H & I are in our 40's we have two boys 12 and 10 married 17 years.
Basically my H is living in a fantasy world, addicted to porn and (I believe) tetering on the edge of taking his cyber cheating to the next level. I believe he thinks I am totally in the dark about all of this.
I am living in a fantasy world pretending that none of this is happening and the only way that I know it is happening is thru snooping. Which I have stopped (but it is a struggle everyday to keep myself from peeking).
I am now in counseling trying to deal with my own issues of childhood abuse and forced family secrets. Which is why I have not been able to address any of this with my H.
You said you are no longer afraid of going forward. Do you have a plan? making a plan? I think you sound 'strong' this week, and I wonder if it is feeling better from counseling or if it is because you have time to yourself this week while H is gone with kids. I know for myself, I have all these big ideas of just what to do and say when I see H , and then when I am face to face with H I can't get it out.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
That is a good observation WCW. What I meant by not being afraid was of continuing the counseling. Each time I have been I was not sure I would make myself go again. Because I know once I get to a certain point there will be no going back. Once I face certain things I will not be able to continue living in the lies and secrets.
I told my counselor yesterday that I know I want to address this, I want things out in the open. I just do not know how to make that happen. I am not capable at this point because I am still paralyzed by fear. I know that when I am able to open my mouth and make something come out I will not start with accusing my H. I will start with my love for him and my commitment to him and our marriage and my hope for us to be happy and healthy.
Anita (the counselor) asked me to start saving money. Money equals security and for children of alcoholics security is VERY important and with security comes strength. She assured me that this money is not for anything in particular. It may end up being used for a family vacation or the boys education or a lawyer in the event I need one.
She thinks just the act of me putting some money away may empower me somehow. That is very easy to do as H wants nothing to do with finances. I have begged him over the years to please take an interest, but all he is concerned with is that there is money when he wants to spend it. I get to handle all the figuring out how to do it.
So that is my only plan for now.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
From my perspective, C is right about the empowerment of a financial cushion. It does not have to be large, just enough to be a cushion between you and disaster.
My W would never deal with money issues. She just spent like crazy. This was a source of contention between us, but when she left I was able to assure her she would be okay. There was money for first, last and damage deposit. There was money for utility deposits. I think it never registered on her that she was going to be using the very money she had been so nasty to me for saving.
Last night we were talking and she mentioned something she wanted to do. In the next breath she stated she could not afford to do it right now. That had never been a concern before.
The above story is not important. The significance is in the confindence displayed by my W when she was talking about her finances. This small change visibly empowered her to exhibit confidence in handling her life situation.
Quote: Money equals security and for children of alcoholics security is VERY important and with security comes strength.
Wow, I never realized that is why I squirrel money whenever possible. See? I am learning so much from YOUR counseling, maybe I should do co-pay. I also used to do all our finances and budget, until... well, you know my story. If your H has no interest in finances, I would call that a very positive that he feels secure in the M. The negative is that he feels secure about what he does also. Money may equal security, but can that also be a false security? For instance, if you have money and feel secure, that can make you feel happy, but that is just one small feeling, and can be very false. But hey! either way $5 is better than $0.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: Money may equal security, but can that also be a false security? For instance, if you have money and feel secure, that can make you feel happy, but that is just one small feeling, and can be very false. But hey! either way $5 is better than $0.
It could equate to false security. Even if I squirreled away thousands of $ it's not going to mean anything if I do not continue to work at this and eventually become unparalyzed. Putting the money away is just one step, but it is me taking an action, making a move. I hope that makes some sense.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I read your post in Jokermans thread do not know anything @ your sitch except what you stated in the post. I HIGHLY recommend the book Passionate Marriage,, it is not for the faint of heart. It helps tremendously in the ML department and also has aspects on how to reconnect on the emotional level too , it is fantastic. 180 for me too, my H said I was not giving enough. Hope it helps get it today. Just my two cents, Good luck. God bless...
Thank you Alimari, I went right over the Amazon and almost ordered the book, then I thought wait a minute! Get dressed and go to the book store! So I am heading out to do a little shopping.
I appreciate the suggestion.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Fantastic Keep me posted, I am sure it will help tremendously. I dunno how but it helped me see that being open with my H and ML with abandon, because it is shared with my husband ,it's a beautiful thing.And God sees it this way too, The book is amazing can not say enough good things @ it, ENJOY. Glad to help. GOD BLESS...
