Quote: You should be his anchor but are choosing to let him sink.
He has sunk me! He has put me in a place of such grief and pain. I barely want to get up in the morning anymore. I hate myself all day everyday . . . because I must not be good enough. Why the hell would everyone in my life ALWAYS walk out.
He was refuge from all the pain . . . I took comfort in him from the moment I met him . . . because I could fake ANYTHING with ANYONE and he always saw through my bullshit. He always knew when I was really hurt. He was willing to take on me . . . he was willing to try to love me. And I just kept pushing him away. Now it's over. AND IT'S MY FAULT. It's my fault for pushing him away and always trying to keep him at a distance for all those years. He's found someone else . . . someone that can love him. I can't. I mean I do . . . I love him soooo much. But I can't do it right. I'm too screwed up I guess.
I'm trapping him. It's time to let go. I'll move on . . . but I will NEVER be with anyone else. I respect myself that much. He was my shot and I [censored] it all up and now it's time . . . it's time to just move out of his way. Look at all the wonderful things he does for himself since I got out of the picture. He got a GOOD job for once . . . that will actually make enough money to cover all the bills PLUS. I am like poison. Look at me. . . I sit here rotting. I can't find another job . . . . . . I can't do a goddamn thing right. I am trying to do the best thing. I see no other option. That's every thought in my head. I couldn't see the screen typing this. I hope it satisfys what you needed to hear. That's me . . . that's my heart poured out as best as I can.
Emily, I have been reading your sitch and I have never said anything until now. I have been exactly where you are right now... I had ALL the negative thoughts you are having right now... BUT this is not about him... This is about you... Get strong for yourself - forget about him. Stop being so negative about yourself - it only hurts you and drives you into a tailspin - which it sounds like you are in right now...
Please take this just as someone saying, Pick yourslef up. No person is worth the pain you are causing yourself... You can control your feelings - so do it!! Stay strong, stay positive, and stop compaining about how you are feeling and saying that he is causing your pain... You control how you react to everything, so stop reacting this way...
I know it is not that easy, but it does get easier with time... You may hate me for saying all of this, but again, I have been where you are... It took a lot of love from my family and friends and a lot of reading and relaxing on my part to finally realize that my H is going to do whatever he wants. BUT I CAN CONTROL how I react to it and to him...
Okay - I have rambled... Keep your head up.... You can do this... You can handle it, you feel low now - but at least know that there is no place to go but UP!!!
I can honestly see no way to end these circles he's dragging me in . . then to throw it completely off track. It may be faulty logic. But the only way I see to end this . . . is to get divorced.
I will be fine. I'll be better once he's out of my life. I mean it was wonderful to see him the other night . . . but in the back of my head I was praying that it wasn't a "bribe" so that he could get out of coming to see me this weekend.
His phone is still off . . still no word from him. What am I suppose to think? Whenever he has a weekend off . . this is what he does. I am done fussing around with him. Can't you see what I see?
Hey Emily , I have totally obsessed just like you are, but it only made me nuts... YOU are driving yourself crazy... I mean it - I did it too... Yes, I can see - but what I see is you freaking out when you CAN control your feelings....
OMG - I hate that you are feeling this way... I have emailed my lawyer after feeling what you feel many times...
Divorce may solve it, but divorce won't heal you!!!! Help yourself to close the doors on him if that is what you want...
BUT - most importantly, stop obsessing, you are doing it, he ain't doin' sh!t, but living his life, which you are not because you are obsessing over him...
Stop worrying about him, worry about you - go out, have some fun, go see a movie by yourself - I did that and I LOVE it!!!
I know you will be fine, but it seems you are panicky - but you can stop that. Relax, take a bath, cry your fuc*ing eyes out. SCREAM... I did it and it all made me feel so much better...
Get control of yourself. You can do it, just try. Breath!!!
This is all my opinion based on my own experience, but chill, you are stressing yourself out - no one else is...
Thanks . . I've hit the lowest spot I've ever been in my life.
I'm going to call my H and tell him I'll sign his divorce papers (he didn't file because he wants to do it online and they told him if boths parties won't just sign then they cannot do it for him and he'll have to go with a lawyer and court and all that jazz) . . . but I want HIM to take the girls.
