Nine Months and loosing ground

[missingwifey]

Well, she finally calls me to ask me where to pick up the kids. I say we at dinner now and I will call her when were through. She says I will just meet you where you are and the kids can eat at home. Not wanting to argue, I tell her to meet us at the park up the street.

She calls 10 minutes later says she can't find us despite my specific instructions. She is searching the street that runs below where we are. I tell her she is on the wrong street and she blows her top. I tell her I'm sorry your on the wrong street, but I never told you we were there....she is loosing it big time. Finally she gets to us, now two and half hours late. It's ok, more time for me, but no apologies as usual.

She looks at me like I'm some kind of alien...and says nothing. You would have thought that she was being chased by a bandit. She was nervous, anxious and doesn't even park. Didn't even roll down the window until I knocked on the glass and said "Hi". Grabs the kids and before I can say goodbye to them, zooms off while D5 screams out the window "I love you Daddy". I'm so dumbfounded that she has done this, I can't even get the words out to say "I Love you too" to D5. Great way to end my day. So, I picked up the chunk of my heart laying on the pavement, come home and my head is spinning. I am at the end of my rope guys. Things are so bad. I am willing to listen to any and all advice. I have picked my sorry A$% up from worse but today really got under my skin.

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Well, D, like you said. . . .you have been through worse. I can't explain her feelings since I am learning myself but we know that it is not about you. You have been a model citizen. It is just too bad that she is acting this way in front of the kids.

Keep DBing. . . .in the end you know you are doing the right thing. Remember that it "takes one to tango" and that you can continue the changes in yourself to turn your marriage around.

Shoot me an email if you'd like tonytamale at gmail dot com

Keep up the good work. . .tomorrow will be better.

TT

[grasshopper]

MW,

All I can say to you in relation to your post about "screwing up" is something said to me MANY times here, most forcefully by Oldtimer, is that you give yourself too much credit. ONE screwup will not end your marriage or your chances of saving it. MANY consistant screwups can and the fact that you know you did/said some things you regret is usually enough to get you to understand what NOT to do next time.

You said it yourself, there is 7 months of changes for her to look at and this one time where you just overflowed with emotion will not erase that any more than one isolated good deed will erase 7 months of bad ones. We ALL tend to over dramatize these things because we live under our own personal hellish microscope, examining every move and word for it's potential to help or hurt our sitch. Just know that single words and actions USUALLY don't have the power to do irrepaiarable harm to our sitches, no matter how much it seems like they do. Hell, our W's had affairs and we're still here, asking for more, so you can see how it may take more than a bad conversation to end things, even if she is looking for a reason to do just that.

Keep your chin up and just try to do better, whatever that is, next time.

GH

[missingwifey]

Thanks GH:
Yesterday was just another bad day..I appreciate you putting it into perspective. Up until recently, I saw so much promise (I always found hope). I realize that the hope lies within me and the actions I take. This is what will ultimately influence the outcome. I feel like she views me as the enemy right now..it hurts. I think going dark is the only option for me right now. I need to distance for my own good.

[missingwifey]

Well, the last two days my W has continued to show me no respect. I have taken the kids to help her out both days(this is after being with them 38 out of the last 34 days)for what was suppose to be "for a couple of hours". Well both days its been 9 or 10 hours. I am not complaining...its great to be with my kids, but what about a call to tell your going to be late? How saying "Hi" or "Thank you" when I drop them off. How about even noticing my existance. Tonight I get to her house to drop off the kids and I see the garage door is closed..only means one thing. OM is at the house (she promised me this wasn't going to happen anymore..just another lie). She comes out to sherpard the kids into the house and doesn't say anything to me...doesn't even look at me and goes back into the house. I think going dark is the only thing to do? I would appreciate any comments.

[missingwifey]

Well guys today was a big day. This morning Wifey called me and asked me to meet her at the court house to finalize the divorce. I said I would be willing to meet her another day and what was the rush. She said "It obvious that you have moved on and I don't think your up to any good and I want to finalize the divorce before you change it to hurt me". By the way, I am,in fact, pregnant and I am terminating it Wed. I immediately started crying and so did she.(More about this later)

I then said "Wifey I don't want this divorce". Fact is, and I shouldn't tell you this, but I still Love you. I always have. I was just giving you your space. To make a long story short, I really sold her that I was done with her (detaching and going dark). I then asked her if we could get together and talk. She said "sure, how about 3:30 her place". I said "OK". An hour before she got there I typed a letter to her (so I didn't screw up what I wanted to say). The letter basically told her I Loved her and some of the reasons (misunderstandings and miscommunications) that have brought us to where we are. I also told her that I have run out of patience with her being with the other man and that I want her to committ to saving our marriage together.

