Not one affair, but anothe OW in the wings!

[ReDesigner]

Oh my gosh... I don't know what to do! My husband of 24 years has been involved with a woman on the opposite coast. He claims he's "in love" with her. He told our 14-year old daughter he will marry her someday. This is the same day that he announced we would not be living together as a family, but would live in separate apartments once we sell the house.

Now, it's become clear to me that there's another OW waiting in the wings, in case the long distance one doesn't work out. This OW lives in the same city and has been working closely with my husband on various projects in line with his work. She is a bitter divorcee who went as far as changing her son's name to her last name. I just learned today from my daughter that whenever my husband has a problem with his family, he calls this woman. My daughter has been doing things with this woman. On the weekend, she invite my daughter out to the movies, then on Sunday, she took her shopping to her son's boutique. Her 27-year old son is a fashion model, but owns the shop as a main source of income. My daughter says he's "hot." Meanwhile, his mommy seems to be trying to further ingratiate herself by throwing a "surprise party" for my husband's birthday this week! My daughter told me when I asked her what else she wanted to do for her father's birthday. She asked me not to be angry or blame anyone, but there was a surprise party already planned. When she asked this OW about inviting me, the woman told her "Your dad probably wouldn't like that."

He completely ignored my birthday in April. I was quite hurt, especially since the next day, after my birthday, the long-distance OW called to talk to him on our home phone. (I believe she was bawling him out because one of my other friends sent a Dr. Phil "Advice for the woman dating a married man."

Now my daughter has said I shouldn't be so "small" as to not do anything for his birthday. I got him a funny card, but I do not plan to get him a gift.

What do you think? I'm getting annoyed at this other interfering woman in town who claims she's his "friend" and my husband's terrible behaviour towards me.

We are in mediation. I'm planning to move out this month once the agreement has gone to the lawyer for legalization.

I do not want a divorce, but I'm trying my best to be cool about this and get on with my life, in hopes that he'll soon see what he is losing in our family.

Suggestions?

[JokerMan]

He as you, one OW and then another one too??? Two OW and you???

My suggestion...run to the best lawyer you can find.

One affair is bad enough, but he has a plan "b" OW. IMO that's too calculated.

Hope others will disagree with me and give you better advice.

[ReDesigner]

I'm not completely sure about OW #2. It's the behaviour that indicates she is interested. He calls her "friend" and has said there's a lot about her that annoys him. It seems like it's more a one-way street... the OW #2 has designs on him that he doesn't realise because he's too ga-ga over the other one on the other coast. Get this... she has 4 kids, two of them, teenagers! Can't help but think this is a recipe for disaster anyway you look at it!

Lawyer... we're just working on the separation agreement. I can't get out of here fast enough to keep my sanity! I can't divorce bust until all these other people are out of the picture, if that ever happens!

Thanks for your opinion anyway.

[JokerMan]

I may have had a knee jerk reaction when I read your post last night. Hopefully others with more experince and wisdom can give you a point of view that will help you and your situation.

This is also a shamless bump of your thread.

[superstressed]

TS,

Of course you can DB with all the other women in the wings. That's the whole point. I find it very hard to believe your H is gaga over ow#1 if he has an ow#2.

Anyway, what you really need to do is determine what you want. If you decide you cannot get over two As, then so be it. Believe me, I know how hard it is to get over two.

But, if you decide you still love your H and want things to work out, you are going to need to dig deep and find a way to truly forgive him and understand the role you both played in the unraveling of your M. I struggle with this at times, but I think it was a crucial step in my H and I rebuilding our M. That doesn't mean it's our fault our Hs went out and cheated. It just means understanding why they did what they did--an overreaction to not having some of their needs met.

At some point, one of you is going to have to be the bigger person. In my M it was me. I told my H how sorry I was for taking him for granted and not caring about all the things that stressed him out. Eventually he came around and stopped doing some of the things that drove me nuts. Change won't happen overnight, but it can happen.

I'm a little confused by your sitch but it appears you are still living together. I would recommend staying under the same roof as long as possible. It gets exponentially harder to repair your M when one of you moves out.

As for the two ow, take heart. You've had 24 years with your H and they will never know him as you have. That's a lot of history to compete with.


SuperStressed

[JokerMan]

RE: superstressed post

See TS. Told you someone would step up. Gotta love this board.

[Rere]

Hi TS,

If you want this man, do not move out!!!! Once you are separated it's much harder to reconcile.

Have you purchased a copy of Michelle's Divorce Remedy? If not you can buy a copy on this site or on Amazon.com. Get it and read it.

Get a life. This is called GALing, and it simply means to focus on your life, your happiness, yourself. Find a new hobby, begin a new exercise program or physical fitness program. I took up Taekwondo two years ago and have my brown belt.

Read all of the R books that you can. Forget the OW one and two!!! We manifest what we think about and dwell on, so if you think about these OWomen, they will be in your life. Whenever you feel sad and depressed about your H and the sitch, simply find a fantasy of the two of you happy and him committed to you. This works, but you have to work at it at first. There are all kinds of materials out there on creative visualization and manifesting your desires.

Visualize the end result that you want. Do this every day and often. Picture youself and your husband living together and happy.

Would your H go into M counseling with you? Look up IMAGO counseling on the Web. Put in your state and find a therapist who specializes in this. Ask your H if he will go. If he won't at this point, find yourself a counselor.

Read other people's sitches, but especially focus on the successful ones.

I love Waye Dyer's tapes called, "The Secrets of The Power of Intention." These tapes and Hayhouseradio.com have helped me tremendously.

Remember, the more you think, talk about, dwell on your sadness, the more these things will remain in your life. Our thoughts really create our reality.

