Quote: Unfortunately, I don't have control over who she decides to bring home and share her bed with. FYI, we haven't even file papers for a D yet, so nothing to tie her hands with with regard to bringing her adulterous behavior around our children. Perhaps THAT is the reason to file the papers alone?
I wonder if filing some kind of document that is not D papers is possible? Separation or other rules saying SHE can't bring men home?? Maybe Amy has an idea or your lawyer can think of something.
Yes. I don't know what they call it in California though but here it's a separation agreement and it can be specifically stated that there are to be no overnight guests when the children are in her home. You can be more specific and request that she not even introduce your young children to the men she's meeting on the INTERNET.
THAT would be a legal separation and I suppose I can talk with an attorney on a consult to determine how to do this unilaterally by serving her.
Quote: What she nor you seem to realize, is that she is laying some very dangerous ground work that could cause her to lose custody of the kids should you choose to seek it.
More lawyer fodder. Yikes! I will check into it. I will seek such a measure to protect our children from an unsound mind.
Quote: She's more unfit by the day and if she is bringing home people she meets on the internet, well surely even in California that would be frowned upon.
Well, she's settled on one OM and, according to her, while he was two-timing her unbeknownst to her, she says she wasn't exclusively seeing OM either. Not my business, but talk about having a foundation of a R being built on sand (quicksand?)!!! And while I am at it, she continues behaving like a teenage tramp and condoning rat b*astard behavior from her new love interest. NOTE TO SELF: Slap self for talking smack that is useless!
BTW, Frank led me to some material on emotional predators. He is adept and she is prime prey. It's all in God's hands now, I say, as I lovingly detach and watch her fall.
This morning I received a text msg from W telling me how she missed our children sooo much and asked if I would mnd her coming over to spend time with them. I told her that on Mondays I stayed at MIL's for dinner b/c MIl had both of our children and I have a standing invire for dinner and I was sure she'd be welcome. I had pangs in my stomach that THAT was the wrong thing to say. But, oh well, what's done is done. Can't undo it.
When I spoke with my good friend, he said that I should not have told her I was going to be at MIL's for dinner and left it at that. I told him that I don't want to be a jerk. I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror to shave.
My good friend also told me that perhaps W didn't miss our children so much as missed seeing me in a social situation, PLUS she would get to be with our children in my presence so she wouldn't need to be the primary caretaker because our children usually gravitate to me b/c I dote on them. I don't know about that, but I can always hope that God is doing work in her life and that He is helping her to be the woman He always intended for her to be. When my M rebuilds, is restored, and is reconciled it will truly be a testament to the glory and grace of God! Amen!
My other good friend called me early this morning to tell me that he KNOWS that my sitch is going to be over soon and that my W is going to ask for MY forgiveness for what SHE has done. He is truly convinced and has been my stalwart of belief and faith that God will work a miracle in my life and that I must stay the course and do MY part to facilitate the miracle. I have often told him that I wish my faith was as strong and unwavering for my sitch as his faith is for my sitch. I told him that I don't see what he sees any time soon, but I truly hope that his belief comes true. I told him, in the meantime, I will walk by FAITH, even when I cannot see!
Anyway, my MIL called me tonight to tell me tht SIL is tired of company and SIL needs a break. Uninvited to dinner. Actually a Godsend, b/c I was feeling really uneasy about telling W where I would be so she could get her fix of our children and continue on about her merry way.
So, I arrive at MIL's house to pick up our children and leave shortly thereafter. D6 chooses to go to McDonald's for dinner b/c they have an indoor playground and she is Ms. Personality Plus who always makes new friends, and does so again tonight. W had already gotten the msg about SIL. I talked with my good friend and he thought that the SIL story was BS; that W was bringing OM over for dinner. Turns out that wasn't the case. I guess my good friend was being protective of me, as usual.
W asked if she could come over to see the children b/c she missed them so much. I hesitated and she asked me if it was not OK; if I was having company over(translation- female company)? I told her, "That would be wrong." She said otherwise you wouldn't have told me I can't come over. I todl her that I never said that and didn't appreciate having words put in my mouth and repeated, "That having company over (wasn't talking about W) would be wrong." She said if that's what you believe. I said that IS what I believe. That's why I said it. I believe what I say and I say what I believe.