She read the letter and agreed with every word. I her told that I know we can make it work with what I have learned and that I want her to read DR before she makes a decision. I also told her that I totally understand her decision making process that lead to affair (from A to Z)and I ran it down for her. She was blown away. She said I hit the nail on the head. So, I handed DR and we took the kids to mall for a carousel ride and had dinner. I am going to see her all weekend. I am hoping to take kids away long enough for her to read DR. Wifey is a very smart woman. I truly believe if she reads DR (which she has committed to doing) That it will open her eyes. Not traditional DBing but I do not feel bad at all the way I handled today.....OK guys feel free to let me have it

[missingwifey]

I am at the crossroads. I spoke to Wifey today and asked her what time to meet her and the kids at her house (per our discussion yesterday). After three interrupted conversations (one interrupted by OM) she informed me that basically I wasn't going to see them at all this weekend. I told her that her actions speak louder than words. She than tried spin her way gracefully out of seeing me this weekend but the botton line was she obviously had no interest. I am going dark again. This will be it for me. If she eventually pursues, I hope it won't be to late. I have lost that loving feeling and I am letting go.

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Don, let me tell you that I think that you have done a fantastic job of trying to save your marriage. You have respected your wife's space, taken care of yourself, and have been spending valuable time with your children. You should be proud of yourself.

Remember that we can only change ourselves. We can't change our W's, only they can do that. I know every day seems like an eternity waiting for them to come back.

MW, you haven't done anything wrong. Obviously she is very confused and is having a hard time making rational decisions. I tell you that I see lots of signs of her not wanting to end your M. I really think these will continue to surface. Keep the faith and keep doing what you are doing.

TT

[missingwifey]

Do these WAW have a radar that sounds an alarm in their head when the LBS decides to let go for good? Mine does.

I emailed her a letter yesterday (last last resort). I didn't want to cry or stumble over my words or say anything that would be inappropriate. As soon as She got the email she she immediatley has S9 call me....knowing I wouldn't talk to her. A couple minutes into my conversation with S9 she grabs the phone. She tells me that she doesn't want to loose me and that she couldn't handle not talking with me anymore. I told that it was her decision and until OM is gone there is nothing for us to talk about other than the kid's needs.

We talked another 25 minutes and she invited me to come BBQ with her and the kids last night. Shocked, I accepted. I did say I would only do this if she was willing to start down the road of dumping OM. She said she was ready to talk. The jist of the our conversation at her house is this. She recognized the changes I have made....and likes what she sees. She is ready to end things with other man as soon as they conclude their business together (they have 4 listings and 2 in escrow right now). I told her I understood finishing their business (its alot of money). I also told her that I expected when their business is concluded that she cut off 100 percent of their contact and that we will probably have to move. She has agreed.

Tomorrow she goes into the hospital for her "procedure". Her mother is going with her and I am going to take the kids until she is up and around. She doesn't want to see me until next week some time because she thinks it will be to emotional for her. Many years ago she miscarried and had to have an emergency DNC. It was weeks of depression afterward. So, I am going to respect her wishes and stay away completely....I'm sure OM is going to be around which really upsets me. So thats where I at. Tony, thank you so much for your support. You were right there must have been signs I couldn't see because I had given up all hope and never would have thought that she would pursue me....especially immedaitely after saying goodbye to her.
I'll keep your guys posted....still not out of the woods.

[missingwifey]

Wifey called me in tears about an hour ago. A dear friend of mine (for 25 yrs.) just died. He had been stuggling with a drug addiction for years. It is so traggic. Wifey worked with him briefly he had been clean for two years and was doing great. He was engaged and had just bought his first home. He couldn't handle his success. Wifey just brought the kids to me we cried a little. I told her I LOVED her and she told me the same. The funeral is next Tuesday. Wifey will go with me. I don't know what to say guys. I just know that if this board wasn't here with your support I would be at the lowest place in my life with no one to talk to.