Is This Where I Belong?

[RedUmbrella]

Hello everyone,
I've moved over from MLC and I do hope this is the new forum that I belong in. Here are the links to my old threads. In chronological order....oldest to newest:

Lost and Confused
Not So Lost Anymore
Not So Lost Anymore 2
Not So Lost Anymore 3
Not So Lost Anymore 4
Not So Lost Anymore 5
Rounding The Bend

This may be a bit long, so I apologize in advance. Here's us:
Me: 27
H: 31
Married 8 years, together 10
S3, and SS10

H dropped the bomb on Thanksgiving '05.
Confessed to me about OGW(other gay woman) February 6th, 2006. Also confessed about F's neice (kissed her) and OW (ex gf) on this date also.
Decided to work on our M on that day.
Kissed OGW again (and went to her house to drink and get "closure") at the end of April.
Told me that he was sorry, and made a mistake. H said he was testing himself, but failed horribly.
Been around home a lot ever since.
Also, he never left our home. Talked about it all the time, but never followed through.

Things on the home front have been great. We get along well, and our sex lives are better. (Sex was one of H's major complaints in our M.) H has had some major childhood issues, and have come to terms with them. He knows that I love him unconditionally and that I accept him for who he is. Flaws and all.

H used to tell me that he had no emotions. He loved me but wanted to be alone. Wanted to be with other women, and wanted us to be friends. He did kiss other women, as inappropriate as it was. OGW was his employee, and could have resulted in him losing his job and a possible sexual harrassment suit.

I honestly don't know what the turn around was. Maybe the guilt was too much for him. Because although he claimed that he thought our kids would be "fine". I know deep down he knew that wasn't true. H also come from a broken family. He said that was the worst thing in his life. Knowing his Mom and Dad didn't live together, etc.

He no longer questions the changes that I have made to make our R and M a better one. He did a lot of questioning prior, which I can understand. But, I have stuck by and through all this. As difficult as it has been.

Now, I am dealing with a lot of issues. Most have subsided, but still pop up to the surface sometimes. I get angry about the OW and what he was doing. All the lying is the biggest hurdle to get over. I have lots of trust issues with him and hanging out with co-workers after work. (H would go to "happy hour" with OGW and her gf.)

H has been making his efforts to make me feel secure. He calls all the time, for no reason. And to let me know what time he'll be home, etc. if he's out. H no longer seems to want to "run away" from our kids. He seems to enjoy spending time with them now. I've noticed a big change with S3 in that matter. S3 would never be excited about H coming home, or S3 coming home and seeing Dad. Now, when S3 comes home from daycare, he runs to Dad. Gives a big hug and kisses. I know my H LOVES this. I think it's because S3 feels wanted now.

We are going out of town this weekend. H called MIL to see if she would be willing to watch S3. (As many parents know you don't always get to be "alone" a lot.) H told MIL that he wanted to take "his wife" out and do some fun things alone.

I guess, I don't know really why I am posting here. But, I do know I need to deal with the little ball of anger I have inside. Along with my trust issues. I've seen C's before and am on AD's. I used to have anxiety attacks, but resolved those on my own. (I was on meds, but detached so much that the anxiety attacks are gone.)

How does one deal with the anger of betrayal? Or deal with trust issues?

I think I've grown a lot over the past several months, but am dealing now with a lot of strange feelings. Sometimes feeling like I got the short end of the stick. Sometimes feeling like I should be overjoyed that he decided to come back to me. But, feel like I should have just booted him to the curb.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

P&S

[wed2alien]

How does one deal with the anger of betrayal? Or deal with trust issues?

I am not sure, but time helps. And myself deciding I didn't want to live my life having to think about H betrayal, OW, lies and the hurt I felt. I was ready to put it all behind me and begin living my life for me, in the present and not the past.
If H decided he wanted to be with me fine, but if he didn't I would move ahead without him. I had to get away from the hurt, forgive and move on. I was ready to forget this part of my life. Now realize it took 2 yrs post bomb to get to this point.

Now H did hear my anger many times as it surfaced. But how many times can you beat a dead horse. One of H fears was that I would never let him forget what he did, would always bring it up and make him feel bad. So I have worked hard never to mention it.

It helped that H was being honest, truthful, and looking to the future too. The past and what he did bothered him too and he didn't like to discuss it.

Does this make sense?

wed2

[cat03]

Hi there and welcome, we here at piecing have fought a lot with the same issues you have now, anger, betrayal and trust, we understand totally.

It wouldnt' be normal if you didn't feel that way, it's understandable, it hurts so much that our S's were with others and lots of us here have torture ourselves thinking it over and over and over...sickening ourselves.
I have just gone over that journey, there wasn't a day when I didn't think about my H and the OP, about the details, the things they did together, would check on him and overall through my snooping made myself more resentful and thus made things worse between us.

Check out Hopefloat's post "que sera sera" Once the MLC's leave the mothership, we shouldn't take them back there and point at their failures, remind them of their mistakes. By pondering about the OP we don't let us heal, we dont' let our S's heal. I feel so free now, I dont' have that monkey on my back, I can see that it took a lot from my H to come back, many, like my dear Always_14 have their H stuck on the blame and limbo of not being able to come back nor able to give anything to anyone.