She then said I'll call you later when you are not in such bad mood. I told her that I wasn't in a bad mood and didn't appreciate her telling me that I am in one. I expected to hear from her, but never did. Guess she found something (or somone?) else to occupy her time tonight. <shrug> I like being assertive in standing up for myself. It suits me well.
Tell her she can't come visit the kids when they are with you because that is your time and leave it at that.
This next part is just for you so DO NOT say it to her...
She has those kids as much as you do. It is high time she started making that QUALITY time. Stop letting her play on your time so she doesn't have to be responsible.
Quote: Tell her she can't come visit the kids when they are with you because that is your time and leave it at that.
I will do this next time. Thank you.
Quote: This next part is just for you so DO NOT say it to her...
She has those kids as much as you do. It is high time she started making that QUALITY time. Stop letting her play on your time so she doesn't have to be responsible.
My thought exactly. I love her, but I won't love her more than I love myself and our children. End of story.
Around midnight I received a text msg from W asking if I was awake. I hit her back that I was. She responded asking me if she could call. My S1 was waking up crying and I couldn't really text back much of a msg, so I hit her back w/ yes.
She calls and tells me the story. I was already prepared to tell her that I was there for HER, not ot listen to her about her R with OM. W called OM's girlfreind repeatedly and GF finally answered. W said that she never trusted that OM was telling the truth about NOT seeing GF anymore after the first bomb in their lovefest ecploded. W was correct. He hadn't. The are finished, again. Or at least until he weaves another web of lies and deceit to ensnare her again. W is so lost. It is clear that the enemy has her in his clutches. I know that saving her from the enemy and from herself is far beyond my abilities, and so I pray for Godly assistance.
SIDEBAR: Here's where my righteous indignation comes into play. Not that long ago I let W have it for unilaterally introducing OM to our D and then bringing OM over to her house for dinner with our children home. Without repeating the whole incident, W asked me when I thought it wss appropriate to re-introduce OM and our children. I told her when you get past the Jr. High, puppy love stage of I don't know you and you don't know me but isn't it fun and exciting getting to know e/o b/c it's so NOT real life; we don't have any expectations of each other so it's all so perfect. I told her gat past that stage, deal with expectations placed on e/o and the fights that will ensue, decide you are going to make it work still and THEN introduce my children to you fantasy world. Until then, leave them the F*CK out of it. NOTE TO SELF: I think they reached that point, except for the part about deciding they were still going to make all work. The real world can be such a b*tch sometimes, can't it?
W went on about OM's GF being bitchy towards her and treating W like W was stalking OM. Then, apparently, GF told W a bunch of disturbing stuff that really creeped W out and she felt afraid of OM. She then tried to go into talking about her R with OM and I stopped her, telling her I don't give a f*ck. I don't want to hear about your A. I told W that I can't value you more than I value myself and our children and I can't love you more than I love myself and our children. I told her that I am only willing to listen to her about her hurts.
I told my W that I have the uncanny ability to peg people quickly and accurately and I had pegged OM in the very beginning of that R. W asked how? I told her that OM isn't unique. There are thousands of guys just like him. W said she had never met any. Fortunately, Frank D had turned me on to some material about emotional predators earlier that same day and all of it fit OM to a T. I told W that she was just a notch on his belt and that he's probably out tonight or tomorrow night trolling for a new 'catch of the day.' My W is such a disaster right now, and I am working to keep my heart stiched together to keep myself open to reconciliation WHEN she comes back to me. Most people in my life who care about me tell me that I am nuts for holding on.
As I explained to a friend tonight, these are my reasoEill okrs viy wife 2. we have 2 beautiful children together 3. God wants my M to succeed even more than I do 4. I believe in miracles; God raised His Son from the dead, He can certainly redeem/restore my M 5. Prayer is about miracles. I pray for what I cannot conceive happening w/o God's intervention so that the glory will be His when my M is redeemed and restored 6. My love for my W is unconditional; I will know when I need to quit OR God will tell me it's time 7. I have forgiven my W for the wrongs that she has committed against me, our children, and herself. I have not forgotten, but I have forgiven and freed myself from needing to carry that burden around with me all the time. I am not her judge. I am her support, her husband.
My friend kept saying you are wanting to stay together for the kids. I corrected her saying that NO ONE stays together for one reason. Our children are a huge consideration, but I desire a new M; one filled with trust, fulfillment, strong spirttuality, consideration and respect for e/o, fun, laughter, love, undying commitment and devotion to e/o, and LOTS of hard work to keep our M happy, healthy and whole
I told W, if we are ever on better ground, I'll turn you on to what I've read. She immediately assumed that I had info on OM personally. I told her no, I just know his type. I shifted to conversation to me and my activities and after a while the conversatino lost steam and she wanted to get some sleep.
