It's been a long time since I checked into this forum and sure enough all my friends are still here! As a long term scheduler (Friday nights as you may remember) I really do think that a schedule is the place to start then hopefully build from there. Knowing I won't get rejected is such a lovely feeling and 30+ times a year is a lot better than 3! We have been married for 25 years next month and I had kinda thought that would be time to call it a day but instead we have organised a big party and I have to say I'm quite happy with things. I still have those moments where I feel unloved (her love language is a complete mystery to me) but I get over them. My drive has diminished a lot over the last year or so and I must confess (but keep it to yourselves) that some Fridays I can't really be bothered - I still do though! Love to you all. SD xxx
Good to hear from you and congratulations on the big 25. I do seem to recall you considering the greener grass on the other side. 30X a year, sure that would be fine with me and I'm glad you are getting that. Also, you have always spoken about your W with respect, even when you were frustrated with her. That's admirable.
Thanks for the congrats... I came to the conclusion that my problem was that we were locked in a cycle of me initiating and her rejecting which over time became our "default" behaviour. It took me to get the courage together - after reading the SSM and PM books and with a lot of help from you all - to suggest that we really had to do something to break the bad habit and try the once a week Just Do It as Michele suggests. To my amazement (and my DW is very ND and very strong willed) she [who obviously knew we had a problem] agreed and has stayed with it ever since so that it has now become our default behaviour. Try talking to her and disclosing the fact that you want, and believe that you both deserve a better more passionate marriage and suggest the once a week schedule. It's got to be worth a try. SD
Quote: This concept-- sex as a bonding ritual in marriage-- is brilliant. Every word of that original post is brilliant.
Thanks. The idea came to me as I was having one of my sentimental impending "empty nest" moments. I live in a picture perfect Midwestern small town. I was thinking about how I used to appreciate the changing scenery of my own neighborhood more when I had small children I had to walk along the same path to school each morning. Then I thought about how I probably didn't really appreciate this as much when I actually was doing it. I was a "just do it" sort of child-walker. I didn't have an active or conscious desire to experience holding a little hand or watch the trees change color as the school year commenced but still the appreciation of these things would come upon me.
Anyway, this made me think about how routines in relationships can become rituals, at least in retrospect. The word "ritual" made me think of the obvious example of the devout woman who might have to drag a less than willing spouse to church each Sunday. If she was very devout and very firm in her conviction that her H must accompany her to church no matter what, then eventually even his Sunday morning grumbling would become ritualized and innocuous. I know I am venturing into the way over the top maudlin here, but the thought I had was what would happen when the woman died? Would her H wake up the next Sunday and think "Yippee, now I can sleep in." or would he take comfort in continuing the ritual of attending church?
By applying this concept to the issue of sex within marriage, I was able to see that my problem was a lack of conviction. If I truly believed that a regular sex life was a good thing and essential to the happiness of a marriage then I should be able to withstand any sort of defensive behavior my H might dish out. I think what IHJ said in her post was very true. You have to get rid of your sense of entitlement and resentment, not because it is "wrong" to feel this way, but because it is emotionally draining. You can't have a sense of conviction that you are doing the right thing if you are filled with anger and need. You need brass balls to solve the problem of a SSM and you can only go so far on false bravado which is what a sense of entitlement and resentment will get you. You need the courage of your convictions to really succeed.
P.S.- I should add here that I only really learned this in retrospect. I feel as though I floundered my way into success and now I can see how much better my marriage could have been all along if a lack of self-esteem and self-discipline hadn't hindered me from acting from the courage of my convictions. I can't even explain the way in which my view of my marriage has altered over the last few weeks. I will find myself slipping into fused thought and I realize that I don't have to think that way anymore, like when you wake up from a nightmare about high school and the anxiety instantly leaves you because you realize that is no longer your issue and a place to which you will never,ever choose to return.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: WTG to your H for not balking at the ritual...that shows a tremendous amount of working through the issues.
