My WAW still won't acknowledge she had/is having an EA after a years time let alone feel remorse. She says she isn't visiting/talking/writing to him anymore, but I have no way of knowing and don't care as much to know as I did in the past. I don't, but could hold proof up to her and she would still pretend it wasn't an affair. It would be the "we're just friends" line over and over and over again. The only reason it can't be physical at this point is because the om is in prison. I don't think She wants to face the reality of it just yet.
I wouldn't look for any verbal apologies even if she did start feeling remorse. If you read the situations over in the piecing link, most don't verbally acknowledge their indiscretion and the LBS shouldn't push the issue if they want reconciliation or just want to be civil for the kid's sake. I personally don't breach the subject anymore because I want this all to be transparent to my young S6 and S13. I don't want them to know their Mother is loosing her mind and is visiting another Man in prison.
I know it sucks, but She's not thinking of anyone but herself right now.
It was easier for me to accept when I finally let go of the notion that I was the victim and just came to the realization that she was in some kind of fantasy coma of sorts and nothing anyone did or said was going to change that.
I thought my patients should have been exhausted by now, but there are posters on here who have been at it for years. I'm not as patient and strong as some of them are, but it gives you a sense of how long this could go on. Don't let it drive you crazy.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Calm down. Take the focus off what she is doing. You're probably going to be roommates for a while, her choice, but wanting to stay married to her, you will have to play that game.
If your M was so bad that she feared for her life and her D's life...she would have been long gone. The advantage to her staying b/c of your D, does allow you the time to change yourself and observe her. It does not mean that she will automatically fall back in love with you or even owes that to you.
You have two choices:
1. Accept it for now - start DBing right now, with every fiber in your being. You want this to work? Then follow DB. That means now...let that "inner child" within you that causes you to keep playing the same things over and over in your head, a good smack on the face. It's just a temper tantrum; but it causes you to focus on the negative - instead of the positive. Thus, you become mentally paralyzed and cannot move forward and create the action that is needed to correct the problems in your M (Whew!!).
An A is a symptom of problems in your M that you both caused. Simple as that. Just like, tingling of the arms or hands are a symptom of a possible sroke or heartattack.
You don't just focus on the symptoms, you go to a doctor to find out what is causing them. That is DBing. But yet, most of the people here, wallow in their pain, too long, they become unable to do anything about it. The pain, then, becomes worse; they start to do all the wrong things, just to get a reaction.
Action forces reaction. You want the marriage back - then change yourself - work on everything that lacked in the M.
Now before I get 90 people complaining that I'm making the A to be trite; let it be known, that I don't condone it - nor do I feel as if it's the end of the world. It's a red flag, that says, urgent - time to change the path we're on - or else it will be the end. That is a valuable tool to have. People get D everyday. Your S's either told you, you figured it out, or someone told you.
Now - what are you going to do? You change it. I gave myself three weeks to feel: guilty, sad, embarassed, low down, crying, screaming, shouting. I did not like what I saw. So I got the books, cd's, everything I could get my hands on, to get out of the hole. It's called self-preser- vation. It wasn't do anything to my sitch by acting that way - the only thing I could change was me.
2. Divorce her.
Does this make sense? She's there, work on you and the problems that exist in your M. Things have a way of working themselves out, once you focus on you and you alone.
Btw, she's there, meaning, she's willing to try, but she won't admit that to you. Don't ask either. Just believe that she's doing it for her D...but she still isn't totally sure the M is over.
Now work on you...leave her alone...be upbeat, helpful, kind and considerate...don't push her.
Get out of the negative state you're in...try being positive; remember, she could have left a long time ago.
Quote: Just curious if there are any women here who have been the ones who cheated?
sure isn't something I want to claim and I never, ever thought I would but I did. I think for some of the same reasons as you. I felt in my husbands' eyes, that I was probably the lowest thing for him to consider in his day to day life. Not important to him......KWIM?
To top it off, he was doing a "good" thing by being up front and honest with me but I don't know how many times I heard about the women at work and how they were hitting on him and of course was expected to be calm, etc.
He was going through a semi MLC I think - going out a LOT again, and once again, women hitting on him and him telling me all about it.....
and me, sitting at home, taking care of our D, running and losing weight, him getting jealous and not complementing me, but instead berating me basically because I HAD to be doing it for someone besides him.......how about me?
And so there's our nasty story - one I can't talk to ANYONE about in real life - which BTW also sucks
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
If she is still home, she is there because she wants to be. She may not admit she wants it to work, but she is willing to see what you have to offer. Unfortunately, she may be comparing you and him during this time period. I know I did.
Taking it Day by Day. There's gotta be a light at the end of this dark tunnel.
She won't be in your bed or your arms until she feels that you have changed the direction that the M was going. Sex stops first, then it's the last to get on board. By this, I mean, true compassionate, loving sex - not the physical need.
The fact she's there is in your favor - now take the ball and run with it. You don't know how long this window of opportunity will be open...work on you - stop focusing on what she does or doesn't do - that's the inner child again wanting your needs met.
Worry about what you can do about pleasing, comforting, helping and generally making her feel good about why she married you in the first place...
