haha funny. yeah that's what I hear "he made a mistake". they sure didn't think that when they bought us the ring and asked us to marry them? we didn't put a gun to thier head and tell them to do it! It's called "marriage was getting too hard and I have a lack of committment". I'm going to the mediation. I'm going to look good and let him see me ...that he doesn't get to me. I think I have to go anyway. I have no idea how they get to this point. crying and bawling at the wedding ...to saying I don't won't this anymore. What is wrong with these people?
You both married each other, if you didn't want to marry him; it was your choice to say no. It takes two to cause this D. That means that your (our) neglect of the R was 50% of the problem.
Don't put ALL the blame on him; b/c if he would stop the D, you would take him back.
Blaming him totally lets us take off the 50% responsibilty we contributed to it. We have to learn from our mistakes.
I agree that we have a responsibility for the problems in our marriage. I will not take any of the blame for the divorce. I didn't want it and I still don't. I wanted to marry him and I never wanted to not be married to him. I still would love to have us put our marriage together.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Okay...but can you stop D proceedings? If not, we can't control them...if they want out, we have to let them go. That doesn't mean you don't love him, or that you don't care; it means to let him go because you love him and you want him to be happy. It means that unfortunately they don't want to try to resolve the issues in the M. They rather move on. Let them go if they won't stay. But...don't waste your life waiting around hoping.
That will only turn you into an old, angry, unhappy woman. Life is too short - maybe, around the corner, someone is waiting for you. But if you hang on waiting, you won't notice the other person.
I'm not putting all the blame on him. I am putting the blame on him for not wanting to work on the marriage...and I'm putting the blame on him for wanting a divorce. I do not want a divorce-AT ALL. I believe anything is workable in a marriage and you can get through anything as long as you work at it. I put alot of blame on me too. I've reflected alot on what I did in the marriage and how I neglected alot of things that he needed. So I'm not saying it's all his fault. But it is HIS fault for wanting the D. I asked him to go to counseling and to try and save the marriage and he said No. And I don't believe in D....so the D is not my doings. Oh...I've reflected on what I did...and I see it clearly now, but he wouldn't give me the chance to save it and show him that I can improve and change. He just wanted out. So that to me is a quitter...and someone who does not fully understand the concept of "committment" and what marital vows are. Who's side are you on anyway???
I am on your side...but if he wants no part of working on the M...don't hold onto anger.
Anger is like acid - it starts to eat you up before it is even affects the other person. And b/c you start the anger, it hurts you more than him. Men just blow it off.
Think of karma, if you really do damage to someone, it comes around eventually to the person who did it........
your right! I know I'm working on my anger. It's tough...but I'm working on it. Anyway...how did you get to be so calm and ok with everything happening to you?? You seem confident and doing well. I wish I was at the point you are at. No matter what it seems that I cry everyday about me and H and it's been 6 months! When will this go away?
It will let go, when you let go. You're fighting it. You fear that you won't be able to survive w/o him. Yet, everyday - you get up and take care of yourself. Then, another day comes and so on....................
You're already surviving......the anger comes from thinking that you'll be lost w/o him. But yet, before you ever knew him...you were fine.
It reminds me of a T that told me if her H left her, she would miss him, but continue to go on w/ her life.
None of us wanted to get D...but as it is, if the H wants to walk...does that mean we are less of a person, damaged goods, or useless? No..............
I hear what you are saying about letting go. I have thought that I have let go several time and just when I start to feel good and look forward to my new life. Here comes H telling me he misses me or calling me honey or something like that to bring me right back to where I started. I, too, ask H to go to counseling even if it was IC. But he said there is nothing wrong with him. Then he said that he didn't want to go so that was it. I feel a bit like Spike in that H does not know what commitment means. When did it become Ok to walk out on your family because things are going like you thought they should. H is deep in MLC and the he is hurting the people he is so supposed to love most, his sons.
I am working on detachment and I know that it is a weakness of mine. I can't seem to let go of the fact that everyone around us thought we were the perfect couple. Many of our friends were deeply disturbed by our separation. Many of our friends are less than impressed with H's behavior and that hurts me, too. I will survive, I have survived much worse than this in my childhood. I have survived physical, emotional, and sexual abused at the hands of my own family. H was the person that taught me that I was a good person worthy of a healthy relationship and love. I know that his rejection shakes my feeling of being worthy of love more than most people. However, I know that I survived my childhood and I will survive this but it will be much harder for me to trust love in a new R.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
You still are a good person, you always will be........ Don't allow him to validate you or not. That you do for you.
Yes, it hurts...but it does get better. In time you will trust men again. Your H feels that D is the only answer. Mine did too.
Some men, not all, feel there is nothing we can do to make the marriage whole again. Some men don't want to work at anything.
Think about...is it easier to get a clean glass to drink from or take a dirty one and have to wash it and dry it before you drink from it? We live in a disposable century, it's just too easy to start fresh w/o any previous baggage. Some men think that way.........
