Well I have had a great week of work here at the resort. I love the face-to-face opportunities which don't happen very often, and this community and my work is uplifting and inspiring. Really, really, really something. Powerful affirmation that my work life supports me well. On top of that, lots and lots of attention about how good I look (since most of these folks haven't seen me for a year, I have apparently tranformed in their eyes). I apparently look 10 years younger, impossible that I could have a 25 year old daughter, my butt is tiny, I don't look like the same person, etc. etc., so it was good food for my lonely/neglected side from a safe and loving audience.
It has been good for me to be here and not be around H. I was mad the first couple of days (as you saw in my post) and it faded to relief that I had time for myself to re-center and nurture myself. And gratitude that I managed myself well enough that I did not dump on H when I was with him. This week, I ate good food (although perhaps a little too much) went swimming and jacuzzing every night, and created great bonding experiences with several folks, including the daughter and son of colleagues who I really enjoyed (they were 12 and 13). I love teenagers, and hanging out with them every night in the pool was so so great.
Since we are at a spa/resort, and a discount was arranged for us, I also treated myself to a 1 1/2 hour hot stone massage with a massage-guy this morning. That was an unbelievable treat, I was so relaxed I drooled, and maybe I even passed out on the table and snored once or twice. Lucky I do not need to be sexy to receive a great time from a massage-guy . It was a really indulgent and great experience.
I also think it opened up some stuff. I have been busy pretty much from dawn to midnight all week, even though "busy" was often fun. However, I did notice that H did not call once. Even though this was predictable considering we slept together in the hotel last week and he was all cozy with me there, as this week progressed it got harder to accept that this up down, push pull, come closer then retreat, is just what is so and will continue to be so for as long as it takes H to "get it". I believe when he "gets it" the dance will be over and either we will be married and recommitted or we will not. But right now, H is dancing, rollercoastering, whatever you want to call it. H is in MLC and he is having an A, and this is what it looks like and will continue to look like until H "gets it" or I see it differently. So I better just relax and enjoy the ride as best as I can as often as I can.
I spoke with my dog-sitter/house sitter tonight, and she said H came by the house yesterday, and spent maybe 10 minutes in the office. She noticed and told me that he seemed "glazed over" and completely unlike the gregarious man she met 1 1/2 years ago. That was sad, but yet continues to confirm the MLC for me.
I have figured out that for me what works is:
a certain amount of "space" from H, particularly time alone for me "in between" sightings compassion, forgiveness and understanding commitment to listening review and reminders of MLC behaviors and symptoms no expectations, no matter what, no matter when freedom to be myself and express myself commitment to be kind patience ongoing introspection about what's working and not working for me commitment to health, well-being in every area of my life Release of hurt, anger, worry as needed in safe places GAL activities (seminars, my PhD program, beach walks, friends, health pursuits, etc.)
My fears are that H will never "wake up", that he will pursue an unfulfilling R (or many) and an unfulfilling lifestyle and that he will be alone forever, and that I will have to "give up" at some point on our M. I also have a fear that it would be better if I got mad at H and provided a "tough love" stand (boundaries and ultimatums), and that I am enabling the A to continue and deepen - that there are things I "should" be doing that would cause him to wake up or cause the A to end, and that I have failed to figure that out or take those steps, and will lose the M because of it.
My commitment to my M remains. My commitment to health and well being also remains, however, and is the trump card if those two commitments become incompatible. I will not sacrifice my family's or my personal happiness, health or well being as a way to live. It has to all work together, which means H will need to be whole. I can only move forward with H if he is whole. However, I am willing to be patient (and am learning this more each day), because a temporary state and a permanent unresolvable situation are two different things. When will I know if H is emerging as present and whole and available, or if he ever will? I dunno. But I just keep thinking I will know when I know. If the answer to my prayer is met, sometime between December and March, I will know.
So today I cried. It came on suddenly, in between the graduation ceremony for our students and the dinner/dance extravaganza. I had always wanted H to come with me to one of these, and he never has. It is very family oriented, stimulating and diverse and I always wanted him to experience it so he would understand what I really work for. H hadn't called all week either. I have to go home tomorrow, and I have to face H again at some point I imagine and perhaps witness the push-pull again and again. And I wish it was over, and the MLC replay stage was over. So I took a shower, came out and looked in the mirror and the floodgates opened, and I went to the floor and prayed on my hands and knees and the tears poured and I asked for God to help me, help my H, help OW and save my marriage. There on the bathroom floor. The message I got was that between 5 months and 8 months from now, what needs to happen next will be revealed. And that I am to be patient.
