Mine is a unique situation...my husband is leaving for Iraq in less than a week and I am struggling with his recent infidelity. We found out that he had orders to leave about 2 1/2 months ago, and 6 weeks ago I found out that he has been seeing someone else. It was a short but very intense emotional and physical affair. She says that she is in love with him. I don't believe that he has stopped communication with her, although I have asked him to tell her that it is over. I have intercepted emails and text messages from her, yet he says that he wants to be with me...that he wants to come home to our family. I am left feeling hurt and confused and running out of precious time to spend with him before he leaves. We have some great days together, spending time alone together (our sex life has never been as active), with our children and traveling to see family. Then I will find an email or a text message from her and it ruins any good feelings that have grown between us and I am filled with jealousy. I know that he will have unrestricted access to her while he is gone through email and IM as we have bought a laptop for him to take with, so I won't know if he is continuing a relationship with her. I am already facing a year and a half of uncertainty, it will be hard enough not having him here and worrying about his safety, let alone dealing with this. How can I keep my sanity and my marriage together??
I have been browsing this site for almost 2 months now but have never posted. Then I came accross your stitch and my heart goes out to you. My husband is currently in Iraq right now. He will be coming back in September though. I won't go in to too much detail other than to say at the end of May we hit a serious crisis and almost threw away 8 years of marriage. Not sure if he was going through a MLC but it seemed like a good description. After reading both books Divorce remedy and Divorce buster and reading the post almost daily I was able to start getting a handle on things. His problem was he is a very attractive man but growing up his brother got all of the attention. While in Iraq he was hit on alot by other females and finally realized he is good looking. Not to mention I was moody as hell when he started telling me about possible rumors going around about him and other women. My husband is a natural flirt, and he loves attention. I don't think he cheated cause he is high ranking and that would be his career but it did make him think he could do better than me. Long story short, we almost divorced over stupid crap. Your situation is a bit different than mine. First off, what's his (your husband's)rank? The army does still frown on adultry and you may be able to talk to his chain of command. Second, go and see the Chaplain who will be deploying with him. My husband's chaplain had alot to do with us staying together, he helped out so much. Most of the Chaplains think divorce is not an option nor is adultry. You at least need to go to the Chaplain on your own first and explain the situation to him or her. Gte there advice o how to proceed. They are not only counselor's they also know all of the Army rules and regulations. Save the chain of command as a last ditch effort cause it could get him into trouble.
Another thing, after he leaves you might want to take advantage of the couselor's on post. Get the two books I spoke about earlier too. As far as the other woman, I seriously doubt she will wait on him to return. She might like it at first but she will soon grow bored with him because he is out of the picture and she will want someone she can get her claws into now.
Your husband is probably going to change alot while he is over there, be prepared, he might not be the same person when he gets back. Our chaplain told me that the guys over there really start thinking about there lives and what they want etc. My husband did in the negative sense but hopefully yours will do it in the positive sense.
Definately get a life while he's gone! If he sees or hears a "new" you, someone fun and happy and mysterious it's definately going to keep him on his toes and get him very curious about who this new person is. I wish you the best. Just try and hang in there ok. See the chaplain and listen to his advice. If you need me just post back and I'll be looking at the daily post.
I agree, it's not like he is going to a party, he is going to war. His time will be very limited and controlled in that environment. He's not going to have a lot of time to think about OP. When he lays in bed at night after a tense day, he will most likely be thinking of what is secure. YOU.
I would GAL too. Use this oportunity to rediscover yourself and make any changes in you, you feel is neccessary. He will wonder what your up to! As dangerous as this can be, it could also be exactly what your marriage needs to make it perfect!
Learn to laugh at it. People are people and everyone is human. Choose how you will act and don't re-act.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. My H left today for training and I might not see him again before he leaves for Iraq. The 6 weeks leading up to today were so much harder than actually seeing him off. I feel relieved that the anticipation of him leaving is over. Let me give you some background on our situation....
My H is an E-5 in the Army Reserves. He has been called to active duty for 18 months and is deploying with a small detachment of only 13 people. I don't even know who his chaplain would be since there isn't one with his group. He was enlisted in the Navy when we were married 13 years ago, so we have been through deployments before. He was gone when both of our chidren were born which was very hard on me. I forced him to get out of the military when our youngest was only a few months old and that is one of the issues that has brought our marriage to this point. He has resented me ever since for taking that comraderie away, he missed the lifestyle that I had grown to hate. So about 3 years ago he met a woman at work that was an Army reservist, over time they developed a relationship and he decided to join the Army to be closer to her. Several months later he moved in with her and that is when I found DB. I know that were it not for the information and techniques that I found in that book I wouldn't be married today. Slowly I won him over and about 6 months after he left, he decided to come home. For that first year after he came home I was constantly on edge, evaluating every situation so that I could make the most of the opportunity I was given to make my marriage work. It didn't take long for me to realize that while he was at home and said that he didn't want to be anywhere else, he was not completely with me either. I know that he didn't see the OW or talk to her during that time but I think he was grieving for their relationship. That took a toll on me and I stopped trying so hard, until eventually we were right back in the same place we had been before he left.
That is where the new OW comes in. She is a friend of a friend, someone that my husband has known since high school. She is someone that he has never liked to be around, he has talked openly about how she is not a good mother and that she is very promiscuous. It isn't like he didn't know what he was getting involved with! This spring we started to see more and more of her, she started to come to dinner with my family and our mutual friends family every week. I was always there and was not in any way threatened by her because I knew very well what my H's impression of her was. In April I was promoted at work which required different schedules and more time spent away from home. It was something that my H and I talked about at length before I decided to take the offer, I was already concerned about how it would affect our marriage. The weekly dinners continued, just without me. And then I noticed that they were spending more and more time together, even taking a picnic with our children on Memorial Day. Looking back, that is when I should have put my foot down. But I chose to bury my head in the sand and that is when their relationship began. By then he had received his orders to deploy and I just can't understand what either of them hoped to gain by starting an affair 2 1/2 months before he had to leave.
I got a message that she sent to him on Wed that said, "Just wanted to say thanks for making this week suck. I wish I didn't love you." I can only hope that means that he didn't make time to spend with her in his last week before he left and that she is angry at him. I asked my H before he left to please tell her it was over and he did text her once to break it off, but she just replied with, "That's funny, that isn't what you said on Thursday." She knew that he wouldn't say that on his own and sent that response so that I would know they were together. I feel like he has gotten into a situation that he either doesn't know how or is choosing not to get out of. I know that where he is going is not a party, but he will be working 12 on 24 off and will have plenty of time to cultivate their relationship through email, IM or even webcam. How do I compete??
