Be cautious SRT. It may sound great that she verbalized these feelings to you, but remember it's just words right now. Stand your ground. Don't cave in or backslide, you've worked hard day by day so far.
She has to be the one to "do it." If you've already helped with her IC, stop it right there. I know it's hard, wanting to help those you love, but it's time for "tough love." Let her do the work herself, be there for support and listen, but stand back. She apparently has her own issues to contend with so seeing a C will help her thru that and ending the A. But remember, keep low key, don't show much excitement. You don't want her to think you're going to help her get out of this mess. She needs to learn to clean it up herself. Sorry if it sounds mean, but don't forget tough love. Keep focusing on you and GAL. This cannot (unfortunately) be rushed. Keep us posted.
Not sure I will be posting much here from now on...I think things are pretty much done. I have decided to give up on the situation.
We are separating and I really feel like it is over. She is too infatuated with OM. She is moving out Nov 1st. She has had some good leads at finding a decent job and this has really energized her and convinced her she can survive on her own and now she is going full force forward with leaving. As much as I love her/loved her...I do not feel like I could ever trust her again. She continues to lie. I went into PI mode a while back (probably a mistake as this has really sabotaged everything now that I know all of the gorey details)...I think there has just been too much damage at this point. She would really need to convince me if I was ever to even consider taking her back.
I have given up on her. I am going to concentrate on myself and my son. My son will be staying with me and she is moving out to find an apartment. It is going to be rough being a single father of a 3 year old but I am kind of looking forward to the challenge. I am so thankful that I will have S3 full time. I want to remain friends with the W because I need her to be a good mother to our son and I will need her help. Plus I do not want a messy divorce. Those are the reasons I think it is best she leaves asap...while we are in the same house I foresee things getting worse and worse...I cannot deal with the A and she refuses to end it...we will both be hitting our heads against the wall.
I am going to stop trying to convince her to stay and am really trying to push her out. I think it will be the best for both of us. She needs to be out on her own. I feel like I am a good catch still and I can find a new wife in time and start over...without baggage and try to do things right this time. I know one thing I will be lot more cautious on entering another marriage...I need to pay attention to the red flags. I have a very good job, I am physically fit, hopefully will be able to keep my house...I figure I should be a good catch.
I sound confident but part of me is still in a lot of pain...I do love my W dearly and hate to see it end in divorce. I just refuse to live with the affair...I don't know how you guys/gals live with it while it is going on...I do not have that strength. I refuse to accept it.
What hurts me is I think divorce is the worst thing for S3 but at this point I see no other way. Luckily I have a close family who I am sure will support and help me immensely. Time to start the next chapter in my life.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
SRT you have had the courage to draw the line where you felt it had to be drawn, you suffer no lack of strength! Your attitude is wonderful, I think you are viewing this properly e.g. staying friendly with W for son. I would urge you not to give up yet though! Now that she is going out on her own she will be living the "fantasy" and at some point may realize the grass ain't greener in fact it dies without nurturing!. You can pick up the pieces and YES she has a hell of a lot to do to earn your trust back and I know you will make sure she knows it!! Hang tight and I hope you do drop by the boards to share what's happening in your life and also to help us by sharing your thoughts and experiences. You've done what you believe is right, you can't ever go wrong doing the right thing. Good luck.
Quote: I sound confident but part of me is still in a lot of pain...I do love my W dearly and hate to see it end in divorce. I just refuse to live with the affair...I don't know how you guys/gals live with it while it is going on...I do not have that strength. I refuse to accept it.
You've stood your ground wonderfully and I believe w/all my being that you are doing the right thing, I also couldnt stand such a travesty, knowint my S is still infatuated. I also agree w/the above post, don't give up. The fantasy is bound to fade, once she realizes that Op isnt' the knight in shining armour, reality WILL set in inevitably, she'll see him for who he is. She'll seem exited at the prospects of a new place/job, but again, her fantasy world can only go so far.
