Nine Months and loosing ground

[Spirit_of_Hope]

MW,

First, deepest sympathies for the loss of your friend. If there is anything that I can do from Chicago, please do not hesitate to call. . .anytime.

Second, on your latest R news. . . I am sooo happy for you!! I was just gonna shoot you a message and then I saw your post. This is a huge swing.

My only advice will be for you to give her all the space she needs after her procedure. It will be tough for next couple of weeks, especially while OM is still around. If you feel like you may do something that could ruin the progress you have made, get on the board and make a post to vent or call me at home!!!

I hope to see your story on "Success Stories" section in the coming months.

I will update you on what is going on here soon. . . .watch my thread. Things are sloooowwwly getting better. Less contact with OM and more quality time with ME

Keep DBing!!

TT

[missingwifey]

What can I say Tony. You have been my rock man. I just can't thank you enough.

I am trying not to get to excited about my sitch, but at minimum she is making me believe that she cares....in MLCer's kinda warped sense of reality.

I am so happy to hear that your W is starting to see the light. You know my thoughts and prays are with you guys. I'm going to jump on over to your thread and take a looksie.
All my best.
Don

[MonicaP]

Hi MW,

I found your thread. I'm sorry you're going through all this, my prayers are with you.

I can definitely relate to the *hell* of infidelity and the impact of it on the children. When my H dropped the bomb last October I thought I would die. Of course I was devastated to be losing my H, but I was equally - if not more so - distraught about the impact our break-up would have on our S4. The first few months were a killer, at first I couldn't stop crying and the guilt I felt about doing that in front of my S4 was too much for me - I went on an antideprassant. It helps.

Since those first months and DB'ing, I have gotten a new perspective. I no longer feel completely devastated for my S4 - I think it's because I have decided to place my positive energy on supporting their R and I see it paying off. I do my best to ONLY deal with my H through our co-parenting responsibilities. I bring up all the cute things our S4 does, I make sure to give him some of S4's artwork, I make every effort not to undermine - but to raise up - H in S4's eyes.

Last February I proposed that we go to a MC for the sake of co-parenting and fortunately (and to my surprise) H agreed. I stuck to that committment and ONLY talked about our S4 in C. What happened was my H started bringing up our R. I went along with it, but never pressured or added anything that wasn't "called for".

Then - about 2 months ago - I snooped into a website link he had left (accidentally?) on my computer. I saw pic of Ow and H writing about how they met. I was sick. Eventually I said I wanted to stop MC. To my surprise he proposed we continue 1/mos. I found us a new MC (immensley better than the previous MC!) and we both have agreed we want to *understand* how this has happened.

The message I want my S4 to get is that - no matter what - I am going to do everything in my power to support his R with his daddy and I will not put him in the middle. I tell him that there is nothing he did and there's nothing he can do to change this - it's a grown-up problem that daddy and I are trying to make better.

I've read books on how to help my child through this and I pray a lot! I have found that my S4 feels safest when I am doing well and when I'm happy. My H comes several times a week (not always 100% consistently) to be with S. I think my S4 has adjusted to this "new normal" although he still misses daddy.

Well, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted to share some hope.

It sounds like your W is *addicted* to R with Om and - just like a drug/drink problem - she will most likely have to hit bottom before she admits a problem. That's how I view my H anyway. No amount of pleading, seducing, reality-testing will snap him out of it, that's something that's between H and God. I actually use a little Al-anon daily reader which always gives the perfect message on how to deal with (detach from) my H.

Ok, sorry, I'll stop now...

Take care. Breathe. Pray. Let it all go. Love your kids. Love yourself.

We'll be ok

[missingwifey]

Thank you for stopping by my curb MonicaP. I believe you are absolutely correct that she is "addicted". Like you said, there really isn't anything we can do until they hit rock bottom. Being with my kids is my salvation. I so admire and respect the position you have taken with your H. Patience is certainly something that we can't have a shortage of being in the positions we are in.

You talked about keeping your son out of the middle it. Well, her addiction has created a new problem that is putting S9 directly in the middle of the sh*% storm.
At least 4 times my W has promised S9 that he would no longer have to see or be around OM. S9 delikes OM (to put it mildly). I do not encourage S9 to dislike OM...he just does. His mother has not kept this promise, not even for one day. Yesterday, S9 had had enough and wouldn't get out of bed. OM threatened to take his football away if he didn't get up....obviously doesn't know S9. S9 told him "to take the football". W came back in S9's room and S9 said "you promised I wouldn't have to see OM anymore. I don't like him". OM was within an earshot and heard this and W knew it. She grabbed S9 and spanked him saying (of all things) that S9 was "selfish".

When W dropped off the kids to me to go to her procedure. W was in tears and S9 would even talk. W told me part of the story and said that S9 needed to move in with me. I said nothing. All I could think to say to S9 is that "Mommy was having a bad day and that she Loves you very much". I don't know what to do to protect S9. I certainly don't want to force him to be around OM. I could really use any advice on how to help S9 deal with this.

[MonicaP]

Hi M.W.,

It hurts me to hear what you're going through with your *selfish* W. Yes, she is surely in the throes of her addiction to Om and isn't seeing anything clearly. As a mom myself, I have a hard time believing when I hear about another mom behaving that way toward her child - unfortunately it happens all too often. Sounds like she is so self-absorbed and not seeing her own behavior. What type of mom was she up 'til now? Was spanking the norm?

Is there any chance at appealing to her maternal instinct?

The way I approached my H was to say that - "no matter what happens between us - we are S4's parents forever and we must find a way to work together". I've been very consistent about that - never bringing up our M (outside of recent MC) and in some instances when he has tried to make excuses I simply say "what you do is none of my business except as it relates to S4 and joint finances". His excuses have become laughable yet he continues to feel the need to make something up. Why?

So far my H has been able to meet his responsibilities toward S4 (or at least to the degree I can expect under the circumstances). I have made it clear that he is not to introduce S4 to Ow for at least 6 more months (should be around January now) and he has agreed. I told him that I will have to meet her first before she is in my S4's life. I think my H is so confused internally that he doesn't even want to deal with all that, so I guess I'm "lucky".

In your case, is it feasible for S9 to live with you? If so, I say go for it! It can only be better for your S9. As tempting as it might be to want to F-up Om's fun by having S9 around to hate him it doesn't sound healthy for your S9.

I will pray for your sitch.

I'll keep checking in..

[missingwifey]

Thanks again MonicaP

What type of mom was she up 'til now? Was spanking the norm? Is there any chance at appealing to her maternal instinct?

Prior to being with OM she was the best Mother any kid (or father)could ever ask for. She never put anything in front of the children. She has only spanked S9 maybe three times in his entire life. I don't believe I can appeal to her maternal instinct. Any time I have eluded to the fact that she been less than a perfect parent she responds with anger.
I have asked S9 to give her one more chance to honor her promise. He has agreed. I have also told him that if she lets him down again that he is more than welcome to live with me. I hope I am doing the right thing.