I realize this is probably too negative for Piecing, but even though my W and I are committed to working this out, some days I just look at her, knowing everything she's done, all the years of lies and the bizarre thinking behind it, her willingness to risk the love and respect of her parents and family, the well-being of her kids, and even what was in her own best interest and self-respect just to be with the OM "for the rest of her life" ... I just look at her some days and think, "What a friggin' nutjob"
I don't mean to be ugly about it. I have forgiven her. I treat her better than ever...really, much better than she (or any of us probably) truly deserve, but still, I can't help but wonder about someone who'd do all that and convince herself it was OK.
We're talking serious mental gymnastics.
I mean, after a while I get myself all worked up about how I'm not getting what I want from W, then I think, "Yeah, but look at the kind of person she's been. Do you really want it from her?"
It's a dilemma.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I hear ya! There are times I feel the same way, wondering what H was thinking, and then saying to myself, "he obviously wasn't thinking, he was just feeling", and OW made him feel good at that time. He obviously hadn't quite got the notion that we need to feel good about ourselves from within - no-one can make you happy, or make you feel good, when you are screwing your family. I remember asking him once if he thought he may've been insane, or something. He said, maybe he was. Ugh!
Good point you brought up!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I do have my moments yes, of thinking "what I'm getting myself into, I could have someone normal" but I have to move on to a more positive way of thinking, less my unhappiness shows and I destroy all I've worked for so far.
I do shake my head remembering all the outings and stuff he did for OW, then I realize he was pathetic, trying to sort of "buy" her love when she wouldn't even let him call her "girlfriend" (she must've been "something" else alright)
Don't dwell too much on it, I firmly believe in brain thought patterns, you are leading your brain into this thought path that isnt' good, divert those thoughts onto something more positive, chalk her behavior to idiocy, anything, dont' let it drag you down tl.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
That has truly been the hardest thing for me. Not letting the negative thoughts bring me down. It's tough as hell. But this is about us, gotta remember that.
Sadly, I think of my whole family as a train wreck. The worst part has been how this has affected my kids. Particularly the youngest one. I have to say, be glad she didn't move out and your kids had to shlep from one household to another every other weekend. This has been the absolute worst part of all this for me. I never dreamed I'd have to put my children through this....
But like Cat says, you have to watch mindset and thinking. When bad things happen I think we have to try to look at it in a positive light. It's an opportunity for growth and learning. We have to pick up all the pieces and use a much stronger glue for rebuilding.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You're all right. I do have a tough time keeping my head above water on this. It's just so sad.
Just yesterday, we were having a conversation and (like I always have) I'd occasionally address her as "honey" or "baby", and she finally says, "I'd really prefer you didn't call me 'baby' and 'honey'."
I mean, she'll ML, but she won't say "I love you" and won't kiss me. She'll kiss me hello and goodbye, but would rather me not call her by affectionate names???
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I think it takes time, they still have alot of crap in their heads to deal with. I was told that their guilt gets to them at times and the fact that we waited for them, forgave them and took them back... This too shall pass. Just keep loving her!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I feel the same about my S as well. He constantly tells me that he is crazy. In his mind he believed that he wanted to have an A just for the sake of having one and then when it started to get intense he became confused. Still wondering what he was confused about. He says he is a "self-fulfilling prophecy"- his parents divorced when he was quite young and he was raised my a mother who is now working on her 3rd divorce. It really boggles the mind-can't waste the time and energy to figure it all out!
