At 10:00pm EST, TLC has a "One Week to Save Your Marriage" show on. I don't know anything about the host. Tonight's couple is one in which they haven't had sex since their six year old was born and the husband has been kicked out of the bed. Maybe some of you might want to check it out.
OK - I'm getting better. I used to be a self-help junkie of sorts. This show was contrived and annoying. The couple was annoying. She was nasty and disrespectful to her H. He continually escaped via riding his motorcycle (big suprise). I made it about 15 minutes into the show, turned it off, went to bed with H (who was in bed early for a change) and had a chat before we went to sleep. He has a summer cold and is frustrated as h*ll with a couple of our kids. His guy trip is next week and I'll be waving in the driveway with a happy smile - he needs to go.
The point is, in the past I would have watched the whole show hoping for some magic tidbit that would turn my sitch around. When I could persuade H to watch those shows he would just chuckle knowingly feeling glad that we aren't like that while I would see a few similarities in nearly every situation. I'm better now. I watch some of this kind of thing, read some self help books - if they are stupid or irrelevant I turn the tv off or quit reading the book.
I didn't see it, but sometimes you do wonder about people who let it all hang out for the TV camera. I think Shalom in the Home is probably different because I get the impression that the cameras are pretty inconspicuous and it might be possible for the couple to kind of forget that they're there and just act natural. But some of these shows... you wonder if the director coaches the individuals to be particularly obnoxious... like on the old Jerry Springer show or Maury Povich. (Another way that I think/hope Shalom in the Home is different is because I have Rabbi Shmuely (sp?) up on a pedestal, ethically speaking.)
There are such a raft of Reality Shows these days... I think we really have to put our filters on.
Even my favorite show, What Not to Wear-- sometimes the contestants are soooo b!tchy that I can't believe anyone would be that rude without some coaching/encouragement. I mean, they get flown to NY, $5K to spend on clothes, expert haircut (that costs $400 if you pay for it yourself), makeup-- and they resist every step of the way and actually get quite rude with the two hosts. I don't think real people would behave that way without coaching.
I believe that people truly can be totally obnoxious and destructive... I just question whether they are that spontaneously and honestly for tv cameras.
This used a similar hidden camera format to Shalom In the Home. However, I did have trouble buying that things routinely worked like that in the home. Most guys would have packed their sh*t and been gone - the wife kept calling her H a "loser" and things like this. Yuck! I've only seen one Shalom in the Home and I did think it was good. I thought the Schnarch thing on Dateline was good. If Schnarch had a show I would watch it every week!
As someone who has lived in a pretty disrespectful environment, I can shamefully tell you that I have called my H a loser on more than one occasion-not in a very long time mind you.
But things can escalate to a very embarrassing level, even for relatively 'normal' people. I accept that I don't have the characteristically 'normal' marriage, but in general my life is pretty normal. I know I would be horrified to see myself on camera during one of H and I's big, bad fights.
Thank god we don't fight like that anymore, but this site had a lot to do with that. I honestly wasn't aware of how much my emotions fueled our fights...and I had a lot of really strong emotions about a lof of stuff that built up over a long time period. Once emotions take control, if you let them, they can take you to some pretty crazy (literally) places.
So, I didn't see the show, so I don't know what I'm comparing myself to and I certainly can't speak for anyone else, but I can tell you that when I look back, I am immensely embarrassed by the way I acted. So, I guess my point is, yes people *do* act that way. It doesn't always mean they are crazy (although sometimes they are ), for me, I just needed someone to show me how my emotional reactions were only making my situation worse.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I've often wished that I had a hidden camera to record some of my interactions with my H for playback. Maybe we should all start taping our interactions with our spouses and then posting links to video clips for analysis by the BB- LOL.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Re Karen1 I made it about 15 minutes into the show, turned it off, went to bed Way to go K1. It sounds like part of the show was shock value.
I would have watched the whole show hoping for some magic tidbit that would turn my sitch around U2???? J I won’t tell if you don’t tell K1!
So, did anyone see the show and what were the good parts? Did the couple make any improvements?
Re Lil Maybe people really ARE like that.... Lil, My thoughts are, some people are like that and that is what sells, or in the entertainment business creates ratings.
I watched a couple of the of the early "Survivor" shows. I soon saw it was just a version of office politics and I don't like the subtle, underhanded things that go on sometimes, especially when in real life, everyone knows there is going to be a reduction of employees in the future. BTDT and it sucks.
I think Shalom in the Home is probably different because .....and it might be possible for the couple to kind of forget that they're there and just act natural. It would take 6 months before I felt like acting natural. Can some people be that open? I suppose if a people think a lot of people act that way it would easier to show more of one's true self. How much depends on a lot of things.
But some of these shows... you wonder if the director coaches the individuals to be particularly obnoxious... That is my guess too. I wonder if we only see the top 25% of the couples that are video taped. Most people watch things for entertainment or in some cases educational value. We see something in the program that benefits us in some way or feeds some need, interest or addiction.
Remember, shows are about market share to the producers. Higher market share means they can charge more for commercials. I am certain, many producers want to put out worthwhile products or promote their beliefs. There is always a money side too.
(Another way that I think/hope Shalom in the Home is different is because I have Rabbi Shmuley Boteach up on a pedestal, ethically speaking.) How about the show's lack of covering up or willingness to show scenes that look like failures at first, are then approached from a different angle and maybe there is success or the success does not last very long.
I will say what Rabbi Shmuley Boteach instructs the couple to do is easily doable for most people, and the participant's reactions look real.
Watching the Lunar landing on TV was exciting in one sense but I know I would never get a chance to do it. For me, something like going from tree top to tree top across a rope or two (TV program about survivors of major medical problems) is not as spectacular but more of a common type of experience that I might do sometime. To me, 'Shalom in the Home' is more like the "going from tree to tree" experience. With some instructions, practice, and simple equipment I could do it.
Another thing I like about the program is something that is present on this forum almost all of the time, honesty w/o being overbearing or superior. Most of the time even callinf someone on their BS goes over well.
There are such a raft of Reality Shows these days... I think we really have to put our filters on. I agree Lil. Add some of the news/political analysis programs that have some of the highest ratings to the list.
Quote: Lil: I think Shalom in the Home is probably different because .....and it might be possible for the couple to kind of forget that they're there and just act natural.
Lou: It would take 6 months before I felt like acting natural. Can some people be that open? I suppose if a people think a lot of people act that way it would easier to show more of one's true self. How much depends on a lot of things.
I think in some cases people can get to acting natural if they want to prove their spouse is a jerk. IOW if I'm pissed because my H never washes the dishes even after I nag him, then when the cameras are running, I may want to nag him just to make sure the camera catches what a jerk he is when he refuses to wash the dishes, kwim. I'm so intent on pushing him into behavior that will prove he's a jerk that I lose sight of my own jerky behavior.
It kind of happens on this board sometimes... someone will bring a he said/she said tale of some kind and the readers will point out how the poster helped create the sitch, but at the time all the poster wanted was to prove the other person was a jerk.
RE Lil someone will bring a he said/she said tale of some kind and the readers will point out how the poster helped create the sitch, but at the time all the poster wanted was to prove the other person was a jerk. I agree. I can see that happening.
), for me, I just needed someone to show me how my emotional reactions were only making my situation worse. 