Read through the Super Success Story thread. It references a book as PM or Passionate marriage, I think. Does anyone know if that book is the one by David Snarch? Is it still revelant? Or can someone recommend one better?
The thread starting on page 4 talks about some concepts which may apply to me so I would like to read it.
For the regular SSM-ers, the Schnarch site is worth visiting, if you haven't been there in a while. It's been dusted off and beefed up. There's an opportunity to take his four-day intensive for a reduced fee or even free!
There's also a quiz about your sex life. No one here will be surprised at their own results, but here are the overall results, that may be surprising:
Quote: Survey Statistics 278 people have filled out this survey
1. How often do you and your partner have sex (on average)? 13% Not in the last year 18% Several times a year 30% Once or twice a month 28% Once or twice a week 11% Four or five times a week
2. What are the longest periods you have gone without having sex together? 22% 7 months to a year or more 17% 3-6 months 27% 1-2 months 17% 2-3 weeks 17% A week
3. Just how passionate and erotic is your sexual relationship? 13% Sex is non-existent 15% Sex is passionless, mechanical, and non-erotic 50% Sex is friendly but predictable and uninspired, lacking in creativity and spontaneity 18% Sex is pretty steamy 4% If it got any hotter, our bed might catch fire
4. How much intimacy and emotional connection is present when you have sex? 17% Sex is an intense meeting of our minds and souls, and not just our bodies. 22% Sex is a little personal, but much of 'who I am sexually' never really shows. 33% Sex is mostly on trading orgasms. 17% There is no joining. I spend most of my time fantasizing about other partners, or thinking about other things. 11% Sex is non-existent
5. Do you and your partner structure your relationship to avoid sex and intimacy? 23% We go to bed at the same time and use it as a time to connect including sexually. 25% We go to bed at the same time and connect, but it rarely leads to sex 28% We go to bed at the same time, but there is no physical or emotional connection between us. 13% We go to bed at different times to avoid having sex. 12% We sleep in different bedrooms or live apart much of the time.
6. How often do you and your partner kiss during sex? 34% We kiss multiple times in almost every sexual encounter 16% We kiss at least once in three quarters of our sexual encounters 14% We kiss at least once in half of our sexual encounters 25% We rarely kiss when we have sex 10% We never have sex
7. Do you and your partner ever have eyes-open sex? 14% I and/or my partner sometimes have orgasms while looking into each others eyes. 37% We sometimes make eye-contact during sex. 14% We open our eyes, but never make eye-contact 25% One or both of us keep our eyes closed during sex. 10% We never have sex
8. Do you and/or your partner have sexual dysfunctions (problems with lubrication or erections, or orgasms)? 28% Neither of us have difficulty getting aroused or having orgasms. 15% I am (and/or my partner is) slow to arouse, but once we get started, we don’t have any difficulties. 25% One or both of us occasionally have difficulty with arousal and/or orgasms. 23% One or both of us frequently have difficulty with arousal and/or orgasms. 9% We never have sex
9. Do you or your partner struggle with low desire to have sex (before you start)? 33% Almost always 25% Usually 23% Sometimes 12% Rarely 8% Never
10. Do you or your partner have problems with lack of desire during sex? 20% Almost always 16% Usually 28% Sometimes 20% Rarely 16% Never
Category Statistics 15% Sex is Dead (10-20 points)
34% Sex is comatose and in danger of dying (21-29 points)
22% Sex is asleep and needs a wake-up call (30-35 points)
18% Sex is alive and well (36-42 points)
12% You have a robust erotic and passionate sexual relationship (43-50 points)
Of course, the sample group is certainly not random, as it would be only a self-selected population that would visit this site and take the quiz. But of those taking the quiz, fully 70% have troubled sexual relationships as measured by Schnarch's questions.
Quote: Six Tips for Creating a More Passionate Relationship
1. Operate from the Best in Yourself. If you're like most people, you have a scared, angry, vindictive, or lazy side that limits the quality of your sexual relationship. However, you don't have to let that side of you run your marriage. Instead, operate from the best in you, from the resilient part of yourself. Bring forth the solid part of you that wants to have a better relationship. Reach out from the best in you to the best in your partner, both in and out of bed. That's where the best sex in your life comes from. Remind yourself of what is good, admirable, and competent about you, and about your partner. Relate to your mate as if he or she has the capacity to change and develop further as a person.
2. Sustain eye contact with each other out of bed. Many couples stop making emotional contact, even if they still have sex. Here's a quick and meaningful (but not easy) way to get back in touch, or at least bring your awkwardness with each other to the forefront: Make an agreement with your partner to look into each other's eyes for at least five minutes in a quiet, private place. Do this without talking. This is not a staring contest, but rather, taking time to really look into each other and let yourself be seen. Before you begin, take a moment to get seated comfortably, soften your eyes, and relax your face. Make yourself receptive to your partner; let him or her connect with you. Deliberately lower your emotional barriers. Expect to run into your own resistances, and note them in the back of your mind. Afterwards, discuss the experience with your partner. Do this several times a week, until silent gazing is warm and inviting.
3. Try Hugging 'till Relaxed. Here's a terrific was to get more in touch with your partner while also getting a better grip on yourself. It turns a simple hug into a window into your relationship and a way to improve it. Prepare yourself by taking a few minutes to slow down, relax, and slow your heart rate. Then stand facing your partner a few feet away. Get a balanced, well-grounded stance over your own two feet. Close your eyes, take a breath, and relax again. Open your eyes, and when the two of you are ready, shuffle forward without loosing your relaxed balanced position, so that you have one foot between your partner's feet. Get close enough that you can easily put your arms around your partner without feeling off balance, or pulling or pushing your partner off-balance either. Shift your stance or position as needed to be physically comfortable. Let yourself relax into the hug and remember to breathe. Lots of feelings about your partner, your relationship and yourself are bound to surface. Note your resistances but don't give into them. Afterwards, talk about the experience with your partner. It often takes several months of practice, several times a week, but you'll be amazed by the many improvements this brings. Hugging 'till Relaxed is fully described in the book Passionate Marriage.
