I was thinking about what kind of "man" would do something like this and a couple of words from my days in the Air Force came to mind.
1) He's a p*ssy.
If he was "all that" why the hell isn't he flying over here to see her? That's the gentlemanly thing to do, you know. A real man that had some real substance would have knocked on Cherish's door and talked man to man. He thinks it best to keep that ocean between him and Cherish. Since he's a p*ssy.
2) He's a deadbeat.
I bet he's broke. Why else would he be trying to pick up another man's wife? If he can snow her, he'll be the "victor" to whom all the "spoils" would go...that's how he thinks. Because he's a deadbeat.
Protect yourself and your assets Cherish. Talk to an attorney if she gets on that plane. I can't recall if you're both living in the home but if so, she shouldn't be allowed to just waltz back in after deserting her family. Read closely.
Right on Amy, he's already looking like my W OM was - same behaviors. SHE went to see HIM. You know what they say, 'why pay for the cow if you can get the milk for FREE?'
Thought I would throw out some old posts from my threads where it was becoming apparent that OM was an emotional predator - just using W to fill his OWN needs. It took her actually NEEDING support from him for it to become clear to her that he was using her for his own needs.
These are from December to February...
Quote: He professes his love for her, because they are soul mates - and 'knew this' when they looked into each others eyes in Hawaii at the retreat. He was there with his girlfriend of 3 years who he broke up with when he got home, but she still lives with him. Right.
W said when she saw him she 'felt feelings that could not be described in words'. She lamented that she would rarely see him because of the distance, and the fact that she would never leave the kids. But they would 'get together' as often as they could.
Sounds tragic, doesn't it?
Quote: He says in a previous mail:
"I think of you all the time, it's like I know where you are at any time and I feel you. I KNOW I LOVE YOU."
She replies:
"I know, I'M IN LOVE!!!!! and HE loves me TOO!!!! I'm so happy!!!"
Notice anything adolescent about this?
Quote: This is their 'relationship' as I have been able to piece it together from looking at e-mails and phone logs:
They talk on the phone maybe 1/2 hour every couple days.
They e-mail every day, couple times a day. He will generally send 2-3 emails each day. They are almost always poems, pictures, animation from web sites that he gets e-mailed to HIM every day from a mail list. It makes him look like a real romantic but in reality he is just a copier.
Sometimes he will send an e-mail where he actually SAYS something. Not often though. When he does it's usually 'I AM SO HAPPY THAT I KNOW I LOVE YOU, I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU' (the past life thing) or 'you are my true long lost love!' and other stuff like that. Or he will complain about his 'ex girlfriend' who still lives with him and won't give up trying to get him back.
She will reply, usually asking him if he feels the feelings that the poems or pictures are saying (so, do you worship me?). I actually have never seen him reply to those questions. She will say the usual "I LOVE YOU's" too, and tends to write a little more but not much.
Sometimes he actually says something on his own in the e-mails. When he does it has lately been either to complain about his Ex GF or his new business he is starting or his 'book' he is writing. He will also maybe write a 4 sentence paragraph about how he 'thinks of W all the time' or 'knows what she is doing or where she is since they are so connected spiritually' 'or knows that he really IS in love with her and it's so wonderful' or other things like that.
He usually doesn't sign his emails 'love, OM'. Just 'OM'.
She sends him e-mails that are replies to his messages, suporting his problems, or validating that she feels the same love, although much more intensly, or she may mention something going on here but rarely does. It's almost always asking him if he really does love her like he says, or her telling him in different ways how so in love she is with him and they are meant to be together.
Again, very immature.
Quote: I noticed an e-mail from OM tonite saying that he 'felt negative energy towards him coming from me'. Huh? When we got home and W went into her room and got online to chat with him I was hurt and angry at HER. I don't think much of him but I also don't get angry at HIM because she initiates contact. I generally see him as pathetic.
And please, how could he 'feel the energy' from me? He is not a grounded individual, or even particularly intuitive. He gets all his strength in that regards from HER. And she got her strength from ME.
He knew we were out together as a family tonite. I wonder if he is feeling insecure and has to paint a negative picture of me to her to feel better? I noticed that he only says negative things about me. He has no knowledge of me so how can he know me? He really only knows me through her telling him the negatives and the divorce.
He mentioned to her that he thought his 'ex girlfriend' who is living with him still is 'seeing someone'. He says that's good but the way he phrased it was 'I have been cheated on before and all the indications are there'. Say again? At his age how does he find women who cheat on him, can't he tell the difference? Even my wife has shocked everyone who knows her with her affair, and she feels GUILTY about it, but isn't about to stop because the feelings are so addictive. But he's found women who can cheat on him?
