W says she "loves me like a family member" but doesn't have any romantic or sexual feelings for me like she does with OM (who she has broken off all contact with for the past 4 weeks). We're in MC and "committed to rebuilding or marriage." She says she wants to feel those things for me, but just doesn't. In the meantime, our MC has given us "assignments" (I'm supposed to work on loving unconditionally, she's supposed to work on being very "respectful" and showing her appreciation for what I do.
I've done a pretty major 180. I try to give her space and spend most of my time helping with chores around the house, not only mine but many of "hers" or the shared things as well. Started going out on "dates" once a week...first one went well, went to our favorite restaurant. Went back again Friday, and we just stared at each other, had absolutely nothing to talk about except painful stuff, which we didn't want to do. She seems to be spending most of her time moping quietly and griveing over what she had with OM. This just kills me, but I'm trying to be quiet about it.
So, it seems like I'm ready to move forward and her head is still stuck in the recent past. She's never moved out and we still sleep in our bed together, but there is almost zero affection initiated from her side. She'll let me hug her, hold her, kiss her, even sex if I want, but makes it clear her heart's not in it and she doesn't feel those things for me, so I've just mostly backed off 100%, aside from hello/goodbye kisses.
She's home, she says she's committed, but she mostly keeps to herself and puts the burden on my to initiate conversation and contact, which I did for a while, but she says she's just going through the motions and hoping the feelings come back, which part of the time makes me feel like I should be initiating some of that, and part of the time makes me want to withdraw completely until she "feels" like it.
What the heck am I supposed to do?
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
hey there, on the same boat, my H doesn't have those feelings yet and i don't know how much of the OP he misses. Keep up the good work, this will take a while, my H has warmed up some, since he's moved back in April, there will be improvements, little by little. Then, inevitably you'll take one step forward and 2 steps back. Instead of a restaurant why dont you guys do something more physical, go dancing, rollerstaking, etc. The same thing happened to us when our old C suggested to go out on dates, the first (and only, we didnt do it again back then) dinner out we only talked about painful stuff, we couldn't connect. Then again, you W might not be ready, only time will help. But in the meantime you are doing a good job. Same here about sx, I won't initiated unless he does, I want him to mean it not to humor me.
Set yourself for a long haul, give her time. Revert to that person you were when you first met, dont' try too hard, be confortable in your own skin, the rest will come.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
This is an excerpt of a letter my W wrote me when I went on a trip a week ago to hang out with friends from our old home town. Anyway, here's the excerpt:
"I am thankful for all you to and bring to my life. I want you to learn to save a litle for yourself without worrying too much about me. You were a completely separate individual when I fell in love with you. Trust that."
So my advice to you is to really find yourself. I know that sounds so 60s but its really true. You and I both know that we have compromised little bits of ourselves because we thought that's what we had to do in order to have a "good" relationship. After I read the "Passionate Marriage" I realized that's what set up a lot of our problems. You have to be yourself, no matter what - and the really scary part is that once you start really doing that whether its GAL or PMA you'll realize that your SO respects you more than they did when you were making those little compromises.