I very much understand the hurt of knowing too much, I uncovered almost EVERY detail of my H's affair, and when I mean every detail I mean it. It's been 3mths since my discoveries, and just found out more stuff. So we can either go mad stewing over the details or fight tooth and nail to get that nasty stuff of us, to stand our ground w/ourselves and put huge STOP signs on our heads.
Being confident but in pain isnt' an oxymoron, of course you are going to hurt! take it one day at a time, dont' give in to D ideas yet, we all have our despair moments. Keep being a good dad for that little boy)))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks for the kind words. I am actually in a good mood today. I feel relieved to have some closure and decisions made. I don't know that it is necessarily the end for us but it is for now...wife really insists she is not leaving because of OM...she just wants to be free...part of me believes, part doesn't...it is likely a combination of the two...if there was no OM she would not be leaving now...but I do believe her when she says she has no intention of having a long term relationship with him. I do know she wants freedom to make her own choices...she has never had that in her life. Thought I would share a little letter I wrote to the wife today.
--------------- W,
Another letter from little old me…hopefully a happy letter. I have come to accept you are leaving…I am no longer going to try and talk you into staying. This is kind of where I wanted to get to, I am glad you have made a decision. Now I feel like I can move on with my life and stop being such a basket case. Please do not tell me you want to stay any more…or you don’t know what you want to do unless you are dead serious about wanting to stay. I am in an accepting place right now and do not really want to get dragged down that path unless you are absolutely serious. I am not going to deny I would welcome you back if that is your desire but I just do not see that…I think you are going to do wonderfully on your own.
Now that we are friends again I would like to offer you some advice…friend to friend…I know you are sick of my advice as a husband but now this is coming hopefully from one of you lifelong best friends. First…yes I would like to be your friend forever…you can always come to me if you need to talk and need someone to listen. I will be there for you…I do still care very much for you and always will. We have been very important parts of each others life and I hope we can continue to be that way as great friends. We have a huge responsibility of raising S3 and we need to both be strong for him. Do not let other people force us apart…I will not.
Here is my advice…I will beat your ass if you get into another long term love relationship right now. Do not fall in love again! I know we talked a little this morning about this but I wanted to email anyway. I will be so disappointed in you if you do not spend the next couple years on your own. Have lots of boyfriends…have lots of relationships…make friends…experience what you think you have been missing…protect yourself. I hope in the next few months you can see me as your boy toy once in awhile. I would love to share some passion with you once again. I think you will see me in a different light now that we are just going to be friends. I hope you can lose some of the hate/anger that you have for me now that we will no longer have a husband – wife relationship. Focus on your new career. Focus on making something of yourself. Be one of the women from Sex in the City! Don’t let men decide your destiny. You are going to be a very busy woman and I expect a lot from you…I expect you to succeed!
I don’t know if we are over for good. I know I say that I think we are over but really I do not know what the future holds for us. I know we will always be close because of S3 and who knows what could happen…you have a certain magic over me and occupy a big part of my heart and if you come to me in a year and say you are madly in love with me again I do not think I could fight you off ;-). I am certainly going to move on with my life but I also am not really looking for a long term love relationship any time soon. My main focus is going to be S3. I know I will be ok. I am a very smart person and I think I do know who I am and what I need in life.
New chapters in our lives are starting…lets make them successful and happy. Lets have some fun again. ------------------
It is still hard but I feel relieved. Time to move on...I am sure I will check in here once in awhile...provide an update. May start a new thread in the Separated forum...I really appreciate all of the advice and support. It has helped.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
SRT, I loved three of four paragraphs. But when you tell her how to run her love life...too much, guy! Tell her you are confident she will lead her life in a way that is healthy for herself and her family or whatever way you put it BUT don't tell her what R she can and can't have or threaten violence, even as a joke (custody, remember, and this is in writing!). Also I wouldn't tell her you're open for a little boffing, it's confusing. Otherwise, it is a beautiful heartfelt letter and will bring her to tears, I'm sure of it cuz I'm almost there myself!
