Mama, my boy too is a night owl, I put him to bed at 9:30 on a school day and at 11:30 I still hear him make airplane/explosion noises, dont' matter to me, rules are rules and he knows he is supposed to stay in bed. We put some soft music and keep it quiet, even if we aren't doing it, we just want sometime alone. I have a 3yr old who follows me to the bathroom, I work full time and miss her so, but still, bedtime is bedtime and she knows this, after her milk, brushing of teeth and book she goes to her bed, lights out, and she stays there, both kids know they aren't supposed to be out and about after I tuck them in and I'm consistent, no kids awake after 10pm.
Long ago I used to let kids stay up 'til 11, again, because I didnt' see them during the day, and so H and I never got time alone, it contributed to our distancing.
So what if the 9 and 11 yr can "guess" what you are doing, you are adults and it is normal--you are not doing drugs or something illegal-- it's nothing to be ashamed of. Walk your little self to Home Depot TODAY and 12$(more of less) later you'll have some privacy, anyone can change a knob.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, There is a home depot right near my son's preschool so I will make a point to go there after I drop him off this afternoon. I think the reason that S is so "attached" is because of all the crap that went on this past year. H came home very late 3-4 times a week and stayed out all night at least once every week. All the kids became very insecure as they didn't know if their family was staying together or falling apart.
Now that H has stopped doing all that and has started spending much more time with us it's like they can't get enough of him. I do agree in boundaries and bedtime rules though. The girls each stay in their own rooms, although they may be awake for a while. I have to work with our son though cause he comes in our bed EVERY night.
Whatis, I think you took my post the wrong way. I definitely think a little humor goes a long way. Bring it on!
Like PL said earlier. This is not a time for words, it is a time for action. The new doorknob will be the first step.
It must've been hard for the kids, my poor boy felt as if his dad was gone for a year instead of 7mths. My son, even today, really wants to sleep in our bed, he used to asked me a lot, when he was 3 I'd let him, but not anymore, at all. It is hard for some kids to break the habit, make sure every night you tell him that it is no longer ok for him to come to your bed, of course he'll still come to your bed, so nicely scort him out, tuck him in again...and again when he get up again. This will be a pain in the butt to do for a few nights, but he will catch on.
Could you do something to his room so it' s more appealing to him? new superhero bedspreads, new nighlight, glow in the dark something? That way you can stress he is a big boy now and he had his own bed and doestn' need to come to your bed anymore. Good luck!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey Mama...you're doing so good. Just hang in there...keep it up. You have worked so hard all this time. I know your kids went through a rough time, and you did too, being 2 parents in 1.
Things will fall back in place and your family will be settled again.
New doorknob with functioning lock has been purchased and installed!!
As a side note, I had a convo with my H last night regarding our D11. She has a habit of not telling the truth about things and my H said "I hate that, I hate liars!" Isn't that something? I agreed with him but I really wanted to say something like people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
Hi MamaBear, This reminds me of a "pre-bomb" conversation I had with my H, when he was already having an A but had not revealed it to me yet. We had an argument about something small, and he went through the roof when I told him I didn't think he was being honest about his feelings about it. I have never seen him so angry, indignant that I thought he would EVER lie. Of course when the A was revealed, that explained a lot of the defensive angry behavior I had witnessed prior. In retrospect, I think their behaviors are so unacceptable to their own values, that they are just completely split and in denial. IMHO, it is a sign of healing when they are able to talk about and admit what they have done. Just like an alcoholic in a 12 step program, that admits it publically. I'm not sure if you are looking for that from your H someday, but I will have to have that with mine, to know we are on the road to healing. Meanwhile, it is good that you know he has a value about that. One day when the time is right, and you have reestablished trust, hopefully you will be able to address the issue together and so he can apologize, as I believe the healing will not be totally present until that happens and he expresses remorse and you have said you forgive him.
Meanwhile, agreeing on the value you share is good, Mama!
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
PL, The healing has begun (I hope), when the time is right I do need to have that conversation with him. I want him to tell me what happened and why. I also want him to apologize - this for me is huge! Until then, I will always find it hard to trust him with all my heart. Right now my heart is still guarded. As far as forgiveness, I have already forgiven him in my mind so long as it NEVER happens again. I understand that everyone makes mistakes, myself included.
Your day will come, Mama...it will come. Not so quickly, though. You both need to feel safe before having that conversation...and I think H needs to come to terms with it for himself before approaching you. I still think he's a mess partly b/c he is waking up again, wondering why he did what he did.
I agree with PL SO MUCH....that their characters now (esp. the MLC ones) is so in contradiction to their previous values. My H NEVER lied...HATED lying...now is a pro at it...and I think he hates that. He blew at me as well, for implying he was lying. It's sad, I wonder if it's now a permanent character trait, or do they lose it once they pop out of MLC?
I read once that when spouses go through this, what they turn into is a split from their strengths, not flaws.....whch creates the inner conflict or crisis. That makes sense.
