I’ve never posted here, as I maintain my threads in “Separated”, but I need some input from all of you who are experiencing infidelity. Brief recap of my sitch:
Me 34 W 34 No kids Prior to bomb - married 7 months, together 6 1/2 years 4/12/06 - Bomb #1 (separation) 4/23/06 – W moved out 6/16/06 – Bomb #2 (W wants to “end things”; told her to file if that’s what she wants; W denied having an A) 8/12/06 – Pretty sure she is having an A and suspected she was all along 8/15/06 – Found out W quit her job (she was part-owner of a company) 8/24/06 – I filed for D 8/31/06 – Found her MySpace account (created on 3/3/06) and confirmed A in conjunction with other evidence I had gathered over the previous 5 months 9/1/06 – W was served with D papers
After many months of no progress or willingness from my W to try to reconcile and of suspecting that my W was involved with another man, I decided I needed to file for D. A week later, my A suspicions were confirmed through MySpace, Google searches, etc. In my state, a D can be finalized no sooner than 90 days after the defendant is served, which puts me at December 1. Anyway, I’m assuming that my W is going to want to deal with me to resolve property and other issues, and I want to be reasonable and to be able to negotiate with her in good faith. When that time comes, I feel that I need to confront her about her A so that we can clear the air and maybe develop a tiny bit of trust so that we can get this over without a lot of expense and pain. Basically, I want to tell my W that I know all about her A and about the OM, etc., but I want to give her the opportunity to come clean with me on her own (with a little persuasion from me). I feel that, if she continues to lie to me, I will not be able to negotiate with her in good faith, and she will have to just deal with my attorney. I’d prefer not to run up legal fees if we can reach an agreement on our own. I also would like to clear the air so that I can get a bit of closure in this horrible situation.
I’m looking for some advice from all of you who have gone through infidelity. I feel as though I need to do this for me. I’m not expecting any sort of breakthrough in my M. I feel that hearing the truth from her will help me (and perhaps her) to heal from this experience and move on with a little less of a bad taste in my mouth. On the other hand, I do realize that she could continue to lie and deny, but at this point, I don’t think that would do either of us any good. Thoughts?
I am not sure what you are gaining by putting the A on the table? The M sounds over regardless...IMO you are just going to bring up something where she is going to feel blamed and angry that you are snooping. As far as she is concerned she probably thinks she has legitimate reasons for the A. No doubt it might make you feel better to fire a few shells at her but what does it gain you...It can only make the divorce process more difficult and her less cooperative if she is feeling attacked.
IMO opinion better off playing nice for now and trying to divorce as amicably as possible...once all that is done you can let her have it with no recourse.
Just my opinion...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
I agree with SR. I can't see anything to be gained here by confronting or demanding honesty. What is done is done. It's over. If you do want to DB to regain your W then I wouldn't even go there. She'll spill the beans when she feels ready. Don't twist a need for revenge into a fantasy about an honorable parting of ways. To be screwed around on is the most horribly painful experience one S can lay on another. To want some kind of explanation or to inflict some kind of retribution is an understandable feeling. Don't bother. Bottom line is something was missing from your M and your W went out to find it somewhere else. Was she wrong to do so, damn right! But its done, finito. Let it rest in peace.
Thanks, guys. I have no intention of DBing to try to regain my W. We don't have any kids, and I'd just as soon move on with a fresh start rather than try to work through all of her lies and deception, not to mention her core problems that she ignores. My motive for confronting her is not revenge, nor is it to get an explanation. I'm a businessman, and I would never negotiate with someone like her, much less do business with her. I can't do business with someone I don't trust, and a D is a business transaction. You're both right in that confronting her will probably do me no good, because she'll probably just continue to lie. I guess I'll just have to let my attorney handle it for me, and if it has to go to court, so be it. I suppose it will be worth the expense not to have to deal with her ever again.
