Following up on Corri’s challenge to me on her thread "Girl Talk" and in order for me to take some pointers from the ladies in order to come across in a “kinder, gentler” manner to my wife (and to allow the women out there to vent their frustration with me), I am starting up this thread.
So ladies, take your pick on anything you’d like to say to help mold me into the ideal compassionate, kind, gentle, empathic yet confident, self assured, consistent, stable, alpha male who champions the rights of oppressed females everywhere, stands up to male tyranny and chauvinism and fights for truth, justice and the American way! Break out your 2x4s because I’ve already got my helmet on!
My biggest piece of advice would be to lighten up a bit.
Instead of meeting her 'tests' with your own beefed-up anger, try to defuse the situation with humor. Keep confident and unruffled. When you get angry and holler back at her, she knows she's gotten to you. Staying unruffled (though not aloof, I suspect that is one of your defense mechanisms) but still kind and loving towards her would rock her to her core.
I know it's hard and I can't tell ya exactly how to do it but I see MrH doing it to me and I can tell you from firsthand experience that it works.
I think this is a place where Blackfoot will be able to help you better than the ladies cause it's Greek to me, I just seem to know it when I see it. Or, rather, I react to it when I see it but I couldn't tell you specifically what is happening in the moment.
I think all the guys on this BB who are concerned about coming across as more positively Alpha should read the book I had to read for my book group this month called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. It's a novel that falls in the category of Christian Romance. The hero of the novel is based on the biblical character of Hosea (who I had never heard of before reading this novel) who God compels to fall in love with the most LD type woman of all, an abused and hardened prostitute. He remains steadfast in his Alpha-ness in the face of destructive behavior from his wife way above and beyond that faced by any man on this BB.
I am not in any way shape or form a fundamentalist Christian but this book had a certain wisdom about the way relationships work. If you go through life looking for happiness from your relationships with other people then you are setting them in the place where you should be putting God (or something like God if you are not religious). If you go through life holding yourself invulnerable from relationships with other people then you are rejecting God altogether. If you want to be solidly Alpha, you need to think more about what it means to be a good man or a good husband and less about what would make your wife happy or what would make you happy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I was trying to think of a good incident in reply to your question, then this weekend came up. It went like this… Friday was another TKD belt test and since both D13 and S9 had missed the May test, I wanted them to catch up. S13 threw a hissy fit and declared she was not going to TKD anymore. I accepted that, though there will be consequences. I took S9 to the test, which ran late to about 10:00pm. Toward the end, just before the board breaking, he complained to me that his ear was hurting. He had a cold, but was going to school all week without any problem. I was a little concerned that he would tire, but I also knew this was a very easy test and he should be OK. What I had no idea about was his ear.
He finished the testing and afterwards started crying because his ear was hurting worse. I gave him an ibuprofen tablet and headed home. I was feeling really bad about S9’s ear, and very anxious of the response I would get from W, but on the way home I called her anyway to tell her what was going on and find out if we had any antibiotics he could take. Otherwise I intended to go to the emergency room (I checked with both hospitals and it would be a long wait). As soon as she heard he had an earache, she hung up the phone and would not answer my call back. I decided to take S9 home first, check the medicine situation, then go to the hospital if needed.
The first thing out of W’s mouth was something to the effect that she woul take care of S9 since I wasn’t taking care of the kids. I told her that was a fcuking lie. It turned out W did have some antibiotics. She checked with the pharmacist and gave S9 a lowered dosage. He got in the shower and after a while started to feel better, as the ibuprofen kicked in.
I asked her why she couldn’t have just answered the phone and talked to me rather than suddenly hang up. She made some statement that S9 would never tell me he had an ear ache since he was afraid I would get angry for him for not going to TKD. I can’t remember all that was said but she was doing her usual intimating that I was a selfish, uncaring father who pushed his kids relentlessly in TKD (which is a bunch of bull). Somewhere in here called W a “fcuking b!tch,” which seemed quite appropriate at the time (and still does). She then told me no sex for a week. I responded, “Like that was going to happen anyway.” She said that she had to punish me for calling her a b!tch. She was doing the usual powerplay, setting out punishment like she was my parent and I told her to fcuk off, she said two weeks, I told her to fcuk off again, she said three weeks…..
The next day S9 seemed to be out of pain. I however, woke up fighting off a cold and a sinus infection. I decided to stay in bed all day and try to recover. W and the kids cleaned house (a little), washed clothes, did homework and made a schedule of chores for the kids. I did hear S9 getting angry with W several time about something having to do with homework or chores, but I didn’t look into it.
