Well, I have got to say that just two weeks ago my situation seemed hopeless. So, I am now very happy to be optimistic enough to be in the piecing forum.
Two weeks ago, after months of unhappiness and us getting nowhere, my H left a letter for me saying he finally wanted a divorce. I knew this was coming for months. We had only been married two years, but both of us were very involved in our graduate degrees and we lost sight of each other. My H left for the weekend on a trip, and I had the weekend to start grieving the loss of my marriage.
When my H came back, I was DBing up a storm. I had spent the night at my parent's house and taken the dog, so he would wonder where I was. When I finally did come home (to him sitting in the dark and crying - first time I saw emotion from him in months!) I just went straight to my room to bed. He followed me and asked if we could talk, he said about how he is more confused now than ever, etc. I was polite and nice but tried to show him that I was okay without him.
The next day when I came home from work he had written me another letter (by this point, this seemed like the only way he could get his feelings out). This letter was much better, however. He had read parts of The Five Love Languages and realized that we could make each other happy again, with work. He asked me to stay his wife.
Since then, things have been better. We have been doing things for each other. The thing is, he is scared that we will slip back to our old ways, and I am scared that he will leave if things get tough (like when we have kids, etc.) We have been trying to communicate more, but we are both kind of clueless as to how to start piecing together.
Hi and welcome. That was my H's #1 fear, that we'd just go and act the same again, that he'd forget all the C seesions we had, etc. Though your separation was very brief, it was an eye opener. You now can make plans and make it a point to make each other a priority, attend marriage seminars now and then, get out of town together more often, read relationship books together, I've heard lots of great things about Passionate Marriage, my fav book right now is "for women only: what you need to know about the inner lives of man" boy it is an eye opener!
His fear is rational, but it's nothing he can't conquer. Do try counceling, my H and I never believed in councelors nor therapists, we thougth it was ridiculous to pay someone just to listen, but it isnt' that way, the right person will show you guys the path and unearth other issues that might be the cause of tension between you two. For example, I never thought that my chilhood with my drinking parents lead me to always be defensive, to jump at something my H would say that I didnt' agree, because when I was a child I never was in control of my sitch, thus that anger/fear shown in the way I behaved. You both will benefit greatly, I wish you the best, and you guys will be more connected by the time you have kids if you two work it out now.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
great news and I'm very happy for you and your H. Its always good to hear about a fast turnaround.
cat03 is right on about an approach you can take to avoid taking the "wrong turn" again. I would also focus on how you argue as a couple - most of what I've read lists constructive argument as one of the critical factors in a long term relationship.
I hope to be in the same sitch as you in a few weeks as my W is moving back - will be moving my thread to piecing at that time (don't want to prejudice the outcome by moving too soon!!). We have the same concerns as you and your H - how to avoid going back to the way we were - and will be continuing with MC for at least a while to help us out.
