All right, I'm still pissed with H. But, true to my word, I took yesterday to vent and feel angry and this morning it's time to get down to business.
So before my last thread locks up I'll start a new one and set up links from old to new.
Recap: Me:31, living in the midwest with our S3 H:34, in the military, living and working on a ship in AK
In summer 2004, immediately after we all moved to AK, H dropped the bomb. Claimed no OW. We were separated for 5 months before I moved again to the midwest to be near my mom. H never filed for D as he claimed he would and after a year and a half of living separately we re-established a long distance relationship. We've been communicating as a married couple for a year now. H is due for a 3.5 week leave very soon, but has again started talking like the depressed, angry person he was when he dropped the bomb, although he hasn't said anything about our R or ending it again.
I've got to get to work, but I'll be back to post my new goals and steps today. It is a new day after all.
OK, I dusted off my copy of DR and will talk myself through the 7 steps in light of current sitch.
The current sitch: The last time I heard from H on the telephone was about 7 weeks ago I think. Things have been on an even keel for the last year with us talking like H & W again and saying how much we missed and loved each other. We were looking forward to his leave coming up in August. We had even broached the subject of living together again, for only the second time since we split (the last time I thought we came to an agreement that we WOULD be living together at his next transfer-but maybe I thought too fast)
Then his ship left to tie up somewhere away from his homeport and have maintenance done for 3 or 4 weeks. I didn't ask if he had access to a phone for that time, but I'm pretty positive he could have found a phone somewhere in town. But he did not call. He did have internet connectivity though, and we emailed back and forth several times, teasing each other about things. Then his ship got underway again for two more weeks. I didn't get any emails and assume they weren't connected. His ship got into port last Friday night or Saturday morning. I had sent two lengthy, pleasant emails about things and they were probably waiting in his inbox when pulled in. But I didn't hear from him until Tuesday. He sent an unpleasant email saying that he hadn't decided if was flying to his parents (8 hours away from me) or to wear S3 and I live for his leave. This has been a very big issue for me, because he still seems to consider S4 and I second in line to his first family (parents and siblings). He also said in his email that he didn't want to go with S4 to show and tell at daycare/preschool. (The director had suggested that S4 would really like this, and I agreed.) Then he said he knew he was an a--hole so don't even start about it. That last part sounded so much like the alien speak I heard during the bomb. And he hasn't called.
Usually I respond to H's emails right away, but I haven't responded to this last one. I don't know if it's more because I'm pissed and my SOP is to stop talking to him (cheeseless tunnel) or if I'm applying the LRT. I don't think I'm back to the LRT stage yet. But, I know I'm pissed. But if not speaking to him is one cheeseless tunnel, reasoning with him about why he should do something is another I've tried. So what's inbetween?
And I could always call him myself. But, I want HIM to call ME. Shouldn't he want to hear from me after not talking on the phone for over a month? If he isn't interested in talking to me, I don't want to be the fool that calls him? Too much pride? Or not pursuing in good DB practice?
He has said before that he doesn't have any news to report because day in and day out he is on the same ship, doing the same thing, with the same people. I can understand this. But, still, it seems like he would want to talk to someone different, like me, once in a while. And I'm getting scared, because when he dropped the bomb it was immediately after a period of being depressed and isolated at work, with no interaction with me for 3 or 4 weeks. Is he doing it again?
Well, that's the current sitch. I guess I'll address Step #1, starting with a beinners mind next...
OK, I reread through the love illusions section and think that I'm ok with most of them except two: anger and conflict don't mean a couple is more likely to divorce, and not all differences are resolvable-in fact 60% of what a couple argues about will be what they argue about for their entire marriage.
Quote: I could always call him myself. But, I want HIM to call ME.
You bet, and there's a lot of things I want my H to do to that NEVER happens. This is a cheeseless tunnel for you, isn't it? Always waiting for him to call. Seldom happens, and when it does it's bad timing for you and doesn't fit your plan. Grab the bull by the horns, call him. What's the stand off? Ignore the rotten email you just got, and reask the questions like you've never gotten a reply yet. DB your a$$ off. Have you ever tried to be so dripping sweet and/or lay a guilt trip on him? And if he gets upset and isn't coming to see you and S4 (did he just get older?) let him know you still have vacation time from work and you plan to go with S4 and have a great time somewhere. You're not sitting at the FAMILY house waiting for him to come and see it (first time, right?), so if he's not flying in to your local airport he's gonna be SOL.
I had come half way to your conclusion last night, WCW.
Cheeseless tunnel is for me to stop communicating with him when I'm angry and wait for him to acknowledge that something is wrong. Never happens that way, of course.
But, the other cheeseless tunnel I've taken is to re-ask him for what I want. Reason with him about why he should do something with S4 (he's going to be 4 this month) or me. It just pushes him farther into his "NO-I will not participate" corner.
I was trying to figure out alternatives last night. And after waiting over a month for him to get inport so I could hear from him, there still was no more communication from him but that crappy little email sitting unreturned in my inbox for the last two days.
I started thinking that it has been a while since I've given him the WOA that have worked so well in the past. It's not that easy to give them when we rarely communicate. But, it dawned on me that I should just give him some of those words now, independent of my request for him to do something for S4 or fly "home" for leave.