I think she will take that paragraph ok...because it is exactly what she tells me she wants. We have talked in length about that subject and what she is after so I am just kind of trying confirm her desire and goals...remind her of why she is doing what she is doing. I know her...and I know the last thing she wants is to get herself into another longterm relationship...so she will take it how it's meant to be taken.
In fact I just had lunch with her...and it is odd. I arrived in a good mood with my new attitude and by the end of the lunch we were flirting uncontrollably. I know she is leaving but I still like playing around with her and kind of letting her realize I can be fun and in a good mood again. I like being happy...I want to kind of play this game with her for now...make her enjoy being around me again. I kind of feel like we are no longer married and am trying to detach myself from caring about what else she does but that does not mean I can't be attractive to her when we are together. I figure this is our best hope of eventually having something again. It is like now I feel like I can really DB when I no longer concern myself about what she does when she is not with me.
About the boffing...this again is her ideal scenario...she has told me she figures when we separate she is going to miss me and want me more than ever...I know it is a little odd...and probably makes things more confusing for myself more than anyone but I just really want to kind of enjoy it and not read anything into it...I do not know how I will handle it yet or if I will be able to...I am hoping to be able to share some intimate moments yet still remain somewhat detached...I just want to think of her as kind of a girlfriend for now...one that I do not have any claim too.
She seems kind of certain that after a year or so she wants to come back and be a mother and my wife again...now personally I am not as certain about it...but for now I will play along and really who knows maybe she is right.
This is still all very new...kind of playing around with stuff...see what I can and cannot handle...test the limits...think about what I really want out of my relationship with her. Eventually I plan on dating other women and that may change things between me and the W...I do not think she will mind if I date (she encourages me to do that) but I am kind of a one woman man so if I get serious at all with someone else I will cut off any serious affection with W.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
you know best, guy! But, please take out the "I'll beat your ass" part. Again, that could be a custody issue down the line. Also, be careful about the sex stuff with her. I know that my sitch is different but when I ML with my W, believing I would just take it for what it was, I had a very hard time NOT expecting more emotional intimacy afterwards. Just a caution. Otherwise you sound pretty grounded, that's good to hear. Keep in mind your moods are gonna swing up and down for a while. I'm glad today is a good day.
Depressed. W is out of town...went to spend the week with an old friend...to supposedly clear her head but more likely to party every night. Actually had a very fun day yesterday...just me and S3 hanging out and visiting some friends. This morning though a few things threw me for a loop.
Really trying to detach. Finding it so hard...because even after everything that has went on and all I know I still have very strong feelings for the W. We went to a concert Friday...and had a great time together. I really feel like if I DB-ed up a storm and really worked on myself eventually she would come back to me and I could have her back...the problem is now I do not feel like I want her back. I just feel like there is too much damage, I don't think that I could ever get past what happenned. How could I ever trust her again? It is like part of me wants to try because of S3 because I think it would be best for him...but part of me is so afraid that even if eventually we get past this that it will likely just happen again and I do not want to go through this pain again.
I started seeing a counselor by myself and she is pushing me towards detaching/divorcing/setting clear boundries etc...for my own sanity. W is still saying she is not even thinking about divorce...told her she probably should start considering it because that is likely where we are headed once she leaves. It is so odd to me that she is so blinded that she can't see things at least a little clearer...most times she does not even understand why I am upset.
Took my son to day care for the first time this morning and he is not happy about it...asked about his mommy...do not even know what to tell him? Breaks my heart and makes me so angry to leave him there with him in tears and know the W is doing this to him and me. I hope it will get easier when she moves out...I think it will be easier to start letting go with her out of the picture most days...problem is she still plans on being around 3-4 days a week to see S3 and just visit with me. It would be easier if I did not have to see her at all...I need to get to the point where I just see W as a friend and nothing else...it is going to take some time.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
SRT, you don't have to decide your whole life today! Take it as it comes. You are in a challenging time in your sitch, take care of yourself, the future will be what it will be. What you feel now may not be what you feel a year from now. Remember, you took the wheel so now you have to keep your eyes on the road. Stick to that for now.
