Welcome to my world, Muddle! That is exactly what my W wants. Just accept it for now and don't try to convince her of the inanity of it all. No point. But, you have now given her what she wants, a validation of her desire to end your R in its present form. Yes, get counselling around parenting your son, as you mentioned earlier, because aside from the benefits to your son, it is you two working on something TOGETHER! She's been so damn busy pushing you away that it has exhausted both of you. I know my W told me that for a long time she was mean to me in the hopes that I would get it and give up! Sound familiar? Anyway, I think this is great news and truly a break through of sorts for you two. "Friends" can be quite intimiate without the baggage. P.S. Hide your damn journal
Hi everyone I'm new and any advice would be WONDERFUL!!! My husband and I after 15 years are seperated for 8 months and papers are filed for a dissolution. I have been miserable and have fought a losing battle, showing how pathetic I am by begging, pleading, crying, threating, any thing you can think of I did it. My husband has told me that when he left he was not sure that he wouldn't be back but because I have been the way I have over the past months I have pushed him away! Because of our constant fights he tells me how much he hates me, and doesnt want to see me or hear from me (we have 3 children 10,6,2 he loves his kids very much) and hell would freeze over before he ever came back. We keep the anger going, I have come to realize that he's not coming back my question however is this Is there anyway to rekindle a frindship? Has anyone else had there spouse say the same things to them and then later they became friends or even found love for each other again? Oh yea before I forget he has a very close female friend (Just friends they have both made it very clear to everyone she wants more kids my husband cant have anymore, we have 3 kids she doesnt want to take care of someone elses kids, and etc.) I am terribly jealous over this!! He has stated that he is emotionally attached to her! Will this go away? Has anyone experienced this? If so please give me some advice to deal with it, he flaunts it in my face because he says he knows it pisses me off! How fair is that? Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!!!!
Sorry you are here, but you've come to a good place. First off, it's best to start your own thread so all of your history will be in one place.
To answer some of your questions: yes, your situation is relatively common. Spouses have left and the actions of the left behind spouse (LBS) have had an impact, positive or negative, on whether the walk away spouse (WAS) has returned or not. If you have not read Divorce Busting (DB) or Divorce Remedy (DR), please do so ASAP. The first thing you should do is stop all pursuit. Stop pleading, stop begging and focus on you. If you accept that you have no control over the outcome of the situation and choose to love yourself and build yourself up instead of tearing your hair out and trying to convince your WAS to return, you will be much more likely to succeed.
The fact that you are fighting still shows that you are in a state of conflict, which is a good sign as it shows you both still care about the relationship. Be careful though, because you are creating history in the present, and you would be better served by creating positive memories than negative ones.
I think this friendship he has is in fact an emotional affair (EA) and this alters the dynamic of your situation considerably. You will find quite a lot of information here about what you can do, but remember that you have to be committed and brave enough to face your own demons, because that's where you're able to do the most effective work.
All is not lost. There's a great deal of potential. Read the books and come here for support and discussion.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
muddle: i truly believe you can save your marriage. but the first thing you need to do is listen to your w and agree with her. if she says its over agree, if she says i can not work agree, SHE HAS GIVEN UP HOPE TO YOU, SO GIVE UP HOPE TO HER. what i mean is be nice, do not try anymore to fix this, you know thats how i was, i tried to fix everything, you cant. but you can agree with her, honey your right, we are not meant to be together anymore, what ever she says agree and move on. show her no more emotion. be a friend. thats it. have one more talk with her, soon. and this is what i would tell her. you have tried everything. i would tell her honey, these last several months has been hard on both of us, we have been going in two different directions, you want out, i do not, but after looking at the whole picture last night,i realized you are right, we do not belong together, you and i deserve better. i want to be happy just like you do, and we are not giving each other this. so what i am telling you is this, my gloves are comming off, i give up on our marriage, you can come and go as you please, i will do the same, i love you in a different way now, only for our son, take care of yourself and i hope you really find happynest. muddle i really think its time you just start agreeing with her, give her some power, and make her look at you again. you guys just keep banging your heads here, you want in she wants out you want in she wants out, give her what she wants, let her know you are giving her this. once you do this stick to it, dont relapse, make her wonder why you are giving up. it will make her slow down and think and look back at you.
I just wanted to journal something my son said in the car this morning. I said that he loved his mommy as we drove away, and he said yes he did. I said "I love your mommy too, you know, right?" and he confirmed he did and then said: "But mommy gets very angry at you when she feels that way. She doesn't act like that with me."