On my own, I keep thinking that H needs to be confronted. That he needs to see my anger, my limit. But then I also think, repeatedly, that that will not really work in my sitch. But I read on Strong One's thread today that she had a big blow out with her H (and I have seen this before with others too) and a big confrontaton occurs, and then the air is cleared and the truth is told, and things move forward, and I want that. But what keeps coming up for me, is that MY H will not do that, at least not right now. If I push him at all, he will walk. Completely. Or at least so I think. I think my H will only return to our M if it is his idea, his choice. I wish I could "get him to choose what I know is best" lol only kidding. But seriosly too, you know. I've got this figured out and he doesn't, so if he would just listen to me, everything would turn out fine. No wonder he left the know-it-all wife for the needy helpless OW so he could feel important and smart and strong.
So I will be patient. And lay low. Not be too obvious in my excitement to see or talk to H, if/when I do. Say no to some invites, yes to others. Try some new language skills, so that I am not always so so accomodating and predictable. I will still write the planned letter to his S12, and will do it this week.
Nothing particularly new, therefore. Still trying to refine the same stuff I have been trying to refine for the past 7 months, it seems. Just hanging in, trying to do what I said I would.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I am now back home. It is the first time I recall arriving home at the airport where H has not picked me up. My house-sitter friend picked me up though, and I will continue to focus on the positive. However, I am clearly going through "withdrawal", and am missing H in my life once again. I am sitting in his office, surrounded by photos and memories of "us". I think this is the hardest thing for the LBS - to continue to live in the space we once shared. The feeling of "something is missing" with H gone is strong. My housesitter said H came by briefly for 10 minutes while I was gone, to create an invoice on his computer. How he can run his business on 10 minutes of paperwork per week these days, I do not know. Anyway, the cat loves my H in particular (and the dog adores him too) and apparently no amount of dancing on the dog's part got H's attention while he was here. H apparently did not pay any attention to either of them, just came and went. When H left, the cat howled for an hour. I know what he feels like. It is the weirdest thing I have ever experienced to witness someone's complete disconnect from all loved ones.
When my dad left my mom after 35 years of marriage (for a 37 year old woman, when he was 73) he left everyone also including me (I was 24), and none of us ever saw him again. I remember his best friend (for over 50 years) calling me on the phone six months later, sobbing, begging me to tell him where my dad was (as if I knew). Dad's BF died without ever seeing him again, and dad died somewhere out there where I never saw him again either.
When H told me about the A, he told me he had never planned to leave me because he never wanted to do to me what my dad had done to me. He had promised me many times that he would never leave me. It is the weirdest thing, that he thought it was about me. I know I will receive healing from witnessing this WAS syndrome close up and personal in a way I never did with my dad. It is powerful for me to be achieving complete forgiveness and unconditional love for H in the face of what is also salt in an old and deep wound. What is sadder for me than my own sense of loss, is that I see that H does not get that it is HIS loss by walking away - it is not just the pain inflicted on the loved ones, but the loss for the WAS of the intimacy and the love that is/was available by sticking around. I believe that anything is possible by keeping a commitment, by keeping your word. H is inches away from knowing that. But he would have to take that leap of faith,and it would break all of his patterns. He has run from things before, and even me once (before we were engaged).
My dad was "abandoned" by his father when he was 2 years old, and my dad was a WAS from another marriage and family (when he was in his mid-thirties), prior to his marriage to my mom. I did not find these things out until I was an adult, as this was a one of many family secrets.
No matter how lonely and sad I am, missing my H and my marriage, the disolution of my hopes and dreams, I think of the life a WAS leads, and that to me, is living hell.
I am sad today, my house is quiet and it is a bit of a let down for an extravert like me after such a jam-packed work week full of friends and interesting people. But I am proud of who I am, of what I have accomplished, and grateful for the people in my life, those who love me and those I love. I am grateful for my home, my pets, my body, my town, the relationships that have been nurtured, for so many things.
Those of you who pray, please pray for us. I am dark and do not know when I will hear from H again. It feels dark. I am afraid. I do not want to be sucked in over and over, yet responding only when H initiates is the most frightening thing and I wonder every time I have tried that if it is the right thing to do. I know that I need to completely detach, and have no expectations whatsoever. But I also know that "checking in" with H when he "ran" before we were engaged, was the right thing to do - it maintained the R and reassured him, even when he did not act like he wanted me to call, for months. Chuck the DB coach said to do what has worked in the past, he said that occasional checking in was fine. I just haven't found the balance yet. Light and breezy, like a friend, cheery, no expectations - that's what I am aiming for. Should I only react to H's initiations, or initiate contact every once in a while? I dunno. I know I need to say "no" sometimes and not be so predictable and available.
