Ok, I'm looking for opinions and expert advice: spouse spent the night with OW as per usual 2 nights per week. That really builds my self esteem let me tell ya! Anyway, spouse just sent me an email asking if we should go to dinner tonight? AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Do I WANT to go? Yes, I'd love some just us time. Who is "we"? Is it just us or are we dragging daughter along so no real communication takes place? Would spouse learn more about how I feel if I decline? (in light of the fact that this is guilt, asking me to dinner) Do I swallow my pride yet again and slap a smile on my broken heart and go to dinner or do I calmly decline? HELP ME!!!!!!!
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
Helinka, Go! Unless you have some strategy that involves distancing yourself (detaching) I would go. I don't think you do. Therefore don't push the situation unless you have a plan in place. Think...then act. Otherwise, go for dinner and make her pay! You've paid enough. I know how hard it is to feel like a piece of furniture to the one you love. But, even furniture sometimes gets polished
Dinner was ok. D 7 had a melt down before and spouse and I had a miscommunication about a trip to the vet. Spouse wanted to be cranky with me but I just shut up and went to the vet for her. So all in all things were precarious before dinner. We took D so not much deep communication. But in the midst of sushi spouse pops out the "assignment" her therapist gave her for next visit: make list of people who have fooled you throughout your life. Can't go into that too far with kid present so later after D in bed, spouse comes and sits on couch while I'm watching TV. I turned TV off and we had some inconsequencial chit chat. Then I asked if she wanted to tell me more about her session today. So we kind of had a big R discussion. Spouse is still in la la land and takes no "responsibility" for affair, it's all based on her unmet needs and getting what she needed from OW. (Ever want to scream "yes, but you MADE A CHOICE to do that!!! You gave yourself PERMISSION to act on it!!" But of course I didn't scream it out.)
I guess what I should see as "good news" is the fact that she said she often tries to just convince herself to suck it up and come back to me. She chose me, she should just reinvest etc but it does't FEEL that way. I could suggest that FEELings are based on actions but she's not ready for that. Interesting twist: I sugggested there wasn't really a level playing field between myself and OW because in their A there was no responsibility, bills, kid, mortgage, etc. Spouse said "But those are the things between you and I that I LIKE". Wierd. But I guess I understand. With me it's stability and "family". Unfortunately I don't know how much longer I'll be the "furniture".
Thanks for asking guys! Any observations?
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
"Those are the things between you and I that I like"!!! WTH? I've had that convo with my W too. Suggesting maybe her A is so wonderful because of all the stuff that isn't involved in it such as bills, kids, etc. Made no dif. I find trying to reason with them in this state is useless. That's why DB is wonderful because it thrives on actions versus words much of the time. DB never says "sit down and have a nice talk about how unreasonable and unrealistic your S's actions are". There's a reason for that! It is hard though to escape R talk when the S seems to want to do it. Mine never does, thank God. I once told her I would not enter into such discussions if the topic was to be a listing of my defecits (and that seemed to be the entire content of it). If she ever wanted to discuss how to work together on fixing issues, I was there o/w don't bother. I can't fathom how they see this as a good way to live???? Oh well, I guess we just carry on. Good furniture is to be seen and not heard!
