Re GEL do you ever patiently tell her "That isn't what I said.... BTDT. sometimes it works. Sometimes it becomes a platform for BB telling me what (in her opinion) I really want to say but am too chicken to say it. If I go to no-chicken mode, BB usually finds more to prove her point.
I am trying to not have to explain things over and over again. Sometimes, something needs to be clarified but I also see the value in book/forum concept, "she heard it the first time."
We got a call to meet friends for lunch. I took a road that BB didn't think was the best way, she said we will be late going that way.
I said we will be on time and didn't mind the extra traffic. BB does the hand on the hips thing and said "fine, its about you." We got there 2 minuets early.
When we were about to turn left into the food place, BB said we will have trouble getting across the street. I said I am not worried and let one car pass, then made my left turn. BB felt more of the it's about me/Lou and more un-listened to.
We got into the parking lot and BB said there won't be a place to sit judging from all the cars in the parking lot. I said some of the cars are employee vehicles and never saw all of the seats taken the other times we were there, lets look inside before worrying about a place to sit. Once inside, about 40% of the seats were empty. Then the order line was too long for BB but what did that matter. I always do the ordering anyway.
Then I listened to an hour of cat care and rescue talk. Who bought which house, went golfing, or on an expensive vacation. No talk of who painted their house or things I normally do.
I feel out of touch of what other people do with their time. I guess I need to go on the "Wife Swap" program and get some fire put under me to join in on what people do these days instead of doing what I did in the 70's. Should I change my screen name to Red-neck or hillbilly Lou?
I just described an event to illustrate why I don't explain some things to BB. She has too many imaginary road blocks for me to solve. I think right now it is just better if I don't say too much IRL.
I've literally had to sit in front of my H and repeat (sometimes up to 7 times) "that's not what I said I have done "that is not what I said or wanted to imply." Then comes that is the way "she feels, or has a different opinion" which is another way to tell me I can't convince her of much anything, hence the "why try" attitude sometimes. GEL, I hear you but don't know when to explain something over and when not to.
I sense a limited amount of energy within me right now. I feel like I have to budget what emotional energies I do have, right now. Maybe later I will.
It's exhausting to do this, believe me I know....but I've found the effort well worthwhile Yes, it is exhausting GEL. Right now I don't have it in me to do the work it takes for the amount of reward.
With all I have read, posted, advice given to me, I am not putting to effective use. Not matching up problems with solutions. Overkilling one problem and under implementing another? Maybe we (BB and I) are both right and different in what we want.
Right now I feel I have to let go and be in a frame of mind as long as I don't add to much fuel to the fire I/BB won't get burned as much.
Long ago, I talked to a kid that got drunk and asked him if he could figure how to stay out of trouble when he drank. He said "I know my mouth gets me in trouble so when I drink, I don't say much." Right now I think I am in a similar place. NO, no drinking for me unless it is a diet cola. I am sort of waiting things out as I know some of this is me and some is BB.
Quote: had a few days of severe back trouble but am fine now. This usually triggers BB in to sell everything and buy a "Patio Home" where you have to have a maintenance agreement / co-op for all of the repairs and someone mows the lawn, shovels the snow, and takes care of the outside of the building for a monthly fee. BB wants things tidied up in case I die? I feel I am just here for her benefit sometimes.
Lou that was a very rude thing to say. I realize maybe that is how you feel. But terrible expecially if you said that to your wife. Your posts seem very one sided as in BB does this and says that. From that statement I can see that you to may attribute to the problems in your marriage. Here is why...
I would bet if my husband and I were in the age bracket as you and your wife and I seen him suffering with back problems already knowing he had back problems in the past it would worry me. I would want to also move where things would be esier on him. So that maybe he wouldn't have to strain so much with a bad back. Be able to take it a little easier. Her comment sounds like mine would and that is out of love and concern. You take it as all she thinks about is when you die. Can you imagine how she would feel? So it doesn't matter if she shows concern or not you take it negative either way. She can't win.
