If you don't mind my asking, how would you suggest I respond to this kind of stuff I'm getting from my wife (who cheated on me for 3 years with the same OM and was planning on divorcing me, breaking up our family--we have two sons, 14 and 10--and marrying the OM).
My W's general statements to me:
"I haven't felt anything for you for several years. I wanted to leave you and be OM's wife. I'm only ending it with him and staying because I believe it's the right thing to do, morally and for the children, but I'd rather be with him. I do care for you, but more as a generic family member than as a husband."
I mean, did you ever feel like you quit loving your H...and besides from just being a good husband and giving her space, with no pressure, what do you think I should do about her?
FWIW, she dropped that bomb on July 8, so I've been about two months in this sitch.
When I got tangled up in the lie that was my adulterous affair, I definitely thought I did not love my husband anymore.
Had I, I wouldn't have ended up cheating on him in the first place.
The deception starts long before the OM actually enters the picture...
I am torn as to how to answer your question...
On one hand, I'm inclined to tell you to let all that she says roll right off of your back (which will be hard, to say the least) but on the other hand (and I lean more towards this) I want to tell you to tell her to carry her ass on up the road but not to think for one second that she's taking the kids with her.
That's just me talking though .
Now, for the DB answer, which is what you want, I would refer you to Frank_D's old threads (he's in Piecing now)...but due to the length of time your wife's affair has been going on, I am not sure of your level of tolerance....
Straight up....you can beat that SOB at his own game, but you REALLY have to have the stomach for it.
So DB your ass off, DON'T try to be her friend, GAL and spend lots of quality time having fun with the kids.
Above all else, smile, smile, SMILE!
Odds are the longer she's in the house with you and you are not causing her any stress...the OM will be..because he'll hate the she's there with you every night.
And that'll just make you look better and better .
A couple days after she dropped the bomb we had a minor but significant incident at which point I told her exactly that, if she was no good than I didn't want her and she could go off and do whatever she wanted. Then I asked for her minivan key, gave her my truck key, and told her I was moving back to our hometown with my sons so they could be with their grandparents if she was going to split us up.
That wasn't a ploy. I was serious. At that point I thought this was over with a capital O, she was just stringing me along while she made other plans, etc. She saw I was serious, and she made the decision to stay and work on it 100%.
I'll check on Frank's stuff. Thanks for the referral.
How did you begin to feel things for your H again...if you don't mind my asking, and how long did it take?
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Toughlover - I'm glad things are working out for you. I'm so sorry for you that your wife said those things to you.
For what it's worth, I love my H very much and loved him when I cheated. I was lonely, that's the one and only reason I cheated. I got tired of pissing my H off when I would try to kiss him spontaneously or hug on him and ask him for sex occasionally. My H is extremely addicted to his work, the stock market and pretty much anything else that can take time away from me. We work in the home together and see one another constantly but yet we don't sleep in the same bed together (never have), hardly ever kiss and just snuggle together on a regular basis, I get maybe a peck on the lips before bed each night along with a very loose hug, and we have sex 1-2 times per month at the most. I just felt ignored and neglected and that's what made me look elsewhere. If it hadn't been for our children being the most important to me then I probably would have left as well, not to be with the OM but to be on my own and figure out how to find someone who will show me the love and affection I so desperately crave. But I can't stand the thought of leaving my H because I do in fact love him very much. I just get lonely. I'm 35 and told I look 25 everyday. I get hit on all the time and flirted with but yet he never tells me I'm even the least bit pretty. It's very hard on me.
I've decided to stay here with my H in hopes that he will forgive me and we can get along again but I have no idea how I'll handle it if he gets even more distant from me. He was VERY distant "before" I cheated on him. If it gets worse than it was then I know I won't be happy again in the future and I'm afraid I'll cheat again.
Quote: I am one too. It hasnt been too long ago, and I am trying to turn things around. H doesnt know, and I am trying to change the me inside to a person who can be happy with herself. It is hard work.
I know how that feels. I hurt for myself and still can't stand to look at myself in the mirror some days more than others. I also hurt for my H so badly. I feel so sorry for him that I hurt him like I did.
I've cheated as well. The advantage is that she's still there, give her time - she decided to stay, her choice, if she was really that unhappy - believe me, she would not stay.
It's hard to figure that someone that young would have anything in common with the old geezer. Definitely sounds like the father figure attachment.
I also loved my H while I was with the Om. My A stopped when I told him (upon request).
She's sounds like she's going through withdrawal pains. If she keeps telling you those things you don't want to hear...tell her so - tell her to keep them to herself.
Good luck
P.S. Sometimes people don't always understand each other's sitchs, nor really read them, so you need to absorb what actually applies to your personal sitch and go from there...everyone has a similiar sitch, but the X factor is the S. There are a few I just ignore.....good luck!
I've cheated as well. The advantage is that she's still there, give her time - she decided to stay, her choice, if she was really that unhappy - believe me, she would not stay.
Number lady, or is it Numberlady, whatever. Give me an opinion based on your experience and the above quote.
Spouse announced affair in April, set to move in June after family vacation, on vacation announced she couldn't leave D7, didn't leave, announced desire to continue to "parent" with me but not "lovers" and has been home all along sleeping over one or two nights a week with OW. How lovely and what an ego boost. Sarcasm - my version of PMA - kidding
In the last 6 months I have heard lots of "I don't know what I want" etc. I have heard ILY. 'A' has been broken off by both parties more than once, only to be fanned back into flame after about 24hrs. Spouse living in spare bedroom.
I try to convince myself that if she wanted out she'd be gone. It just is harder than hell sometimes. In a talk a few weeks ago she even said "I'm not going anywhere". That seems to include our bed and my arms.
Speak oh wise one. Great Goddess of Numerology
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
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