CE... I have never rejected him sexually, even when he had his affair 16 years ago! On the other hand about 4 months after he found out about my internet phase; he began rejecting me. (I DID NOT and have NEVER slept with another man but him since we have been married.)
He does say that my going on the internet made him question his ability to satisfy me though I have explained to him over and over that is not the case. (Except for the last two years we had an extremely active and satifying sexual relationship.) The internet was not about sex. It was about being lonely and I got caught up in the rush of an escapism world.
Lil, I respect your opinion. And of course on here I tell you all about the problems that are going on. I don't really elaborate on the things that go well. Maybe I should, but I don't really post on here, mostly just read, unless something is really bothering me and I'm stumped on how to deal with it.
And I agree that 'loving' someone is not always a reason to stick around. The issue is, my XH and I have been together for a long time. I have invested myself, my whole being into this relationship. I WILL NOT walk away because it's the cleaner, less stressful thing to do. I attempt to set deadlines for improvement. I get angry and put some distance between us so that I can see the picture clearly. It only reveals to me that just because we are 'both' going through a bumpy... and I mean Mt. Everest bumpy, time right now it is not a reason to quit!
In the long run, quitting would ease the turmoil. Sure. It wouldn't be easy. I would be devastated. But such is life. And I would survive. It is not MY answer, right now.
Call me tenatious but because he is going through his own emotional conflicts (I think it's a form of MLC) I can't give up on him. I guess I have hope. And faith. That his eyes will defog one day soon. He has shown signs of it in the last couple of months. On and off. I am not looking to change him. He was a great husband and father before. He is still a great father. As a husband/partner it comes and goes.
I really think what he hasn't considered is that I won't be here forever for him. That I will eventually hit the end of my rope and he won't be free to call me with his 'news' or his excitement over something. That I won't be there to nod in agreement when he bitches about his job or some other grievance.
I guess time will tell. I just want to have something non-threatening to tell him when he says I damaged his confidence. (I'm sure I did in my way. But his confidence was far from perfect before anything happened.)
WIL, Of course it's baloney that you are responsible for his confidence.
Lemme ask you this though: As it concerns his confidence, would you consider yourself part of the solution or part of the problem? Perhaps his idiotic words are nothing more than an immature way of crying for help. I think he has some other problems (enmeshed behavior, depending far too much on others' opinion of him, etc) but there is probably some validity to his complaint, as usually happens with marital disagreements.
Can you try to extract the kernel of truth and ignore the whining, passive way he went about phrasing it? What is his love language? Do you make attempts to speak it regularly?
If you are confident that you are not part of the problem, then chalk it up to whining and tell him that this convo is finished. And don't allow him to revisit it. Or, rather, don't participate if he attempts to revisit it. If, however, there are areas in which you tear him down, then for goodness' sakes, STOP! I read somewhere a while back the following question: Do you use your words to build a person up, or tear them down?
It him me like a ton of bricks. I am a person who likes to joke around but I realized that, somewhere along the way, I had begun to make my H the butt of my jokes instead of laughing *with* him. I was subtly-but-surely tearing him down. Benign tearing him down, sure, it was all in good fun, but the 'build him back up' part was utterly and completely missing. When I realized that he probably viewed me as someone who didn't think much of him, it hit me hard. I stopped then and there and started heaping on the praise. It had an immediate effect on him.
Quote: I am a person who likes to joke around but I realized that, somewhere along the way, I had begun to make my H the butt of my jokes instead of laughing *with* him. I was subtly-but-surely tearing him down. Benign tearing him down, sure, it was all in good fun, but the 'build him back up' part was utterly and completely missing.
You're ton of bricks shifted onto me! There are so many parts to our past (especially in the last 2 years) but this is one of them to be sure.
BEFORE I took a dive off the high springboard of sanity I was doing the same thing!! I realize now that I was 'joking around' alot... belittling him which would go along with my hostility at the time. I don't do that anymore. I do compliment and try to build him up constantly. I have seen some effects; and it seems like he is actually starting to believe me when I compliment him.
The thing is; I know that I hurt him and that's not something that you can put a time limit on to heal. I do still have guilt and know that I didn't HELP his self-confidence problem... but I do also know that I am not the 100% cause of it either.
I would give anything for a time machine and know what I know now; Know the lessons I've learned about myself. To go back to September of two years ago and take the other course. A course that would have brought us even closer together that we already were.
It's a wish that is not productive, I know.
I guess I'm feeling teary-eyed today... I opened a notepad this morning that I hadn't used in a long time. Inside; next to a list I'd made my XH had written 'H loves you'