And honestly if she is having these terrible symptoms during sex she should go to the doctor.But I also think you should be a little understanding because this could be very much hurting her. My grandma had told me she was no longer interested in a sexual relationship past 65 or 65 she couldn't remember exact. She said it began to hurt and just wasn't as appealing after all the years of doing it.
One more thing I know you said your wife keeps things really neat. So this clutter everywhere probably drives her nuts. I am a neat person and it would drive me batty. But see I am stubborn when it comes to organized house. So I would have maybe called someone to come out and put a storage shed outside and then loaded the shed up. MY gosh it sounds like you have an awful lot of things lying around. Could you maybe move these items to a basement or somewhere? Or maybe a garage if you have one? I know you said you made progress in getting rid of some. But the neat person in here still see's the pile of clutter laying there. AS neat clean freaks we can't help it.
Re Cally Lou that was a very rude thing to say. Cally, I said I "feel" I didn't say anything about telling her directly. There are lots of things I "feel" that I don't say because I know it isn't what I consider fair or dignified. And I di say to the best of my ability how I feel, without getting nasty.
On balance I hold more in than I let out IRL because I know what I have to say might be considered mean spirited. BB is the one to let the daggers fly more so than me. I do my best to be assertive and in control but I don't think BB sees it that way. I think she sees me as not putting all of the cards on the table and I play my nasty cards first. I don't agree with her POV that I and other people play the nasty cards. As usual/common a lot of people feel others are less caring than they are. This is something I can't fix or change.
Your posts seem very one sided as in BB does this and says that That is because I feel that way. Because that is what happens, what is said. I wish I could read BB mind and know what her intentions really are. I hear the words and try to calm some things down, but no luck most of the time till several days later.
I would bet if my husband and I were in the age bracket as you and your wife and I seen him suffering with back problems already knowing he had back problems in the past it would worry me. Yes, I agree with some of this line of thinking.
Sometimes I am fine in a couple of hours. Sometimes it takes several days. BB talks like the next episode of a back problem might last years.
Her comment sounds like mine would and that is out of love and concern. I see that. It is her all knowing, panic stricken delivery that is part of the problem. Similar to going some where, taking a road she thinks is not the best and complaining or being negative. Her unfounded fear of not finding a seat in a food place, too much traffic, IE being a doom and gloom person.
You take it as all she thinks about is when you die To me BB seems obsessed with dieing. She gets up and reads the obituaries everyday, then what else went wrong in the neighborhood.
My grandma had told me she was no longer interested in a sexual relationship past 65 or 65 she couldn't remember exact. She said it began to hurt and just wasn't as appealing after all the years of doing it. What did your GM do about it? Yes, I think it's about 25% of older women sex is a problem physically. Today there are some solutions that weren't talked about years ago. Then there are the people in their 80's that still enjoy sex.
It's the missmatch that is the real root of the problem.
But I also think you should be a little understanding because this could be very much hurting her I have been understanding. I feel bad it hurts her. I look for solutions to her problems. I look for ways to give up sex.
She develops a problem and lately it has been me who solved the issue. This has happened for many, many years. With a little help, some of the problems were easy to fix but she didn't see it that way.
This (the easier problems) has been going on for 10+ years. Now she has a problem with sex that I have found some solutions that work for some women (I read some forums where women post to each other concerning sexual problems ) but BB doesn't think much will work for her as usual.
I guess I am at a point, I am tired of pushing the issue of sex. Your are right I don't want to be selfish and hurt BB deep down with in me. After 10+ years of trying to maintain a part of the R I like and putting so much effort in, to See it dwindle to nothing again has me to a point where I don't know if I want to try much more. If I give up on sex, I suppose I should stop trying to convince BB it is OK and doable to make a left hand turn in traffic if one waits for the appropriate time to execute the move. To BB, sometimes it is not worth driving in traffic or going a few miles to Wal-Mart because there are too many people out and about.
