility.

As I said, the fog, the fog.

This is the same in my sitch. Though it has been almost three years for me. How time flies when you are having fun.

I have told H that after we get in at the end of the day Iwant him to leave immediately if he is so unhappy in my presence and since he does not pull his weight with S3 anyway, what is the point of hanging around pretending to be the perfect father when you are actually totally miserable. Go where you want to be, where you are under the delusion that you are happy. Let Ow cook dinner and breakfast for you every day. See how much it won't happen and if it does how short it would last.

Monica:

The support is mutual. Thank you too.


maf

[mommyhurting]

Monica - what was/is your H's relationship like with his own dad??? Did his dad cheat?? I only ask b/c my Hs dad did cheat and was never there for my H and he resents it tremendously, but is trying very hard to make up for his own fathers mistakes...

One thing I don't think my H realizes, is that, not only do we need a provider, we want him emotionally too... Maybe that is just difficult for men...

Was just thinking about your H and why he is behaving this way, and why, when his own son didn't want to talk with him did he hang up. Doesn't seem right, if you ask me... I think he may be feeling the pain b/c he is now seeing how badly this is affecting S4...

These are guesses and opinions, but children can bring grown men to their knees, and it seems your H is resisting it... That makes me sad, but also very curious as to why he is being an as*hole about it all.... Is he blaming you for a lot of stuff??? Cuz if he is that kind of guy, then he may just assume that you are brainwashing S4 against him and that is why he hung up == again - a guess. but I am just speculating...

Sorry - I have rambled... I hope you are doing okay... I hate this for all of us...

Ali

[honeyboo]

Hi Monica,
since I found out we are neighbors I thought I would come over and check out your thread. My H also had an OW, kinda funny story really. He met her online and started an online affair with her or maybe she started it who knows...anyhow she lives in England and he made all these plans to go see her and stay with her for however long. He bougt a plane ticket and flew to England and they deported him because he didn't have a visa and no return ticket. So he came back home tried to get a visa and the British embasy denied it. So he can never see her, she has 7 kids and can't come here. Well on the day his visa was denied he blocked her on his messenger, and reported her emails as spam. The next day he decided that he was still in love with me???????? Way too fast!!!!! This all happened about 2 weeks ago. Things have been going very good between us but, I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Anyhow karma has a wonderful way of getting back at the WAS. Oh and even better he dumped her on a public fourm on the online game that he met her on, so everybody was able to read about her getting dumped. I know this because I found an email from her in our joint email in the spam folder. I'm still thinking about sending the British Embasy a Thank You note. where in the Bay Area are you? I'm in San Leandro. Take care.