And you don't just ASK her? She's not your GF any more right? I ask my wife all the time about where her relationship with HIM is at. What a coward.
He has decided to move 'out west'. I'm sure that makes W feel like he is doing it for her but I simply cannot imagine what kind of man would do that? I am more inclined to think he needs to move somewhere that he has a woman so he won't be alone. At first I thought this was an issue for me but a lot can happen in the next year.
Clearly HE is not ME. I am much more secure in my self and not one to flit around the country, but to set down my foundations and deal with my life on my own terms.
A real energy drain - energy vampire.
Quote: She's been asking him questions lately. She says it's so she can "get to know the man I love". She asked him what it was he loved about his ex wives. This is interesting because this is a question our counselor said we should be able to answer when we are divorced, because we should remember why we honor the mother or father of our children and because we DID love them and in any new relationship we have that person deserves to understand how it is we love someone.
I was surprised to hear that he had more than one wife, and was now finishing up with a girlfriend he has just dumped after 3 years. In some ways that's a good thing because it shows another weakness he has in relationships.
She asked him what he envisioned their relationship to be like if he moves out here. I haven't seen him respond. It seems clear he is a needy person and will want to get into a pathetic relationship with her.
I don't know why it isn't obvious to her that underneath it all he is needy. Probably because the 'in love' feeling masks that and also they haven't really spent any 'real world' time together under stress. It's so far a perfect relationship, no problems. It will be interesting to see how his ex-wife stories affect her. I don't need to hear them but she has GOT to be wondering how it is he has multiple ex wives, and problems with his recent GF.
So far he is saying all the right things. He knows what her dreams are and is hooking himself into them. She is 'in love' so it all looks good to her.
If I listen to her friends who met him in Hawaii, they say that spiritually he is dark energy and feeds off others positives. He is basically a negative person but hides it under his 'player' personality. I only see him as dark, but he is working her so well that she is falling more and more into this emotionally.
This is from an article that describes the type of person the WAS will choose to 'fall in love' with
Quote:
An affair with someone grossly inappropriate--someone younger or decades older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own--is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.
Quote: her last trip was a mere $400 including the hotel SHE paid for. You'd think he would at least pay the hotel so all she has to pay is airfare. Which brings us to the third thing: Why doesn't OM come here? Costs are the same and SHE could pay hotel costs at motel 6 ($49). I mean, if he is IN LOVE wouldn't he want to see her? This is the mystery to me. But it fits the predator profile. WHt pay for something you can get for free?
I dated a girl in college who graduated and moved to Ohio (I lived in NY) I still flew to see her every 2 weeks until it became clear that if I didn't move there we wouldn't last. I loved her but didn't move because it was too hard for me to leave my roots at that time, and she broke up with me.
I would never have a 'relationship' like she is in. As a man, I would do whatever I had to do to scrimp and save $$ to get to my 'love of my life'. Wouldn't you?
This next one is where he starts to tip his hand. Notice how he answers the 'attraction' question... (Striver, don't make these mistakes!)
Quote: -- jan 14th same day she writes him
I have a question, surprised? Of course you are.
Are you attracted to me?
I know you love me, Just wondering about this.
Love
jan 17th, (Last nite) she talks to me about her life and how she is down and the 'empty' spot that was filled by the 'relationship' but that's over now. It appears he is not filling her cup right now.
--- today, Wed Jan 18th He sends her e-mail.
Yes I am attracted to you. I was not at first , In fact I really didn't register you... Until I saw the pain in your eyes and it affected me...well you know how it affected me.
"Until I saw the pain in your eyes..." <-- well well well.
He talks about how hard it has been setting up his business, how the 'payoff' will give him lot's of freedom to do what he wants to do. Then he says "I'm not trying to give any false hopes, but when I get out there (if you still wish me to be there), I will have enough knowledge and resources so we can do the lomi massage business! I am looking forward to that. I desparately need a lifestyle change. However one thing at a time...
It was a few weeks later that she starts to see the reality of HER life, that she needs to work on her financial and personal issues and asks him to give her a little space, and some support. He responds with anger that SHE is leaving HIM hanging and he is the one who really needs support!