Your H is back, you both get a second chance, what happened w/the OP was just him trying to feel a void with just ANYbody, it wasnt' about the OPs, it was him trying to quench his frustation with some sort of distraction, they meant nothing.

I remember crying and more than a few times telling my C "but it isn't fair!" when I felt I was shortchanged, and he said "no, it isn't" because we are the ones who have to forgive more. But, if we want these men as our Hs and we can see in our hearts we still love them it's our decision if we want them for good or not. And we have to forgive TOTALLY, for both our sakes.
Your H sounds like he is trying to earn your trust, which is good and what he should be doing. It will take a while, I barely trusted my H either, up to last month I still checked on him, his phone and stuff. Now I refuse to snoop and my trust has grown more each month, it does take time.

Welcome and be patient hun, it's ok to feel bumbed now and then, but let's enjoy that we have our family's back together again)))))))))))))

[RedUmbrella]

wed and cat,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I've moved over here from MLC. So, I still check in with all (or most) of the threads there.

I've stopped snooping for the most part. I used to check all the time, to see what he was doing. It gets way to tiring to do it, so I force myself to not do it.

This is a new thing for me. I've been hurt before and had built a wall around me, for a long time. Until I met my H. I thought, no one can hurt me ever. Nor nearly as bad as I had been hurt in the past. I thought my H was there to save me. Plus he had always placed himself up on this pedestal telling me he would "never" cheat on me, never lie to me, etc. So, I had no reason not to believe him.

The anger that I have inside has subsided a little. Although this weekend it did come out again. I have to remember to keep it in check. I don't want my H to think that I will never let it go. I do know that he knows I don't necessarily trust him entirely. Which I think is the reasons behind constantly checking in with me.

Although, I do not call him anymore while he is out with his friends. I used, but not anymore. I make him check in with me, if he thinks about it.

This weekend was okay. We went to pick up SS10, he was visiting his Mom for the summer. So, the thing that got me off on the wrong foot was MIL. Arrgh! She makes me so angry sometimes.

MIL believes everything that comes out of SS10's mouth. And I mean everything. He could tell her the sky was purple and falling, and she would believe him. So, in any case the first thing SS10 asks me is if he can now have an allowance. I told him that he didn't keep up his end of the deal. (he was supposed to behave at his Mom's...he didn't! He was horrible!) And MIL butted in and said no SS10 was perfect and his Mom was the whole problem. She basically screamed at me about it. I was so angry after that, and I held onto it more than I should have. I didn't feel I should have been berrated by someone that didn't really know what was going on.

So, anyhow later that night H and I went out with H's cousin and his gf. And their friends. I gambled most of the night alone. I was so angry that I didn't want to project that onto anyone. Then we all headed back to H's cousin's house. In the meantime cousin's gf got jealous because I guess cousin's friend's gf was flirting with cousin. They got into a huge fight, and thus cousin's gf decided to flirt with everyone. Including my H! H spent the majority of the evening with cousin's gf, talking. Gf was flirting, I was pissed! So, that was a mess!!! Cousin's gf disappeared once she realized that I knew what she was doing. I felt so stupid afterwards.

Sometimes the anger that I have creeps up on me. And jumps out of no where. I did apologize to H about my behavior. H did admit that he knew cousin's gf was flirting with him. I thought to myself then why the heck didn't you walk away! Plus cousin was right there!!!!

Although I have to applaude H for doing his best to keep me satisfied. H kept checking in with me during the evening giving me lots of hugs and kisses. Telling me ILY, so I felt like an a@$ when I fouled it up with my green eyed monster! H got a little angry with me about it. I wanted to apologize, but he wouldn't let me. I ended up in tears. H apologized because he said I should be angry not him. H had too much to drink, and wasn't necessarily thinking straight.

I don't know. H told me I was short with everyone this weekend. Which I am sure I was. I just don't know what to do. It takes a lot of energy, and I am tired. Just plain tired! I'm sorry if this is all jumbled. I am all jumbled right now.

I should apologize to H for being short with him this weekend. I'll have to do something nice...when I get home from work.

P&S

[fandgmom]

How does one deal with the anger of betrayal? Or deal with trust issues?

I think I've grown a lot over the past several months, but am dealing now with a lot of strange feelings. Sometimes feeling like I got the short end of the stick. Sometimes feeling like I should be overjoyed that he decided to come back to me. But, feel like I should have just booted him to the curb.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

P&S

Hey girlfriend,
I moved over here also. I am dealing with those same feelings. I am sure it is normal, but it is not easy, is it? Many days I do sit and ask myself if I am a fool for taking H back so easily? Then I remember how much I love this man and how much it means to me for my family to be together. Then I go back to the "but I don't deserve for things to be like this - for there to be such trust issues now and for me to feel so scared at times"

Wanted to say hi and send some hugs. Hope to hear from you soon.