Wife coming but still involved with OM

[Spirit_of_Hope]

My wife and I have been separated for four months. I relocated to Chicago from Denver and the plan was for my wife to come one month after I left.

Once I was in Chicago she said that she was happy without me and didn't want to move. After going through all of the typical crying, begging, etc I bought Michelles books. I put the practices to work and they seemed to make an impact.

My wife agreed to move to Chicago with our twins (S2,S2).

When I arrived to Denver to help her move she told me that she believes that her heart was taken by a man who had befriended her since I left. Since then I slipped back to the crying, pleading, ect until I was able to get a hold of myself.

She told me that she was just physically attracted to him and that he doesn't know that she feels this way. I later found correspondence to him indicating her feelings were much more and that he was well aware of them too.

I asked her if she really wanted to work on our marriage would she consider cutting off contact with the OM. She said that she would not because they are too good of friends.

I am really trying to remain positive and not let on how badly that I am hurt. And, of course, if I tell her that I know that she was less than honest about the extent of their relationship, I fear that she will go ballistic that I was snooping.

Where do I draw the line between self-respect and saving my marriage and family?? Is there a line?

I am committed to my marriage so I guess I have just answered my own question.

My wife said that she LMBINILWM and for the marriage to work she will have to fall in love again. She said she doesn't know if she will be able to do this and that we should go to a marriage counselor.

I feel that I am getting lots of mixed signals from her.
--Is moving to Chicago.
--Wont cut ties or be honest about OM
--Wants to goto MC

Any advice?? I am a mess.

Thanks,
Tony

[IMINTROUBLE]

1) She agreed to move to Chicago...2) she suggested going to MC to get some help. I say go to MC, but make sure you find a MC who believes in solution-based therapy. She will eventually have to end the A if this will work, but you have time. You've read the book, so stop begging and crying. Last but not least...when she gives up the A and decides to work on the marriage, DO NOT ever stop working. That was my mistake, and now I'm going through this whole inferno a 2nd time.

[ford]

getting her outta Denver is a good start, assuming the other Guy is in Denver. My personal belief is to not tolerate any contact with other men. I mean, how can she work on the marriage while living in fantasy land with someone else.

I'm sure you've read other threads on here about the same situation. some let other people stay involved and some don't. I believe that is one boundry that cannot be crossed. the longer you tolerate her contacting the other guy, the more normal it becomes, and then it's easier for other boundries to go by the wayside.

just my opinion. listen to some other opinions and then see what is best for you.

Good luck, I know this sucks, but you'll get through this.

[IMINTROUBLE]

...thing as ford...she can't work on the marriage while being involved with someone else. One more thing...stop snooping. It will do nothing but drive you crazy and, if she catches you, it will just make her be more sneaky and "careful". All that does is add to the mystery and excitment of the OM. Now...if she agrees to break off the A, then you two should set some guidelines for her conduct until she regains your trust.

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

I'm in a similar sitch. My W said she told the OM that she can't get involved with anyone else until she figures out what is going to happen with her marriage. So they stopped the physical relationship. But she still needs him for the moment to help work on her shows. She sees him every weekend and they get a lot of time to be alone. She refuses to cut off all contact because she says, for now, she can't do her shows without him.

I've decided to back off for now. But if she doesn't eventually cut off all contact with him it will probably be the end of our M because I can't sit around for the rest of my life and wonder what they do when they're alone.

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Thanks for all the advice.

Question about snooping. It is so hard for me to stop because when I think things are going better I will look for something (and usually find it). I feel that I am cheating myself if I don't know what is going on and she is not being truthful to me.

Why won't she tell me the truth?? She had me convinced that this guy was just a friend. . . . .probably because that is what I wanted to believe.

I haven't broken down even when she got pissed at me the other day for some very minor things. I mean PISSED for something very small. I asked her what was wrong and she says that I just iritate her. I have been doing nothing but be good to her, offer to help her, doing more than I ever have around the house and with the kids. I feel good when I do these things but unfortunately she is not reciprocating.

I am tempted to call the OM and ask him to cut off ties with her. Would that be stupid?