Today, I saw her at the office and I was cordial, but standoffish with her. I am NOT her friend. I will be her support, but not in an A.
Quote: As I explained to a friend tonight, these are my reasons I hold onto hope for my W:
1. She is my W
2. we have 2 beautiful children together
3. God wants my M to succeed even more than I do
4. I believe in miracles; God raised His Son from the dead, He can certainly redeem/restore my M
5. Prayer is about miracles. I pray for what I cannot conceive happening w/o God's intervention so that the glory will be His when my M is redeemed and restored
6. My love for my W is unconditional; I will know when I need to quit OR God will tell me it's time
7. I have forgiven my W for the wrongs that she has committed against me, our children, and herself. I have not forgotten, but I have forgiven and freed myself from needing to carry that burden around with me all the time. I am not her judge. I am her support, her husband. If I am not her rock, then who will be?
My friend kept saying you are wanting to stay together for the kids. I corrected her saying that NO ONE stays together for one reason. Our children are a huge consideration, but I desire a new M; one filled with trust, fulfillment, strong spirttuality, consideration and respect for e/o, fun, laughter, love, undying commitment and devotion to e/o, and LOTS of hard work to keep our M happy, healthy and whole. She also said, see you are still holding onto hope that SHE will turn around and see her life differently and THAT'S NOT going to happen. You deserve better. I told her that yes, I do deserve better and I want that better from my W and I believe it will be so with God's healing. I can tell she is shaking her head at me in disbelief, but I still STAND for my M and my W. No surrender. I told my friend that I will know when it's time to quit and that time is NOT now. I am standing up for myself and what is right for me and our children. I can't ask for mor of myself right now. I am doing all that I am capable of right now.
Today, I saw her at the office and I was cordial, but standoffish with her. I am NOT her friend. I will be her support, but not in an A. Her behavior was and is wrong in so many ways, as mine was. And so I converse daily with God in prayer for me, her, and our children.
As Oswald Chambers said: Prayer does not fit us for the greater work. Prayer IS the greater work.
Tonight W called to tell me that her friend is moving out of town and she wants to go out to dinner with her GFs to send her off. W asked if I was willing to be with our children for 2 hours. I told her that I have another Taekowdo class tomorrow night so I wouldn't be available. She said she'd make it work. I believe that althogh going to dinner with a GF is important, this is one more in a long string of 'events' which take precedence over spendingn quality time with her children, hence she 'misses' them so often despite having 55% of their time. I do have my Taekwondo class, so I am proud of myslf for not giving up what's part of my GAL to cover for her on HER time with oar children.
I really backslid hard tonight. This has to be quick, will need to add more later. Tonight, my W told me more about OM and his GF and her conversation with OM. She started delve into the R with OM specifically, telling me that she had not tried to make contact with him. She told me that I know that she likes to get the last word and one of hesr friends told her that by hesr NOT calling him she IS getting the last word. I stopped her again and told her I am not in her life to listen to her about her A with that loser. I did tell her that I am quite surprised that OM hasn't tried to contact her to re-spin more webs of lies.
I then told hesr I am really pissed and told her why. I let her know that I was extremely pissed that she chose unilaterally to introduce our children to that piece of sh*t and I asked her what kind of loser targets a married woman??
Yes, I was yelling. My bad. I am hurt and pissed. She hung up on me (her regular M.O.) and I have not been able to talk with her again.
She text msgd me to ask me if I was done yelling at her and I texted back that I was, BUT I am still pissed! That's as far as we got. She had a signing and has her dinner with her GFs. I'll let you all know what comes of this backsliding event. Ugh.
Well even though you back slid, what you did is a normal and predictable reaction for us on this side of the fence. Don't take it to heart, that stuff happens. If you would have really screwed up she wouldn't have even texted you back.
Isn't it amazing how we can see all the mistakes that they are making? If we say something they punish us and just keep right on going like it all some sort of figment of our imagination. Wish I knew what it takes to get them to actual listen to helpful advise.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
W had already gotten the msg about SIL. I talked with my good friend and he thought that the SIL story was BS; that W was bringing OM over for dinner. Turns out that wasn't the case. I guess my good friend was being protective of me, as usual.