I wrote myself up a short script that said "I don't need to talk long, I have to get some sleep anyway, but I just wanted to let you know that I know you're stuck out there and you hate it. I know how hard you work. And you always make sure the S4 and I are taken care of and I really appreciate that. We'll just be happy to see you whenever you're able to get here." Then I was going to make sure I got off the phone quickly.
Of course, he wasn't on the ship when I called (5:30 or 6pm his time). I didn't leave a message. I laid in bed just more pissed and hurt than ever for a while. I waffled back and forth about emailing him those same WOA, but I really didn't want to. I just wanted to never return another email or take his phone calls again, if and when they ever came. I wanted to just cut ties right there.
So I took that as I sign that I should email him. If it seems like the harder, less satisfying thing to do...must be the right thing to do... I don't know. I just emailed him more or less what I was going to say over the phone, but even shorter. Let him know I knew he was unhappy, that he worked hard, that I appreciated it. And I said "I'll see you when I see you." No I love you's. A little bitterness sneaking in there I guess.
Of course, there was no email from him this morning. It's still too soon to tell, but I'm really starting to feel like something bad is happening again.
So, I decided it's time to start exploring my options more. If H is really falling through, I think my first preference, at this point, is to move back to the west coast. That's home to me. My dad and stepmom are there. I have friends there. So I started doing some college job searches out there, and I am very glad I decided to apply for that job at the university I work at here in the midwest. Even if I didn't even get an interview, my resume is updated, my website is built, I'm more than half way there. I wouldn't feel the need to file for D, but it would be a big step away from the M. I am hoping that living in a place that suits me better will soften the blow of letting go of the M. Time to order transcripts again...
I do not have much in the way of advice to offer, but I do want to say that I think it is amazing how you are able to analyze the sitch and move on it.
I need to take a lesson from you I think.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Quote: I think it is amazing how you are able to analyze the sitch and move on it.
Well thanks for the compliment NNP! I'm not feeling like I deserve it right now. But I'll take what I can get!
Still no word from H. Every morning that goes by that he is silent gets me more and more scared.
On a good note, a friend of mine from Alaska told me about a job on the west coast I'd LOVE to get. I sent out my application last night. Seattle, I'd love to live there.
Hey look at this! Looks like I'm headed into the same situation I was living in two years ago when H dropped the "I'm not comfortable living with you" bomb. He's depressed and angry about work so he stops speaking to me and leaves me hanging. My job prospects are looking up and I'm torn between chasing after an exciting career or holding out for my H (who thinks my career aspirations are just "stupid"). Well, maybe the sitch in Alaska wasn't a one time deal. Maybe I'll be facing this losing situation every few years with H.
OK, looks more and more like I'm heading into the same situation as two years ago. There was a large withdrawal from checking yesterday, which leads me to believe that H bought airline tickets. Yet, he hasn't told me anything about his plans. Looks like his leave is on, but he's headed to his parents. I know he'll want to see S4 and S4 needs to see him.
I'm trying to decide how I'll deal with this. H should be flying to his parents the end of next week if he really did get his leave. I'm pretty sure he would atlease email me to tell me when he plans to come up and see S4. Will I tell him to come pick him up and take him back down to his parents, then do the trip again to return him before H flys back? I think I can handle doing that in a calm way.
Of course I'll fall to pieces after S4 leaves because I've never been away from him for that long. And I'll be facing the end of my M all over again, on top of it. Talk about loneliness and abandonment. But, I've tried to prepare myself for this situation before. I think it will be a little easier this time.
Or will I decide to take whatever kind of contact H will give me, even if it's just him showing up once a year, for I don't know how many days, without the courtesy of forwarning, or an explanation of why he has stopped communicating, or a hint of the "future talk" H said we would have.
Maybe that's the reason for all of this. Besides him being depressed and angry about his job. Maybe he's just stressed about that talk and dreading coming here to have it. Hmmmm....I can see that. But he's the one that said we should wait and have this talk during his leave instead of over email, which I would have been ok with.
Do I tell him not to worry about having that conversation, that I can go without? I don't know if I can do that at this point. Waiting without a clue of what he has planned for us means that I can't move forward with my own life. I want to move on from this town and move up in my field, but if I do now, chances that H and I will be together again are EXTREMELY slim. I can chose where I go, he can't.
Can you file for D on grounds of abandonment if your spouse has physically abandoned you and stopped communicating, but still sends money?
Do you know for sure he is heading to parents? I agree it all points to that, but you do not know for sure yet, right? Just maybe he is going to have a big surprise and show up at your door! Explore your options, but don't make your decisions yet.
Go for your career. Other than the support from your mom with S4, you hate it where you are. If H won't commit, if H won't live with you, he can fly to whereever you are to see S4.
Being quite blunt now (like I haven't already), why are you still married? You've had 3 nice days together in how many years of marriage? Do you WANT to stay married, or do you feel like you are SUPPOSED to stay married?
This state is No Fault Divorce. You don't have to incriminate anyone.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I don't know. I just emailed him more or less what I was going to say over the phone, but even shorter. Let him know I knew he was unhappy, that he worked hard, that I appreciated it. And I said "I'll see you when I see you." No I love you's. A little bitterness sneaking in there I guess.