Or should I just continue to play dumb, treat her well, and hope she comes around??? I think as long as this guy is in the picture she will not be able to focus on us. She will not cut off ties by herself. . . .she told me so.

I feel that the only thing that I have going for me is that she is now in Chicago with me. But she talks to this guy like 3-5 times a day.

HEEELLLLPPPP MEEEEEEEE!! I need someone to talk me off of the ledge and tell me why I shouldn't call this guy.

Tony

[missingwifey]

Sorry about your sitch!

Question about snooping. It is so hard for me to stop because when I think things are going better I will look for something (and usually find it). I feel that I am cheating myself if I don't know what is going on and she is not being truthful to me.

If you want to keep your sanity and stay on the right track to saving your marriage...STOP SNOOPING

I haven't broken down even when she got pissed at me the other day for some very minor things. I mean PISSED for something very small. I asked her what was wrong and she says that I just iritate her. I have been doing nothing but be good to her, offer to help her, doing more than I ever have around the house and with the kids. I feel good when I do these things but unfortunately she is not reciprocating.

My gut tells me your pursuing her right? In my sitch, I used to get the "irritating comment" all the time and as much as I wanted to believe I wasn't pursuing her "I was just helping her or being kind".. I was. She needs space right now. Do yourself and her a favor.. give it to her. I know its hard as hell. Do it for you do it for your marriage

I am tempted to call the OM and ask him to cut off ties with her. Would that be stupid?

Huge mistake!!! Don't even think about it. Your wife will loose her trust in you. She will punish you for interferring...etc. Absolutely Not!!

I hope I've helped and I hope it gets better quickly. Keep us posted.
Don

[Halfthemoney]

The not snooping has to be the hardest part. I understand perfectly how you feel. I started doing it well over a year ago while out of the country when I felt something was wrong, continued to do it last summer by putting spyware on the computer, always sneaking to look at her phone, after she left me....hell, I'm still doing it from where I am now. Don't get me wrong, initially it was probaby a good thing because I needed some of the information. But it took on a life of it's own. It's like driving by a car wreck, you can't help but look, it's an addiction. BUT, what I'm figuring out is that no matter what it only causes more damage because you already know the truth. You're simply confirming something you already know. You're not goint to find an email saying "I Love My Husband so I'm ending it because he's the greatest person in the world". I agree with an earlier poster that it's only going to drive her to more clever means. I even thought about hiring a private investigator when I left but at the end of the day do I also need photos to add to my misery? No, as hard as it is just stop, think of something else when you get the urge, say the Serenity Prayer, anything. Like I said, I too struggle mightily with this and I slip periodically. Good luck.

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Thanks for the help, all.

Missingwifey, your advice helped a lot. I probably was pursuing to an extent by being overly helpful or nice. I guess that 180 wasn't working as planned so I will try to tone it down some.

I think I knew that snooping would drive me nuts and there is really nothing that I can do about it (confront her, confront him, ect). I guess I just always hope that I will find a message that says, "OM, you are a good friend and that is all. I love being her with my husband. TTYL" I think that the reason I got so unnerved yesterday was that I sent her an e-card yesterday that I actually mailed a month ago expressing how happy I was that she was coming to Chicago to live with me. The card said "There is nobody besides you I would rather be besides." Well, after an ill advised snoop, I found that she sent the SAME card to him after she opened mine!!!!!!!!!!

So, instead of snooping, I will say a prayer, post here, or find some other way to channel my energy. There is nothing good that comes out of my finding information that I know to be true already.

Question to all:
Would you say that she is in somewhat of a mourning phase since she is away from OM??

I have for the last two days backed off from telling her that I loved her and stopped kissing her on the lips - which I could tell was uncomfortable for her because she always gave me the side of her mouth to kiss.

Is it possible to have a WAW who is still in the same house?? Should I treat this like a WAW sitch??

Thanks to all for your help. I am trying to keep the faith and stick to a plan. This is harder than I thought.

Regards,
Tony

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Also, what are your opinions about Ford's reply?? Do you think that I should tolerate this relationship - be it long distance to the OM?? Or, should I save this for the MC and see what he has to say??

Also, when looking for an MC will they know what I am talking about when I ask if there therapy is Solution Oriented??

Thanks,
TT