so sorry misskitty - my d will be finalized next week, so I feel your pain...
Me:30
WAH:31
M:5 yrs
Tog:6.5yrs
Baby boy (Jaden) on the way - due in January
Bomb: 5/3/06
D official: 10/12/06
Click on my name to find my old threads - couldn't figure out how to fit them here!
Well, I haven't been posting because I've been so busy with getting 3 out of my 4 kids back to school. Phew! Last year I only had D12 in school, so this was a big adjustment! Anyhow, I have had an interesting few days. I'll start with last Sat. I went to our local county fair with what is probably OW and her H. She's a city girl so the fair did nothing for her. We then went out for drinks. Toward the end of the evening, we called my H to ask a question (he was at work) and he ended up going to another bar with us for more drinks. He was a little pissy with me, being a little bitchy. I pretty much ignored it. Ow commented that when she had put her hair in ponytails (as mine was) her H had told her she looked awful. I laughed and said that more guys hit on me when I have them in. My H told me I should get a schoolgirl outfit and I'd get a ton of guys. I said that I didn't need any help in that department. He got very pissy at that point. We left soon after and H scared me by popping up and knocking on my window. I laughed and took off, not really expecting him to come home. On the way, I got a call on my cell and I pulled over to take it. H pulled up next to me and I waved him on. H stayed and when I was done asked what was going on. I told him that I lose reception up the road and I wanted to finish the call before that happened. H took off PISSED, driving 60-70 mph on country roads. D12 was home watching the little ones so I hurried along after him so she wouldn't get the brunt of angry Daddy. When I got in H screamed at me for driving recklessly and threatened to take away my car. He then proceeded to have the hissy fit of all fits, breaking a coffee table in the process. While he was tantrumming, I let him be and focussed on calming the kids who were all awake at this point. After things settled down, I walked into the wreckage of my living room. H came in and ranted a bit more and I validated what he was saying, not losing my temper myself (a first- yeah anger mgmt seminar!) and speaking in a calm voice. Then I told him that I was tired, had had too much to drink and was angry and didn't want to fight. I told him we'd deal with things in the morning. Morning was s1's birthday. I was doing a lot to get ready for the party, so I let him laze in bed all morning without comment. OW came over early to help set up. Things got tense for a bit just before guests arrived due to a joking comment I had made that was taken the wrong way. I left the house for 10 minutes to reset my buttons and things were better. Mom came in and gave H a big hug (thanks Momma!) which was great because H is so worried that everyone hates him. Things went well and eventually H, OW, OW's H, and myself were all sitting around the table having drinks and enjoying ourselves. OW and her H left and my H nicely chatted with me for a few minutes before leaving himself. I'm going to skip through some stuff and get to Tue. I discovered that OW and her H are headed to D through online conversations with her H. The [censored] hit the fan. H was mad at me for meddling. OW was mad at her H and myself for talking about her private life. After a few days of crap I told OW we needed space. Last night I went out. My friends were supposed to be in a town nearby, but decided to go to a different town. I was nearly out of gas and had been told by H not to use my debit card without permission. I texted a few times and called a few times and decided to go home. H texted me a message that read: WTF?? And you think you've changed? I responded by leaving a voicemail that I could understand where he was coming from, but that I just needed gas. Later, H came home at 2:45 and bitched me out more re: the calls. I siad I was more than willing to talk to him if he was civil. I explained what was going on. He told me to use common sense. I replied that I had done that last week and had gotten in trouble for using my card. He said just do the right thing. I said so I need to psychically know if I should use the card or not? We laughed. I pointed out that I have changed a lot and that I'm not perfect. He went to bed and locked his door. This is the second or third time he's done that. This morning we got off to a rough start because I asked him why he locked his door at night. After slight bickering for a bit, I apologized for making him feel like he has to lock his door. Then I was on my way out the door. I had to run back in and I stopped by his room to apologize for slamming the door and using an angry tone of voice. I told himthat I didn't think Nov 1 is realistic for me to move as we can't financially swing the rent and car payment. I mentioned the possibility of me getting a job at night if he's home. I pointed out that his own lawyer suggested that if we can get along it would be a better idea for us all to stay here. He said you mean stay married. That actually wasn't what I meant. This is the first time he's said something like that. I did say well, maybe at least untill the baby's in school. I know it wouldn't be easy, but it would be the best financially and stability wise for the kids. Then I thanked him for listening and left. Later, he came home and I had washed out the fridge and loaded the van for the dump- both 180 behaviors. He started in on something and I told him I'd be happy to help if he addressed me civilly. He calmed down and I helped him out. Then he was being pissy, so I grabbed the baby off the floor and went to my room, shutting the door. Not dramatically, just matter of fact. H came to my room and asked if I was pissed. I said I was having a hard time staying level and that I didn't want to fight. H then asked me if I wanted to try a sandwich from our local store. I said sure. I offered to go to the dump and help withthe trash. More 180's! H seemed reluctant so I said I don't have to! H said well yeah why don't you come along. On the way home he pointed out that my "fooling around" with a girl was a double standard because I didn't want him messing around. I was floored. It's true, though. I told him that I felt awful and that I wouldn't do it again because I didn't believe that I should be holding myself to a different set of rules. When we got home, I kept catching himm looking at me. I don't know what's going on. I wish that I could figure things out a little easier. Any input?