Quote: Turns out I was clinically depressed and had been for some time. Sought medication, she ended affair very quickly and our marriage was great. I thought I was better, stopped the pills, slipped back into darkness though I couldnt see it. Wife left me 5 weeks ago saying that she has been trying hard to make our marriage work, that she told me I was ill and I ignored her(true) and that she now needs space to rediscover herself.
Yeah, Mrs. C, you've found yourself a real winner there.
I do hope you return from your foolish trip safely, though. You don't know how dark his "darkness" really is so I hope he's medicated while you're there.
I am so sorry to hear this, infact a bit taken back!!!! You know something hon. misery loves company....And if both of them are as sick as their actions...well sweetie, they are going to fall hard!!!!
Thank God for your families sake you have your head on your shoulders...cause I am sorry to say, but your wife has some very serious issues...I could not even imagine how she could just go to a man like that, so far away and feel safe.....
I too have never read this guys stich...but as we can see, we have to be careful for those that come on and are "pretending" to be hurt....
Sweetie; I am not exspert here, but I do believe you need to get on with your life.....your wife has issues that are going to take a pretty long time to work out..and you sweetie are going to really have to detach and let her make her mistakes and get to the end of herself. I am so going to be praying for you both...but I know with God, He really is in the business of blessings...and alot of the time He lets us reap what we sow, so that, like in your wifes case, she can get to the end of herself so that she can call out to Him, and He then can begin healing her. But sweetie this is a long process, please do not put your life on hold.....
I will keep checking...but I will be moving in a few days, and will not have the internet for awhile...but know hon, that I am praying!!!!!
OK, I think everyone needs to take a deep breath......
Mrs.C seemed to be a pretty level headed person in her posts. I don't see any wackyness even though I don't happen to agree with her position. I think she is enjoying the attention and the adventure of it all. Keep in mind, she has been in a M/R that she believes has not met her needs. Maybe she is just playing with him, just like a new toy ? I just can't see anyone flying off leaving kids, friends and family for a complete stranger no matter how steamy the emails get. I'm not saying it can't happen, I'm just saying it must be very very rare.
So let's assume it's true, what can C do about it anyway ? Not much, other than making sure his kids are cared for.
While I don't agree with Strivers actions, Mrs. C is definately sending C a message and in a very public way.
Cherrish, I feel so bad for you and will continue to support you in any way I can. Again, I would (gently) ask how your close relationship strategy is working ?
yes and it is very clear that he had issues with his approach or at least the outcome. It seems to me like asking "So Mrs. Lincoln are you happy with your choice of attending the show at Ford's Theatre"?
Perhaps I'm wrong, but not sure what kind of answer he expects from his question and I still question the spirit of the question.
Flip got it. It is a sincere point. But I also agree with the "horse is out of the barn" perspective. I guess continuing the close R at this point is counter-productive. I hope "C" is detatching and not being clingy.
Quote: Mrs.C seemed to be a pretty level headed person in her posts. I don't see any wackyness even though I don't happen to agree with her position. I think she is enjoying the attention and the adventure of it all. Keep in mind, she has been in a M/R that she believes has not met her needs. Maybe she is just playing with him, just like a new toy ? I just can't see anyone flying off leaving kids, friends and family for a complete stranger no matter how steamy the emails get. I'm not saying it can't happen, I'm just saying it must be very very rare.
My W did. There are at least two other people on this board whose W did.
She was 'level headed' and 'intelligent' and all the things you say. The endorphins of 'in love' screw all that up.
This happens between two people who are emotionally immature and have learned to get their needs fulfilled by others rather than themselves.
After they get together and decided it is 'true love' they proceeded to live in the cloud of 'in love' and make plans to 'be together' like some tragic love story. They ignored their family, kids, jobs all so they can be in pursuit of this long distance romance.
Real people do not fall 'in love' over the phone or through E-mail. All there is is a fantasy person - the real person is someone else entirely.
My W was on the phone or IM'ing 'Mr Wonderful' all the time. Unfortunatly he was banging his girlfriend (who he told W he left - for her) and of course, he never came to see HER but got the benefit of her paying to fly to see HIM. Get the picture?
I think you are being naiive in this case, and certainly are not speaking from a position of experience. There are many of us who have experience in this kind of behavior and it IS a bad thing. There ARE men (and women) who get their emotional 'fix' from others like this. The sad part is that Striker believes he feels what he feels, yet he goes from woman to woman trying to fill that empty spot inside.
She is just the next victim.
And no, I don't think he is a murderer. He is just screwed up like so many people are. Ceratinly his integrity is poor at best.
Perhaps you may find some useful knowledge in This Article on Romatic Infidelity.