Yes, I do have to give my H a lot of credit. I have the support of all you guys and he's had to work though all his resentment and other issues on his own. I think at this point he is mostly relieved that we have come to this agreement and therefore totally disinclined to throw a monkeywrench in the works by balking. Also, I have relaxed enough to be my naturally flirtatious self because I don't have to worry about rejection or the sort of pre-emptive strikes such behavior might have led to in the past. Therefore, our feedback loop is becoming increasingly positive rather than negative. Also, it is much easier to simply enjoy each other's company without that dratted elephant in the room. We just had a wonderful weekend. The funny thing is that the sex wasn't even the best part of the weekend IMO but I know that a lack of sex would have ruined it for me just like a lack of breakfast would have ruined the long hike we took in the woods Sunday morning.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Another thing that had me confused was "What is the difference between feeling like you are entitled to sex and feeling like you deserve sex?". Why does one have a bad connotation but not the other? I mean a LDW might be thinking "My H feels like he is entitled to sex just because he bought me roses and cleaned the garage." while her H might simultaneously be thinking "I am a good H. I cleaned the garage and bought roses. I deserve sex.". So, although it is important to have enough self-esteem to feel like you deserve to have sex, IMO you need to transcend this realm of thinking in order to succeed. I mean few of us are perfect but we don't, for instance, come home from a bad day from work and think "I really f*cked up that deal. I don't deserve any dinner tonight.". We realize that eating a healthy dinner is part of what we do to take care of ourselves so that hopefully we can have a better day at work tomorrow. If we don't act out of the courage of our convictions in order to ensure that we get what we need in order to function healthily within the context of our marriage we are doing ourselves AND our spouses a great disservice. We are damning them to an unhappy marriage as we do the same to ourselves. Therefore, the sort of conviction we need is not "I am entitled to sex because I am married" or "I deserve sex because I am a good spouse" or "I need sex because I am HD and will feel miserable without it." but rather " I must do whatever possible to ensure that I have sex on a regular basis because I know that as a HD person I will not function well in my marriage without it.". We are better off proceeding from a conviction based on self-acceptance rather than one based on self-esteem probably because self-acceptance is the bedrock upon which true self-esteem is built. If we are truly self-accepting than "other-validation" would never be needed.
Of course, self-acceptance only comes with self-knowledge. Some HD folk might actually find that they don't need that much sex to function well once they've overcome validation and fusion issues. Others, like myself, might discover that they really do need it in some basic way like they need exercise or vitamin C once they can separate their true need for activity and nourishment from their over-the-top fantasies for circuses and cake . I feel less like a "sex-maniac" and more confirmed in my conviction that I do need regular sex now that I realize how much better I function when I have it twice a week. This makes me more inclined to be committed to a relationship with a man who is willing to meet this important need of mine, whatever his motivation, rather than seeking elsewhere for a higher level of passion or desire.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Re Mojo By applying this concept to the issue of sex within marriage, I was able to see that my problem was a lack of conviction. If I truly believed that a regular sex life was a good thing and essential to the happiness of a marriage then I should be able to withstand any sort of defensive behavior my H might dish out. A good concept but difficult to carry out when a person is working from a deficit position, IE Hairdog, Lostgal, me, some/most of the time.
I believe a regular sex life is good and a necessary part of a M, some of our partners see it otherwise.
(deserve or entitled to a sexual relationship)IMO you need to transcend this realm of thinking in order to succeed. I see where this helps JJ.
I must do whatever possible to ensure that I have sex on a regular basis because I know that as a HD person I will not function well in my marriage without it.". We are better off proceeding from a conviction based on self-acceptance rather than one based on self-esteem probably because self-acceptance is the bedrock upon which true self-esteem is built. If we are truly self-accepting than "other-validation" would never be needed. Wow, that is super unfused.
Jenny, I am happy for you. When is your first book signing taking place?
I can't believe how wonderfully things are going in my situation. My H is affection personified and he is actually initiating sex more often than we scheduled. So, of course, my nerdy mind must know "Why? What did I finally do right, if anything?". I have a theory (of course- LOL) but I'm wondering how you guys from your third-party perspective view my situation. What do you guys think I finally did right?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
. I feel less like a "sex-maniac" and more confirmed in my conviction that I do need regular sex now that I realize how much better I function when I have it twice a week. This makes me more inclined to be committed to a relationship with a man who is willing to meet this important need of mine, whatever his motivation, rather than seeking elsewhere for a higher level of passion or desire. 
When is your first book signing taking place? 