Sunday I woke up feeling better, though not well. I heard W barking at S9 to speak up about something, that he knows she can’t hear well. I came into the kitchen and told S9 to be sure to speak loud, that other wise he will get blame for W’s lack of hearing. I was pissed about W’s snotty, blaming attitude and didn’t feel like laying low to her. Later I began the grocery shopping list. W was civil in asking for things from the store. As I was leaving, I told her that I was ready to accept her apology whenever she was ready to offer it. To my surprise, she came back with an apology for accusing me of not taking care of the kids. She said that S9 had told her that I did take good care of him while we were in Hawaii. So I apologized for calling her a b!tch.
She threw in a conditional statement about how she would not have to accuse me of these things if I didn’t have a history of forcing the kids into TKD (which is a crock since she pushed them just as hard at one point, plus she recently said she does not want them to quit halfway through the program.) So I threw in a conditional statement that I wouldn’t have to apologize if she would stop dragging up the past and holding it over my head. I told her that if she keeps dragging up the past then she will keep escalating fights.
Now, looking back in hindsight, I can see I should have just looked at her like a kid and told her to stop with the groundless accusations, stop imagining and assuming the worst, and stop throwing her anxiety onto me. Yeah, that might be an escalation in and of itself, but WTF. The fact of the matter is that is exactly what she was doing, and I have been seeing it more clearly with her and the kids. She gets worked up about something – homework, her school work, the messy house, the stuff she leaves all over the place, the kids getting sick, then dumps on everyone else to relieve her stress. I fell right into it again! She can REALLY piss me off!
If you are to get anywhere, you must establish a minimum level of civility. Name-calling is absolutely out of the question, no matter how mad you are. There is no excuse for either of you to resort to calling names, and ESPECIALLY using the f-word to each other. There have to be rules of engagement and this must stop if you are to have any respect for each other at all.
And don't say, "well, when I'm that mad, I can't control myself," because I would say, "would you ever call your boss a f'ing @#$%#?" I didn't think so. You can control yourself.
When I first started dating my bf he called me a name once, and he did it in jest. I said, "I don't want you to call me that or speak to me that way ever, even if you're joking." I said we had to maintain a minimum level of civility. He was taken aback and got mad again because he was so embarrassed, but he never did it again. I guess he and his ex did it and it didn't bother either one of them and he thought it was kind of normal. I won't tolerate it.
Only once in my life have I ever used the f-word AT someone (I certainly use it for emphasis as much as or more than anyone), and that was to my first husband when I found out he had been unfaithful. Other lesser names, like b@stard, b!tch, the c-word... all of those are also totally off limits IMHO.
And involving your child in the ugly exchange is also unforgivable. Cobra, you're better than this!
Quote: I was feeling really bad about S9’s ear, and very anxious of the response I would get from W
This is the point at which you let your wife take on the role of mother. She was just continuing in the role you assigned her when she said she was withholding your sex priveledges. Your anxiety led to your defensiveness which led to your disrespectful behavior which led to your wife having to act like "Mommy". So the root of the problem is your anxiety. You felt like you were acting in the best interest of your child by encouraging him to complete the tournament. So what if you made a mistake by not recognizing that his ear infection was advanced? Here's how Alpha guy would have handled things IMO from the point of her hang up.
Alpha: (Calls again) Wife, I am asking again "Do we have any antibiotics?". Our son needs our care and attention so please answer my question.
W: You are bad father..blah,blah,blah.
Alpha: Once again I am asking you if we have any antibiotics. Our son needs our attention and this is not the time to concern ourself with other issues.
W: We have some antibiotics. (Hangs up)
At home:
W: I'll take care of boy since you are so incompetent.
Alpha (to son): Your mother will take care of you now. I am very proud that you were brave enough to complete the tournament even though you were in pain. However, I hope you know that it would have been okay to tell me that you really didn't feel well enough to continue competing.
Alpha exits.
The Alpha male doesn't have to concern himself with "making his wife happy" or "worrying that his wife will be angry" because the Alpha male concerns himself with "doing the right thing" which in this instance was caring for a child. The Alpha male freely admits when he has made a mistake because he knows that he had the right motivation. It's okay to f*ck up when you're trying to do the right thing as long as you don't give up on trying to do the right thing.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Another thought I had was that your W seems to me to be somebody who has a great deal of anxiety over parenting issues herself. A woman who was a confident mother would happily hand the baby over to her anxious husband and say "It's okay. They don't break that easily.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