There are a dozen or more half completed projects, reminding me of the missing H. Our home reminds me of him, everywhere I turn - the linens, the office, the things left to be done, the overflowing pantry with no 6'4" guy to eat it here, etc. etc.
I have not given up. But I am afraid. I feel very very alone in my commitment. There is no agreement for my stand, anywhere in my every day life. It is mostly some of you who understand. And even so, not one of us knows if it will turn out the way we want it to. I have heard that being in the midst of MLC replay stage is the hardest. I can vouch for that. No matter what anyone says about my H, I know he is not himself right now. I love him and I want him to find himself. I have not given up on his goodness, and I remember the man I married. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I need your prayers.
OK, I will make some new lists, take on some new projects. I have homework to do. I have messes to clear. I will try to be open to H's return without feeling like I am living in a ghost town. I will strive for balance. One day at a time. I will find my rythm again. I can do this.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I just returned from a beach walk, and the most beautiful sunset ever. I love it when there are some clouds and gusts of wind along with the scene, makes it all the better for me. The dog is so happy I am home, he is a cocker spaniel with a smile today at the beach that almost touched his ears on either side. Nature, and especially these walks, do wonders to improve my PMA and outlook too, and also enhance my sense of choice and "power" in my sitch.
I feel a need to apologize to all of you, because I tweak and refine my DBing efforts, and sometimes I do not do what I think I am going to do, or I do the opposite of what I just said I was going to do. Yet somehow I am still muddling through, and I think I will be OK. Thanks for keeping up with me I had an impulse at the beach to try something new, so I took a picture of me and the sunset on my phone and sent it to H's phone. This message sending thing had been H's realm with the OW almost exclusively, so I have been dabbling in there a bit, I guess. Last week, H didn't have a phone that received photos, but I had an inkling he might have gotten a new phone. Not sure why, other than the fact that his old one was really bad (sounded like he was talking in a tin can) and I told him so, and also showed him how great my new phone was. Well, I guess he does listen to me sometimes Got a text message back less than a minute later, "where are you?" and in keeping with "not being in the R more than he is", I used my 3 word allotment "at the beach". H phoned me immediately, was I at the beach in Arizona? haha [where I was working], didn't know when I was getting back, how was it? etc., etc. VERY cheery, seemed really really happy to talk with me, lots of interest and questions. I kept it short, but was able to provide really upbeat and intriguing tidbits: H: are you glad to be home? PL: It was great to be there, and it is great to be home. Life is great. I have such a great life. ***** H: were you able to use the pool? PL: every night! and my room was 10 feet from the jacuzzi H: Oh, party central? PL: every night, until 2 am :-) ***** H: [it was getting late, H's protective mode] well, you better get home before it gets dark PL: I'm not sure about that! But I will get home sometime tonight.
I am defining new techniques for my DBing efforts. As you can see, I am obviously not dark. I keep thinking I "should" be dark, and then it never feels right. It feels contrived, and also like it will leave nothing but OW in his space. Space is good (for me) but I would like to check in occasionally with H, with no expectations, just a friendly reminder of how great it feels to talk to me kinda call, every once in a while. I heard someone talk about going "dim" too (which I think is some contact, but minimal, like business only?) and you know, for the kind of girl I am, "dark" and "dim" just won't do as words to describe anything I am up to. They feel depressing, uncharacteristic, limiting.
So I have decided I am a twinkle light. Not the obnoxious holiday strands that pulse on and off with a pattern. But one of those that twinkles, kind of randomly, like a real star in the sky.
BTW, some of you with psychology backgrounds/education may know the work of B.F. Skinner, who did experiments "conditioning" rats in the 1930's. Basically, if you want to train a rat (or dog or other creature, even a human) if the rewards are predictable and reliable every time, you will get the rat to do what you want, but no more, and without a lot of enthusiasm. You will just get a purposeful, predictable behavior out of the rat. But if the rewards are random, the rat will keep at it and at it forever, doing what you want it to do and then some, to get the reward. It keeps their interest and motivation up. So try not to think I am calling my H or any of these WAS rats. But if we want to change their behavior, when we are random and unpredictable that will work the best and they figured it out using rats first. So, to relate this to our DB work here, that's the reason for the 180's, the mysterious and unpredictable, etc., which is the thing I need to learn because I am generally reliable as rain, which gets me a slightly bored and not particularly enthusiastic rat.
So now, my new self-image: I am a twinkle light. And H will be looking and watching and waiting and curious about, "when will I get to see that little light twinkle again?"