Good luck
Rere

[ReDesigner]

Dear Rere,
Thank you for setting me back on the DB track. Yes, I have and re-read Divorce Remedy often. Yes, I was planning to move out this month. We are in the same house because it's not sold. My daughter is starting a new school in the area we hoped to live to be closer to town. It is far from our current house. My husband refused to move out because he said we can't afford it. It's true, but I got some cash from friends and relatives, since I don't have a steady job and I'm going to use that for rent. The rest I hope will come from the separation agreement and any work I can scrape up.

I am trying to get on with my life, but it's summer here and not much going. I'm working however, on launching a business that doesn't exist here. I'm very excited about that and have found partners to work with me in the planning stages. We just moved to this city about 2 years ago, so we don't have many close friends yet. Everyone we know is far away in this city or way out of town. I've also been working out now for almost 2 years and I've never looked so buff or felt so fit in about 20 years! Sorry to say, my husband doesn't look this good, but obviously, there are women who think he does!

Today is my spouse's birthday. He chose not to get me anything for my birthday in April and I was thinking of giving him the same. I broke down and gave him a funny card. My daughter insisted on showering him with gifts. I helped her including picking out gifts, but did not put my name to anything. I did give him a big hug and praised him this morning because he was invited to do an interview on the radio. He did a great job, so I let him know. He responded by hugging me back, but would not let me kiss him on the lips. This was the first time he hugged me back and I was surprised, but we hugged in front of our daughter, so maybe it was just a show. It's hard to say.

I dare not be too optimistic. However, I will take your visualization suggestions on board. I remember what it was like to be a happy couple. I often dream that this is what it is, then I wake-up... My H has re-written our history and refuses to acknowledge anything good about us. He has cast everything about me in a negative light and everything I do in a worse light. I wanted to move because I can't take the verbal abuse, the name-calling and the emotional abuse of affairs.

Yes, we have been to Imago counselling. My husband walked out when our daughter was 6 and then we reconciled, but not completely and correctly. Our Imago counselling only lasted for 3 months, then we couldn't afford it because my husband refused to claim the expenses under his health insurance. We could have lasted longer had he done this. We were just getting to the issues he was holding in for such a long time, too. We discovered he has sex and love addiction and I believe that it's come out again with this last most serious affair. He refuses to attend any counselling with me. I've been going on my own for 9 months to a marriage-friendly counsellor. I'm also well-read now in the area, but still discovering lots every day - especially on this board. My husband doesn't speak to others about his interior life, only to the two people who don't know him well and are distorting our reality.

Thank you so much for reminding me about our thoughts creating our reality. It is so true and I must practice it more effectively! I saw Dr. Dyer's PBS show and was thoroughly impressed with the notions, so maybe I'd better get out of my dumps and work on that. I'm still packing though. Even if things work out, there is still room in my new apt. to accommodate my H if he breaks up with the OW and decides to come home to his family.

Cautiously optimistic,
TS

[ReDesigner]

Dear Superstressed,
Yes, we are still living in the same house. He moved out of our bedroom in December when he felt it "disloyal" to the OW to sleep in the same bed as his own wife! He moved into the guest room and has been there ever since. We have had our house for sale for a few months. We wanted to move closer to the centre of town because the commute for him is too stressful and long during peak hours. (I think this contributed to our problems.) The house is also a money-gobbler and we've been renovating since we moved in two years, almost three years ago.

I'm not sure whether I can be "big" again. I told him a few months ago that I was doing a lot of introspection and had concluded that I took him for granted and took my eye off the ball concerning our relationship. I have also told him that I forgave him for the two previous affairs he had, knowing that there were a lot of strains in our lives that may have caused this. I explained I realised that there were times I didn't really listen and understand him the way he wanted. Not only did I say these things, I also emailed him while I was away. He has never replied to me about my admissions. He has never explained why he keeps having affairs. To be honest, I don't think he knows why. He only knows he's "unhappy" but hasn't delved deeply into why he behaves as he does.

Do you think it still should be repeated? I am learning more about myself every day, but am also learning how far he still needs to develop. How much should I repeat that I have made mistakes? He already believes I have been screwing up and might use my admissions as more justifications for his infidelities. How big do I need to get? Bigger and more generous still?

I understand that he is so distracted by his affair that he cannot truly hear me, let alone process what I am saying. I can write him a letter, but I don't know whether he will read it, or throw it out. This is the other reason for my moving out.

I do understand it will be a whole lot harder for me to reinforce DB, but I also realize that he feels mostly anger and depression around me. The OW gives him a positive reflection of himself. The reflection I give him is his own guilt and anger. That's one reason I feel I must remove myself, so he realizes he will still feel these things when I'm not in the picture. The longer I hang around as the scapegoat, the longer he will stay in the fantasy that I'm the cause of all his problems.

You make a very good point about 24 years together or knowing each other in a way the OW will never. I think it'll be pretty funny, actually for this surprise party tonight. I once did that for him early in our marriage. He told me "never" throw a surprise party again. He just hates them!
Touché!

Gratefully,
TS

[princess_nic]

TS,

I really have no advice re. the A and I see you're getting some good stuff from others anyway. However, I wanted to comment on this:

We are in mediation. I'm planning to move out this month once the agreement has gone to the lawyer for legalization.

I am in Quebec, too. We have not actually gone for a legal S at this point, but I looked into mediation and decided not to do it b/c I wanted (a) to have someone on MY side alone and (b) not to discuss how to break up our family casually around a table. Is your mediator a L? Do you have your own L? You should have a L that you can ask to look over the agreement--NOT a joint L. A mediator will tell you if what you have is legal, but cannot take sides so probably won't tell you if are getting a good or bad deal. Your S agreement will become your D agreement if you go that route, so please be careful.