I can't even find a job . . . I've been looking. I don't want to have to leave my sick 2 month old at all . . . but. . . I cannot continue to live the way I have been. He actually has money now and they deserve that. Maybe . . . Oh God . . my poor babies. I just don't feel like I can do any of this anymore. I cry all the time. I feel so bad for Felina. At least Cassie would be happy. . . maybe the girls would be better off. I just don't feel up to one more day . . . not one . . .
Okay - I agree that you are at the lowest point in your life, BUT you can pull yourself out of it...
IMO - Do not call your H and tell him anything. If he truly wants the D - let him do the work, don't make it easy for him... Do not call him, pretend as if you are totally indifferent... You can do it...
You CAN find a job, but you are so damn down on yourself, that you may be portraying that to potential employers, be confident in yourself and your skills and get the damn job...
I am not sure if you have a separation agreement, but you need one. You need to speak to a lawyer to make sure that you and your babies are taken care of. I did it, and now if H falls behind, I can run his ass into court...
You have got to stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself. Your H is not going to hep you right now, your daughters are too young to help you, so get off your ass and help yourself... You can do this. Don't worry about yucky H...Worry about you and your girls and YOU give them the life they and you deserve...
One more day - Honey - you have a ton, believe me, but just stop crying and be happy. Make yourself be happy. DOn't you think this negative attitude of yours is affecting your girls???
Screw your H, screw your negative attitude, and be healthy and happy for the girls... Stop feeling sorry for yourself and take control of YOUR PART of the situation - only you can do that - not anyone else...
It's already done. I'm just waiting for a call back. I'm hoping he'll come get them this weekend. I know he'll be out on the road a lot . . . but they deserve the life he can give them.
I can't do anything. I'm trapped in my own mind and body. I don't have a driver license. . . I haven't had a job since December when he kicked me out and I had to quit. The jobs up here are SOOO limited . . . and unfortunately my hours are sooo limited that no one will hire me for the hours I can work. I'm just worthless. Can I get better? YES! Do my girls deserve better now though? HELL YES! I've been miserable all day. I've cried and yelled and stormed around . . . and just been awful. I've laid flat on the kitchen floor twice today and just bawled. After I called my H I puked in the sink. . . I just cannot do this anymore. He wins. He can have it all. I don't deserve those babies. They deserve better. I love them enough to see that. Maybe giving up your kids is hereditary . . . maybe it's a mistake. If this is how my mother felt . . then God Bless her soul! The pain . . .
Quote: I'm going to call my H and tell him I'll sign his divorce papers (he didn't file because he wants to do it online and they told him if boths parties won't just sign then they cannot do it for him and he'll have to go with a lawyer and court and all that jazz) . . . but I want HIM to take the girls.
You're in a very deep spot in the valley and I have learned that it is ALWAYS stupid to make a move from that position.
But I see that you have already done so.
You would be making a mistake to leave your girls with him. You are setting yourself up to never be any better and to never rise above this and having let the girls go would be your the reason whether you realized it or not.
You really need to stand STILL and CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.
I am speaking from experience so trust me when I tell you you are going to regret even THINKING of leaving your girls.
And WHO THE HELL CARES what might or might not make Cassie happy?!
Do you really want that tramp to mother your daughters!???
Them roll over and stand the hell up!
MANY, MANY, MANY women have been in your position and have successfully pulled their families out of poverty and raised outstanding children.
Emily, Please get professional help. You're not seeing things clearly. You're going down that swirling hole and trying to grab on to things that are not there. The only certain things in your life are your girls and you're letting them go. If you want to help yourslef and your girls that's what you have to do. Get to a psychiatrist - there should be one at your local county hospital. Look online.
Here is the PA Mental Health Agency: Office of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services P.O. Box 2675 Harrisburg, PA 17105-2675 Phone: 717-787-6443 Fax: 717-787-5394
They can help you find someone to see. You really need to do this. It's no use us trying to show you what's really going on, you wont see it. Please see someone. You're doing things you will regret tomorrow. This too shall pass.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