BB did go to the Dr. but mostly to confirm her belief that once past a certain age, her equipment is not up to par. She didn't go to seek answers and that is what has me in despair.
Alternatives to sex and regular intercourse? Yes I would be interested but BB said no to that. She would rather do the real thing and will put up with the discomfort. She throws in some guilt words to boot.
Cally, I see you generally post the common woman's view that can take or leave sex. I understand where you might be coming from but don't see it as a take it or leave it thing for me or the R has to be very good before sex happens.
I see sex as a part of a R, and when something derails the sexual part of the R, some people like me, people with a strong sex drive, part of us dies. Part of our R dies.
Yes I feel deep sympathy for BB but I haven't found my switch to just turn off the sexual side of me.
That pot is still boiling. I turned down the heat, removed some of the fuel, let the steam vent once in a while. What pressure is left is still a problem for me and for the R. What is left is becoming acidic and somewhat corrosive. Right now, that is the best way I can describe my feelings.
One more thing I know you said your wife keeps things really neat. Most things.
MY gosh it sounds like you have an awful lot of things lying around. Yes I do. Maybe $5K to $8K worth of printer, copier and fax supplies and parts. BB wants me to throw it away.
I just took about a 2 hr break form the forum and sold ($340 retail) worth of supplies and service for $210.
BB and I have a different opinion of what is worth more. My inventory in the basement and garage or her no clutter wishes. BTW, Nothing is in the main living area.
I told BB if I die to get a commercial dumpster and hire 2 guys for a day and throw everything out or call my competitor friend and give him everything.
AS neat clean freaks we can't help it. As a conservatist, recycler, practical financially, get the most good for the buck, give good deals to my customers, I guess I can't help that either.
Cally, thanks for posting and your POV. I do consider different POV's.
Re GEL I've literally had to sit in front of my H and repeat (sometimes up to 7 times) "that's not what I said....." before he would begin to hear what I was actually saying to him. GEL, I have been repeating my idea over in several different ways.
It's exhausting to do this, believe me I know....but I've found the effort well worthwhile. Is it working? I would say sometimes. And yes, it is exhausting.
Sounds like you and I are both feeling about ready to throw in the towel
When it comes to driving my rule is no-one gets to tell the driver what to do unless there's a 10-ton truck bearing down on you that he/she hasn't noticed. You cannot concentrate properly to execute maneuvres and at the same time justify what you are doing. That is just plain dangerous - if she is nervous of the traffic she needs to be even more nervous of what she is doing to your concentration. My H is a horrible driver (I'm not the only one that thinks so) but I never say a thing, if I need to I just look out the side window instead of the front.
In answer to a question you put to me a while back (not sure why) we pay 16p per kilowatt/hour for natural gas. 16p is about 25 cents I think? I spotted this at the top of the gas bill when it came last week and thought of you
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Lou I am glad you didn't tell her that directly. This could be just her way of worrying about you having to do so much. More so then not it is out of love and concern for you.
You said....
Quote: What did your GM do about it? Yes, I think it's about 25% of older women sex is a problem physically. Today there are some solutions that weren't talked about years ago. Then there are the people in their 80's that still enjoy sex.
She didn't do anything about it. They stopped doing anything. But then again grandpa had health problems to like very bad diabetes. But you are right things like that weren't talked about back then like today. I agree 100% with you that she should at least try to make an effort to get her health issues turned around.
You also sound like you have been considerate if your inventory is in the garage and basement. If my husband had it in the main house that is when I would be nagging.lol As a clean freak I could deal with it in a garage.
