Actually, I think I need to stop doing so much complimenting and more validating. This afternoon I talked with her at lunch and really validated her feelings about this business venture. She needed someone to support her feelings about how to procede, and I did so - sincerely - and I also made it very clear that I wanted to contribute to this in any way I can. She is so convinced that I don't support her in anything, that all I give her are words, so this is the chance to prove that I do support her. The trouble really is that I can only do what she asks - it's her venture, her responsibility. It's uncharted territory for her, and I'm really excited that she's doing this.
She needs to truly feel that I have stopped wanting more from our relationship. So compliments should be kept at a minimum, right? Flattery means pursuit, in some way, even though she's really enjoying all the ego stroking she's getting from both sides. I think my hoping or maintaining the position, at least in her mind, of not giving up on the marriage has made her defensive. I made it clear that I know our marriage is over and that it didn't work, I just want something different in our new relationship than she does. This has helped her ease up a bit.
In the past we often talked about not being enemies, but it always seemed to degenerate into this sort of grudge match. She does get upset and act out when she doesn't get what she wants, so when I don't act in accord with her expectations she gets resentful and angry and I become her enemy. I don't really know how to get to the root of all of this, but I guess awareness and communication is essential. When I notice her being resentful, I'll ask why. I'll see if there's anything I can do to address it and move on. I won't assume anything, and I will do my best to prevent it from festering.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Could you please let me know where to look for the info on emotional affairs. I have heard they can be more detrimental than a physical affair if this true? What can I do to face my deomons and what am I up against? Do I just let time take its course and this will soon fade away? Thanks again
I don't think there's any way of determining how detrimental and affair is except to look at the specific situation as you try and solve the issues in the relationship. An affair is a symptom of problems in the relationship - it's detrimental to both parties in terms of desire to resolve the real issues, and it can do real damage to the relationship if both parties can't get over it and move on.
There is a good deal of information on this website and if you do a google search you will find countless articles, many of which conflict with others. You need to use your wisdom and intuition to help you take the kernels of truth from each that apply and overlook what doesn't. Similarly, you need to understand that no matter what you know, it won't change the situation. You won't be able to control the actions of another person. The DB method is built on the premise that both parties have to want to work at the relationship, and through changing ourselves wwe encourage the desire to work on the relationship in our WASs. This is where you have to face your demons. People don't like to change, and you have to work hard to get to the core of your issues. You may need a counselor (this is advisable because you're likely hurting because of the situation), but be sure that this counselor is on board with your goals for self improvement and how this intersects with your desire to save your marriage.
Notice I didn't say that this is how you intend to do so, because you need to acknowledge the need for lasting self improvement, and your changes have to be driven by your will to improve. This will improve your marital situation, but it is something you have to be dedicated to regardless of whether you are going to save your marriage.
Time does play a big part in this. In a lot of affair situations, the affair goes on undisclosed and ends on its own. Time is your friend, but don't just sit back and wait, live your life, love yourself.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
i dont think you need to stop complimenting her. you just need to change it up. throw her a curve ball. like if she is wearing a new outfit, tell her that looks nice it really brings out your eyes, smile and move on. dont wait for a response from her. if she cooks supper, tell her that was a great meal dear, smile and move on, do not wait for a response. do you understand what i mean. i bet you give her a compliment and stand and wait for her to respond, trying to make eye contact. dont do it this way. be a disireable friend. my wife has a friend that no one and i mean no one likes but my wife. you know why they are best friends, because she really strokes my w. flooding her with compliments, i sat back and watched this one night, and saw my wife really feed off this. so i thought if she can do it i could to. muddle i am just trying to give you alturnitives to your sitch, try if you like. just find someother way because the current way is not working.
I'm not standing around waiting for my actions to produce results, but I have no doubt that there's a way to change things so the pressure doesn't exist. Things are moving in the right direction now, I just need to make sure I keep on top of it.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I didn't throw in the towel (in a sense I couldn't and can't), but usually something needs to end before something else can begin. In this case I broke out of the comfort zone of my complacent, inflexible thinking in order to make progress and be compassionate and understand my W's perspective. I think I needed to go where I did because I learned a lot from it. I know it wasn't pretty. It's good to have a place to vent.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I think sometimes we just have to be comfortable with accepting whatisis! To know that no matter what happens we will carry on and be OK. That is a true blessing. It allows us to operate from a position of strength rather than from the victim soapbox that we all may so rightly deserve to be on. When you recognize that there is a always a tomorrow, no matter what happens today, that is empowering. I hope if you aren't feeling that right now, Muddle, that in due course you will. I really believe things are moving in a positive direction now. Carry on and MuddleThrough! You're not alone.
Whatis, that's an important concept to live - and I've been avoiding the victim mentality at all costs. I'm here because I choose to be, so nothing is being done to me.
I have a sense of peace about my life. I know there's a lot of good stuff coming my way, and I'm doing a lot for myself and my family. I'm thankful for what I have, what I've had the opportunity to experience, and for being alive. I'm in a positive place mentally, I just hope that in preserving my mental health I'm not ignoring things in my sitch that I can do to make things better. I don't want to be in denial just to get through the day. Fine line there, I think.
Things were smoother yesterday. W talked to me like she wanted to see me, and I made sure I didn't make any bids for her emotional energy. I think one of my biggest failures in our relationship is that I didn't meet her emotional needs. I almost didn't address them. I'm still trying to understand where I went wrong, because I have plenty of memories of validating her feelings about things, but I guess I never really did enough on a day to day basis. She told me the other day that she thought I don't love her. I guess I haven't properly communicated my feelings, I haven't found her love language. I haven't put myself out there enough. I don't know if I'll have the chance, because I can't very well run out and start buying her gifts and stuff now, can I? I'm so aware of this power struggle, where she wants to control, and control with her feelings, but she also wants to be led. So I need to figure out how to lead and pre-empt her desires and meet her needs this way. I do a lot more than I have, but if it's responsive, then it doesn't satisfy her need to be led. I feel like I bang my head against the wall trying to figure this out, I read books (5LL) and come away with no more direction than I came in with. I think I'm creating a wall to prevent me from doing this right, I'm sabotaging myself here.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Well, this afternoon I stopped at Subway and picked up a sandwich for my W on the way back from picking S4 up from school. I thought it would be nice for her to not have to worry about what she was going to eat, because this can be a real problem for her. I made sure that I didn't get anything for myself because I wanted it to be clear that I did something nice for her, not as an afterthought. I don't know if this will be perceived as trying, but I don't really care. I wanted to do something nice, and I think some part of me has been holding off demonstrating my understanding of where I went wrong because I am trying to DB and not pursue. I wasn't perfect, far from it, but my awareness of this wont be change unless I put it into practice. Little things with no expectations. She needs to know she's thought about and her needs are a real priority to me. I think it's going to be a tough sell, and it might muddle things up, but I think it's worth trying.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