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Thanks, JM! I am glad someone is out there, and I am grateful you are reading as I know my posts are often a little long One of these days I will write some books and learn to make some money on it But truly, thanks for hanging in there with me
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Well, I dabbled in H's text message world, and look what happened. He obviously can't keep us straight. H sent me a text message last night at 9:42 pm, intended for the OW. I read it this morning, thought he was texting me again, that would have been sweet. Whoops. All in German, their little pet names, how much he loves her, bleh, barf.
So no new news really. He's still infatuated with the OW, but now he can't keep it straight who he is sending the messages to. What should I do? Pretty weird to ignore such a boundary violation. But what good will it do to say anything at this point? And if I did, what can I say?
"Thanks for the sweet love note text last night - made my day" OR write him a love note back in German? OR "Confusing us, are you?"
Let's have some fun here. I'm all ears for your advice Because getting mad would be too easy.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Hi PL....thanks for hopping onto my thread with your lifesaver when I wanted to jump off the cliff of "I am SO done with this crap." Ahhhh. Although, with each day, the edge is closer.
So, about the txt message. You can do 2 things....1) nothing at all. 2) send it back to him saying "you sent this to the wrong person." and leave it at that. That way, he sees that you know, you are not being mean about it, letting him hang on teh rope that you dropped. It gives you some integrity to acknowledge the situation too, that you're not playing stupid in his little A game. But, you're not a raging lunatic about it either.
Then, don't bring it up again, he gets the point.
If this is MLC, and your H's childhood issues, then this is a twisted ride. I think we get caught when we impose our own values, timelines, rationale to things and we get so angry, hurt.
What I remember about my own situation was how weary I eventually got. Tired of always having to keep a PMA, GAL, be upbeat and cheery around him when I wanted to scream at him and pull his hair all out, weary of the waiting and wondering what was happening with H and his OW, how he was feeling at any particular time, if/when he was getting past her, if we'd ever be together again, when was it going to happen...blah,blah,blah.... Then I also was weary of feeling sad ALL the time and heavy and tired of trying all the time to fight those feelings and tired of people asking questions...geez....I also was weary of trying to decide every single day if I should go dark, stay dark, be in touch occasionally, let him contact me, how often should I call, how long should I wait if he didn't call, trying to guess every day what kind of mood he would be in IF I saw or talked to him that day, what was the best response...etc. etc. etc. What I think now is that I could NEVER do that again. What happened to me is I became stronger and more in touch with me and my needs and I realized I never have to put up with that crap again, no matter what happens. All I need is me.
Having said all that, you aren't there. But I just said all that because you are experiencing alot of it and I just want you to know I know how you feel. I wouldn't do a single thing about that text in German to OW. I wouldn't mention it or return it or anything; I'd just forget it and wipe it out. Too bad if she doesn't get it; who cares?
Hey, did your H ever put his wedding ring back on when he got back from Germany? I'm just curious...
And how can you "love" someone you've barely spent any time with, you've never lived with, and is married to someone else? It has MLC written all over it. I agree with you that she makes him feel strong and needed; men like that; but it's not love. Being a man of integrity, sooner or later it should occur to him that Mrs. Fabulous is sneaking around on her H and children to have an A with another married man.
It's true about the rats, isn't it? And men. And women. We like a challenge. That's why they tell you not to "tell all" right away when you're dating or give all because then they have nothing left to stimulate their interest or their curiousity, and you become no challenge at all and they get bored and next thing you know...
I'm feeling sulky and irritable tonight; can you tell? But I just wanted to check in. I feel for you and I want to take your H and bang his head against the wall until he wakes up. I'm not a violent person but I want him to wake up! Happy beaching! It's 100 degrees here lately every day. Blah.
Lucky I do not need to be sexy to receive a great time from a massage-guy 
. It was a really indulgent and great experience. 
I had an impulse at the beach to try something new, so I took a picture of me and the sunset on my phone and sent it to H's phone. This message sending thing had been H's realm with the OW almost exclusively, so I have been dabbling in there a bit, I guess. Last week, H didn't have a phone that received photos, but I had an inkling he might have gotten a new phone. Not sure why, other than the fact that his old one was really bad (sounded like he was talking in a tin can) and I told him so, and also showed him how great my new phone was. Well, I guess he does listen to me sometimes 
Got a text message back less than a minute later, "where are you?" and in keeping with "not being in the R more than he is", I used my 3 word allotment "at the beach". H phoned me immediately, was I at the beach in Arizona? haha [where I was working], didn't know when I was getting back, how was it? etc., etc. VERY cheery, seemed really really happy to talk with me, lots of interest and questions. I kept it short, but was able to provide really upbeat and intriguing tidbits:
One of these days I will write some books and learn to make some money on it 