He has on occassion told my W to "stop acting that way" when she gets crazy. He's very perceptive and understands what appropriate behavior is.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Thanks for your opinion. It's pretty much in line with what I have already done. It's just a matter of being consistant now. I told her that I accept that she wants out and that we're done. I haven't told her that I agree with why. I think that's honestly where I have to go next. I have to validate her opinion that the problems she's pointing out mean our relationship didn't work, and that we need to move on to find happiness. I need to give up anything I'm still holding on to. This is really difficult, because every time I think I've done so, I come to the realization that I haven't. It's almost like I have to take on responsibility for dissolving our marriage in order to get in the frame of mind to completely let go.
I guess my holding on to hope is me telling her that she's wrong, it's a challenge that she's fighting against. I think on some level I need to drop the rope so she is the one left carrying it and she has to decide whether to pull it or let it go.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
NO,NO,NO! do not give up hope. Allow her the space and validate, as you've said, her views that the M had problems and at this point is over (in its present form but don't say this!). By doing so YOU ARE working on your M. You are taking a new route, that's all. When she feels less pressure she may see you in a new light. Go ahead and set your goals. Think about how will you know things are getting better etc. Again, I think what you've just done is fantastic (and difficult work) and for the first time she's saying she WILL work with you on something (your "friendship and your son). That is amazing news!!! Go with what she's offering, it's a start. Don't quit now. Detach for yourself but don't give up.
P.S. I hope I'm making sense here! I'm sneaking this in at work so I'm rushing. So let me know if I need to clarify. I want this to work for you Muddle!
you got it man, drop that rope, let her know you have dropped it. and yes only she can pick it back up and come back to you. you have not lost, and she has not won, you just have to change your stragy. you said she is pissed because you sleep in the bed and she on the couch, why not give alittle on this as well, kill her with kindness. if she wants this then give it too her, im not telling you to lay down and let her walk all over you, just on some things that dont really matter to you, but is huge to her. she will wonder why your doing this. lets face it her a is not going to work with your cousin, you know that, she knows that, everyone knows that, but she is feeling very guilty, you let her go, you did not stop her from doing this, and know she hates you for it, sorry man but she does, so now you have to get her conforible with you again. the only way you can do this is give in and give her what she wants, time.
No, I'm not giving up hope, but rather I'm not going to show it to her. I'm going to completely stop demonstrating that I want anything more in our relationship than I have now. I don't know if I can do this because clearly I do want a lot more, but I think I really need to try. The more I pursue, the more she runs. I need to be neutral at best in order for her to pursue even just a little bit. Reverse the roles. Be less available, make her want more of me than she has, or than she thinks she's going to have.
You know, I have seen these cycles within myself and reflected in the sitch where the same things are said meaning slightly different things each time. It's like this corkscrew effect. Slowly rising up, but each revolution you see much the same real estate. The ground we covered in the past couple of days is nothing new to me. My POV has not changed, but her understanding and acceptance of it has. I will continue to work on things, but I'm a bit torn between wanting to be a good friend to her and show her that I support her for who she is regardless of what it does for me and wanting to be sure I don't tell her that I'm ok with you treating me however you want to and I'll be here settling for whatever you give me. I'm not really OK with being just her friend, but it also may be the case that that's the only way back into her heart. Right now she's so busy making me out to be the enemy (she even said so the other day) that she hasn't been able to look at me as a friend. Hope that changes. I think the giving up hope thing will prevent her from feeling that she needs to be my enemy.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
you said it, you do not need to give up hope, just let her think you have. and yes muddle, she has to find you as a friend first, before anything else can happen. muddle you have to start giving in to her, even if you dont agree. she is in a cloud, when (and i do mean when because she will)she comes out of her tunnel, you want to be there for her, meaning a true friend. that is the key, you must become friends again, i know you want more, so did i and everyone else in here, but i had to stop fighting and playing tug of war with my wife. and you know what, as soon as i did this, she noticed right away, and was happy, just like i was to not fight anymore. your wife is in defense mode, meaning its up to you and only you to stop, give, what ever you want to call it to become friends. muddle the best way to her heart is friendship. i would suggest killing her with kindness, give her compliment, build up her confidence, if she does something for your son, tell her man you are a great mother, awesome mother. your wife is down right now, help pick her back up. once she figures out you are giving up hope for marriage and now all you want is friendship, her gaurd will come down. then she will start looking at you the way she did when you two first met. you know all this muddle, you just have to do it