4. Make eye contact in bed. This great activity builds on the two previous suggestions. "Heads on pillows" combines eye gazing with a relaxed physical connection, and brings it into the bedroom. Pick a time when you won't be disturbed. Lay down in bed (or the living room floor) with your clothes on or off. Lie on your side, facing your partner. Put your head on your own pillow and have your partner do likewise. Move your pillows far enough apart so your mate doesn't look like a Cyclops. Do the same relaxed eye gazing described in Tip #2. If you feel the urge to touch your partner, touch his face or hold his hand. Stay away from genitals and buttocks until both of you can reach a relaxed connection with some reliability. Subsequently you can expand this activity to include foreplay and intercourse, but it's more important to establish a resilient collaborative alliance than arouse each other. Ultimately, you can bridge this into reaching orgasm while looking into each other. Heads on pillows is explained in detail in the book Resurrecting Sex.
5. Change your style of sexual interactions. Do you usually wait for your partner to make the first move? Although you and your partner may touch each other, are you typically more the giver or the receiver when you have sex? Are you a take-charge person or the more passive participant? Identify your typical role in sex and deliberately change it. Change the predominant overall tone or themes that characterize your sexual relationship. Ask your partner to join with you in intentionally making these changes, or do them unilaterally. Remember, your partner will probably be as nervous as you are, so don't expect him to support you emotionally. Be patient with your partner and yourself. Approach this as practice validating, accepting, and supporting yourself in your relationship with your partner. (For more on the emotional politics of changing your sexual relationship consult Resurrecting Sex.)
6. Pay attention to depth of involvement with your partner during sex. When you and your partner are actually having sex, you are using one (or more) of three primary psychological mind-sets. These are focused on (1) physical sensations, (2) playing out sexual fantasies, and (3) engaging your partner. People focus most on physical sensations and sex games and fantasies. Instead, focus on engaging your partner during sex. Pay attention to what your partner seems to be thinking and feeling, rather than simply trying to bring him or her to orgasm. Try to establish a deeper emotional connection. Emphasize the special relationship you're trying to develop, rather than getting lost in your sensations, or playing out sexual scripts that turn you on. Once you and your partner are good at "partner engagement," you can work as a team to create terrific sexual sensations and play out your most erotic turn-ons. (Dimensions of sexual experience are discussed more fully in Passionate Marriage.)
Wow...ask for a title here and you get surveys and excerpts too. Thanks for the reply.
Have any of you read the book? In the thread I read a male talked about it making a difference because he became more aggressive in his ML. Or something to that affect.
I loved his books.... I mean, reading the excerpt from the web site, how could you NOT love his stuff. He's fantastic, fabulous, exciting, stimulating. I think everyone who reads Schnarch loves him, whether the reader is male or female. Putting his ideas into practice with a real, live partner is something else again.
Most of us regular posters on this site have read EVERY relationship book under the sun, but reading only takes you so far. Many have been/are in therapy, which can be immensely helpful, too. You have to do a LOT of work on yourself, cultivate humility so you can see your own part in the relationship dynamics, rmake yourself vulnerable to your partner, rid yourself of bad/destructive relationship habits (anger, nagging, pouting, passive/aggressive behavior, criticism, micromanaging, controlling, and many others), recognize what your partner is willing and not willing to do, be prepared to deliver and stick to boundaries, and possibly an ultimatum. You have to recognize that you cannot change another person. An intimate relationship is Spiritual Boot Camp... at least it has always been that for me.
Today is my fourth anniversary of meeting my bf. Many of the people here have been struggling with sex-starved marriages for DECADES. A sobering thought, eh?
Re your question: do you have the idea that a man might be more open to Schnarch's ideas and a woman more resistant? Or vice versa?
It is a deep and complex read, no regular 'self-help' book. It is phenomenal, but you really have to hang with it and go slowly. It was originally written for a professional audience of his peers, and then taken to the public, with all the psych lingo and terminology watered-down for a general audience. It certainly is not written in Michele's friendly, talkative tone, but that doesn't mean it isn't a good read.
My best advice to you if/when you read this, is not to see your partner in it all over the place, but to see yourself, kwis?
In any event, it is an excellent, excellent book, one worth reading, if you can hang with it and absorb it, bit by bit.
I guess my perception from the thread (about the book) I read was a little bit different. LOL!
I have just been thinking about the numerous reasons to why my W has become LD: hormones, age, birth control pill (no longer taking them), bored...
and the number one reason I worry about, is that it is because of me. Am I boring, do I not excite her, am I too piggish in my approach etc...
So I thought this book had an excerpt about men being more passionate in their lovemaking which is what I was interested in reading.
But after a week of devouring these threads, I am coming to the conclusions that it is all about perspective. And that it may have nothing to do with the lovemaking but rather what I am doing outside of the lovemaking. (If it is me)
I think many of us could tell you that your W's LD has NOTHING to do with your LM'ing....it definitely has to do with influences outside of the bedroom.
I can't think of one person who has participated on this BB whose issues truly stemmed from lovemaking....can anyone else think of anyone? Very frequently they seem to stemm from FOO (family of origin) issues, or just simply people becoming caught up in their lives/children/work...and losing that emotional connection with their spouse/SO...and with losing that connection comes losing "intimacy" in many ways.
