My H just recently had an affair. And ended it w/ the OW. I w/held sex for only a week because I wasnt ready. I continue to have sex, but I feel awful most of the time. Only a couple times when I felt we really made Love, I felt good about it. I want to stop completly but I feel it wouldnt be fair to him. I dont fear he will turn to her or anyone else, I just want to go about this the right way. Does sex get any easier? Or will it always be a ? in my mind?
Kim
Me34
H39
married 10 yrs
S12
D8
D6
b/g twins 2
b/g twins 1
H had PA 5/06 ended it 8/06
Sorry this has happened to you. To hold back sex as punishment would indeed be a bad choice but to not feel ready to re-engage in sex is a different story. Your H has inflicted the most deep kind of pain one S can do to another S. Certainly, he probably wants to put it all behind him asap and carry on like before. You do not nor should you want to! Check out DR as it talks a great deal about healing from an affair. You need time to resolve this loss and, yes, when you are betrayed it is a loss, a loss of trust. The person you most trusted in this world has turned on you in an awful way. This is fact. You hurt, you should. Healing takes time. He has taken a step in ending his A and that should be recognized. It does not give him the right to just expect you to carry on business as usual. So, don't "hold back" but heal instead. Keep us posted.
It's not black or white. Initially you "gave in" because you felt it the right thing to do. Now you realize, for yourself, you need more time to truly enjoy the experience again. A loving and remorseful H will understand this. Don't put your feelings and needs on the backburner or you are telling him that he can to. Discuss it with him in an honest and caring way. He needs to know what's happening with you too. I know it feels harder to say "I thought it would be OK, but I realize it's not yet" but it is the right thing to do. Take care of yourself. Just my two cents!
Whoa. Your hopping around a bit on the threads here. Took me a minute or two to find you...though I aint that bright.
I agree with whatisis. IF your H is truly remoseful and not just back because he is feeling guilty (there is a difference) he will understand. Just take some tact in your approach and find the right time to discuss this.
This is part of the healing process for both of y'all. It is a volitile time for the both of you.
You may not can show him love with sex, but there are other ways you can. Show him love in those ways. Hopefully he is doing the same for you.
Yeah, I kinda am jumping around. When I first posted, I went straight to newcomers. But then I thought that I probably fit the extramartial affair forum better.
I guess I knew the answer to the question, before I asked it. I know I need to talk to him about it. But I think I want it as bad as as I dont want it. Make sense? I am weak when it comes to that area. I always cave. Even when we met. As for him to understand, I know he would. He would continue to try, but not push.
I feel I dont fit "The mold".Are him and I not being honest with ourselves? I have been trying to soul search and go over our past, and it really has been good, until the affair. Well, until the 2nd set of twins. Which were born in Nov. But I cant even say that. Because for 4 months after thier birth he was a miracle man. He was wonderful. All I did was compliment him and Kiss his butt for how great he was. Then BAM he changed into a miserable self centered coc.So I knew it was the stress from the house and kids. So I really dont take this affair personal. I know I was doing the best job I could with 7 kids and 4 babies, and a household. Not to mention a MLC victim. I cant even say it is a MLC. Its was only 4 months. But he did buy a motorcycle, and thought the world revovled around him. But anyways He swears up and down that It was not me at all. I did not push him in anyway to do this. But I still cant help but 2nd guess.
Thanks!
Kim
Me34
H39
married 10 yrs
S12
D8
D6
b/g twins 2
b/g twins 1
H had PA 5/06 ended it 8/06
Maybe it was the stress. I don't know. He made a selfish decision and he changed and acted selfishly. It is good it only lasted four months. For your M sake and for his sake, he needs to be honest with himself of why he did what he did.
Keep in mind he is not a victim, but he used SOMETHING as an excuse. He needs to identify what that thing or combinations of things were. That way he will not go that path again. It may not be an affair, but it will be something else.
I was being sarcastic, when I called him a "victim".
But I went to bed some what happy last night. I told him how I felt about the sex. He agreed with me, that I should be confused about the whole sex thing. SO he definately tried, but did not push. And I went to bed with a smile on my face. I really am confused about this though, because then I think that maybe the intamacy can bring us closer.
Kim
Me34
H39
married 10 yrs
S12
D8
D6
b/g twins 2
b/g twins 1
H had PA 5/06 ended it 8/06
Way to go, Kim! Without that talk you really couldn't progress any further in healing. You can't begin healing by choking back resentment and feeling even more violated. That isn't the way to fix a M. You did great! That talk was for both of you. These little successes are really quite empowering, aren't they. Now your H also has to think about what you need again. Keep at it!