Me-32
H-40
M-8 years
5 kids, d16, d13,s5,s5,s2
bomb 6/11/06
H filed for D 6/27/06
So to shake things up a little, I decided that since the temporary agreement is that he has the kids Tue-Thu nights, I'll go out and let him stay home with them. We need to get used to this anyway. It's tough, because I hate the thought of not putting my babies to bed, but this is the way it's going to be. I have to be careful not to let myself get complacent staying here. I don't want to push H too far, but it seems like he's got his cake right now. Perhaps he'll realize what life will really be like. He can be responsible for them in the mornings too! If this is what he wants, he can have it! Does anybody have any hints or suggestions? Will this be pushing him too much? Should I sit back silently and wait for him to initiate the temporary orders? We now have our final hearing scheduled for Dec. 6. He was supposed to call our local realtor about a house for rent for me, it was in our agreement. H never did. I'm supposed to be out by Nov 1. Having searched high and low, I don't see how I can do that. H's own lawyer suggested trying to get along to stay in the same house. So what's the general feeling out there? Should I encourage trying to stick to the agreement as much as possible or should I wait for him? Just to clue you in, every time we have a nasty fight, the D gets bumped along. I have pulled myself back from fighting. I haven't heard the I can't wait until you leave crap for awhile. WTF? He is so damn confusing! Please help me people!
Me-32
H-40
M-8 years
5 kids, d16, d13,s5,s5,s2
bomb 6/11/06
H filed for D 6/27/06
Just an Idea Maybe the lawyer is attempting to make a suggestion to save the M? A book 'Reconsible differences' is written by an East Coast lawyer who deals with wealthy clients. Who knows.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
You know, Swimmer, that was my impression at the time as well. Each time H has consulted with his lawyer, it has literally been immediately after an argument. I'm sure she realizes this. I think it's also very obvious that I'm still very caring of H, not to mention his attorney overheard a conversation I had pre-hearing with my cousin where I said that I think we'll be able to resolve our conflicts and that I have zero desire to see him hurting.
Me-32
H-40
M-8 years
5 kids, d16, d13,s5,s5,s2
bomb 6/11/06
H filed for D 6/27/06
Well as far as online you are on a good community. We wish you the best. Maybe get a copy of 'Children's side of Divorce'. They seem to be left out of the decision making process all too often.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Warning, shitty day ahead! OK, I'm venting here. Please, bear with the foul language. It is 11PM H has been out since 12:30 this afternoon with our friend who he isn't sleeping with. WHATFUCKINGEVER! This sucks. We've had a good few days. H has been coming in earlier and we've been getting along better. H has made a real effort to spend time with the kids. We even went to a family event all together yesterday. Still, toward the end of the event, H was obviuosly itching to go out with OW. Today, H took the twins5 golfing for a bit. But as soon as he was done, it was out the door for an entire day with that [censored] WHORE!! Who cares if the kids were horribly disappointed that Daddy couldn't be bothered with them for the rest of his only day off in weeks! Then we had some issues with texts. I had texted him to see if he'd pick up some groceries, this was 7 hours after he'd left the house. His response was "send a list, i'llsee if i can get to it." Of course, I responded to the effect of if you're too busy I'll do it myself and a second text that pointed out that after 7 hours he could say good night and get business done. Also, I let him know that I'm cranky because of friend issues. No response. Now, it was getting late,the baby was still up, and I hate to leave D12 with the kids on a school night, so I called and said if you're not going, let me know and I'll go down with baby to the store. H called back pissed telling me that he'd said that he was going to go. I pointed out that his text did not say that and I was just looking for a confirmation. H calmed down a bit after I told him that. So I texted him a copy of his original text, saying see why I was confused? I also sent another text with the list at about 8:25. I have confirmation on texts I send and I never got one for the text with the list. At 10:20 I sent another text asking him to get eclairs if he'd be home before 11. At 10:50 I realized I hadn't received a confirmation from the list text and I texted H to see if he had gotten the list. H responded, yes, warden, I got the list. You're pissing me off. I AM PISSING HIM OFF? He is the one who's blowing off his family and responsibilities to have fun with this woman. I rearranged my plans for today to accomodate his golf outing with the boys. I'm the one who stays home every night with the kids while he goes out with OW- and he wants custody!! WTF??? I wonder if this is reaction for getting too close again? This morning H insulted me and instead of snapping back, I went to my room for a minute to reset my buttons. When I came out H told me that I hadn't changed at all. WTF? Not getting into an argument was a 180 for me! H keeps saying this over and over, it's like he's trying to convince himself. Of course, all the texting this evening is going to be exactly what it was like before. I am also going insane not knowing what H is doing. I mean it's almost midnight, he hasn't gone to the store yet, what has he been doing for nearly 11 hours?? Of course H is having sex with that bitch! I hate this. I pray that God sends me another sign, because I really have nothing to lose if I just walk away from this crap!! How am I supposed to find the strength and courage to fight for this marriage? Enough for now. I have to find a way to think of something else.
Me-32
H-40
M-8 years
5 kids, d16, d13,s5,s5,s2
bomb 6/11/06
H filed for D 6/27/06
Kitty Here is an article I've read and listening to young men while serving overseas who were products of broken families I'd say it's fairly accurate.
Personally my X can relate with you outside of the cheating but the being gone too often while she is home did create much friction. She jumped off the divorce cliff but I ran us up to it. The base cause was my self centeredness and all the crap done to justify/satisfy it. Woke up too late.
10 years from now will your kids be better or worse? Only you can answer that and I am not judging.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