Re fran Sounds like you and I are both feeling about ready to throw in the towel Maybe throwing in the towel on the sexual part for now. And then again who cares what BB thinks about being too old for sex and just see haw far I can go with some romance. But there is consideration and rejection to contend with. sounds like an old story? It is.
no-one gets to tell the driver what to do unless there's a 10-ton truck bearing down on you that he/she hasn't noticed. I go for that. BB gets worried if we are there with less than 5 or 10 minuets to spare but also starts jabbering about the other party, will they be late or on time. It works best if both parties are about 6 minuets early, but I can't control when other couples arrive.
we pay 16p per kilowatt/hour for natural gas. 16p is about 25 cents I think? Natural gas is measured in BTU or Dekatherm IE. A measure of the heat content value of gas. Gas usage is determined by multiplying the Mcf used by the heat content value of the gas.
Fran, just curious. I see that most things cost more in the UK than in the US except health care items. We pay lots for drugs and doctor/nurse/hospital things.
I ask about prices because in some countries it is costly to drive but something else is less expensive. When people talk about how they live or what they do, I like to know a little about costs and how much work they have to do to have those things.
I saw a post from Russia about going to the ballet, a play, or a museum for a couple of dollars/euros but in New York they are $85.00.
Every once in a while, some parts I order come packed in newspapers. I look at what is going on and what things cost, that is if I can read anything. Japanese yen is easy to convert to US dollars.
I have mostly been reading your thread. No advice but I do have sympathy for your situation. Disagreements about kids, money and religious teachings, the big three.
Re Cally You also sound like you have been considerate if your inventory is in the garage and basement. BB's issue is as much to do with taking space and "IF I DIED" tomorrow, she doesn't want to deal with any of my business things.
Like I said, BB reads the obituaries first thing every morning. do you see the connection, what is on her mind?
With two recent episodes of back pain, I guess I better dump more things sooner rather than later. BB upped her talk about wanting to move to a "patio home" so she doesn't have to do any outside work if I die? A patio home is a single-family detached dwelling sitting on land owned by a Condominium Group. The building is actually a condo since the building's owner does not own the land. Targeted buyers are home owners who do not want to be bothered by lawn maintenance. Most taxing jurisdictions do not have a separate classification for Patio Homes.
As a clean freak I could deal with it in a garage. I think BB could deal with it too if my stuff took about half of the garage but there is still the issue of her wanting a patio home. Last night she said she was moving to one in two years. I smiled and waved to her. I am not going to debate that issue any more.
It has been a different time period for me. A month or so ago, I had a few back pains and took off a couple of days. Last week I had another couple of back stabs from bending over just to do minor things. I got better, I got worse till I couldn't move on Sunday.
I had shock like spasms in my back and was hoping they would pass but they got worse. I very reluctantly called an ambulance and went to the ER which I said to my self several times, that was something I was not going to do.
Well, the paramedics inserted a line in my vein and gave me some morphine before they transported me. At the ER, some more pain killers, now I a about out of it.
The doc did the typical neurological test to see if I had any nerve compressions, which I didn't and sent me home a couple of hours later with some methylprednislone (Medrol pack) and some codone tablets and of course more bed rest.
I am back to working half days so won't need anything more except keep doing my back exercises.
All of this shook up BB but I don't see the R changing much. Just more ammunition in her arsenal to prove I am too old for some things. I see the problem as more stress related than age related but that is my POV and I am not going to force anyone (BB) to see everything/somethings my way.
Like on cine's thread, I am trying to not let others have power by blaming them for my lack of progress or happiness.
I am just going to coast some more, throw out more of the oldest inventory and see what happens.
Lou: Sorry to hear about your back pain. I hope you recover fully and end up stronger than before. Show BB that you're not "too old" to do some things.
When I screwed my back up a few years ago, I started doing back exercises, and they really helped.
Maybe we (BB and I) are both right and different in what we want.
Could you maybe move these items to a basement or somewhere? Or maybe a garage if you have one? I know you said you made progress in getting rid of some. But the neat person in here still see's the pile of clutter laying there. AS neat clean freaks we can't help it. 
